Maggie's Farm

So, movies are important. We talked a little about one movie yesterday, and it elicited a discussion of many. What do movies mean? 

Movies are stories. Some people think movies and other forms of visual entertainment like TV shows are inferior to reading books. I think that's sort of true. If your mind is forced to picture something that has been transmitted to you by the written word, the gray-matter horsepower it takes to make the picture in your head improves its effect somehow. Even a story spoken to you is like that a little. Having all the visual work done for you dulls the effect. It attenuates other effects, though. It's a form of mind control. You'll see my story the way I want it seen, or you won't see it at all.

It's the same for writing. Writing a word with a pencil on paper makes you understand it better than selecting it on a tablet computer. That's one of 6,176,158 reasons why is our children not learning.

Movies aren't more sophisticated than text. I think movies are actually closer to the normal way our pit-scratching, mammoth-pestering ancestors communicated ideas and feelings. The parts that work are a throwback. A pantomime by the firelight. Show, not tell. Or at least, tell, not labor over commas. People are affected by movies and television. Or more to the point, people are influenced by movies and TV.

There's a reason why everyone wears their hair like Laura Petrie one day and talks like Dirty Harry the next. There's a reason why the same people we used to treat like lowlifes -- because they are -- get made into griots and petty Caesars, raised on a pedestal of their residuals. There's a reason why colleges had toga parties in the early sixties, and then again in the eighties when Animal House reminded everyone of reminding everyone about sword and sandal epics like Ben-Hur. Our behavior, mores, speech, and appearance are affected by what we see on the screen. Unfortunately, right now, what we see is pandaemonium.

Let's see what Pandora's up to these days:

Who Wore the Most Iconic Sunglasses in Movie History? A Venice Optometrist Has a List

Wow, there are actual male humans on that list. I thought it would be Audrey Hepburn 10 times. It's a little light on Clint Eastwood, though, isn't it? You had to wear Dirty Harry glasses in the '70s. It was like a law.

Mel Gibson on 2006 Anti-Semitic Remarks: ‘I’ve Never Discriminated Against Anyone’

Mel Gibson must be rehabilitated because he makes money in Hollywood. He kisses their ring, and they kiss his ass. Simple, really.

U.K. High Court Orders ISPs to Block 13 Additional Film, TV Sites

Wait until governments start enforcing the terms of service for internet companies instead of the law. Oh, wait, that was five years ago.

Sherlock Holmes 3 team gathering writers' room for new script

The script is an afterthought. Remember that next time you're in a movie theater. Moviemakers have that much contempt for you.

Kevin Costner sues for $3.85m over film festival 'fraud'

Go figure. Kevin Costner's name in the same sentence as "fraud." Must be a day that ends in Y. Of course, he's on the receiving end for a change, instead of the audience. He always sounds like he's reading a phone book with a bite from a peanut butter and Seconal sandwich in his mouth to my ear.

Every Marvel Movie To Date, Ranked

Like I said yesterday, "Four Dozen Julia Roberts Legal Thrillers You May Have Missed."

AFM: Independent boards Joan Collins comedy

Joan Collins? Joan Collins! I'm not in to necrophilia, thanks.

U.S. Senate Sets December Date For Time Warner-AT&T Merger Hearing

Where is the The Crimson Permanent Assurance when you need them?

Hitchcock and the Ticking Time Bomb: Are We Doing It Wrong?

Actually, he was. Two-and-a-half hours of suspense, with Bernard Hermann banging away like a tinknocker, and then the bad guy trips on the stairs and dies like an actor in a kindergarten pageant.

As the Internet Mourns, Vine Experiences a Revival: The 10 Best Vines (a Subjective List)

Vincent Van Gogh, Emily Dickinson, Vivian Maier: artists who received the recognition they deserved only after their deaths. With the uproar that echoed across the internet with news of its death, it appears Vine will be joining their ranks.

Oh, brother. That little piece of purple prose is appended to a ranking of the best 6-second video clips on a defunct service cancelled by a soon to be forgotten caterwauling service. That's Remembrance of Things Past to a Millennial.

Lessons for the post-EU British film industry from the collapse of the Soviet Union

I can't see a British film producer managing to take over the Crimea. They're kind of toffs.

Actor who played Darth Maul 'assaulted a woman at his hotel after a comics convention'

Dude, people who make money in the entertainment world can act as they like. People who earn money in the movies can't. Ask Kramer about that one.

Well, that's the links for today. Vote for the best pair of sunglasses in the movies in the comments.

I've never really understood movie lists. They're always curated under titles like, "The 40 Greatest Zombie Love Stories," or, "Four Dozen Julia Roberts Legal Thrillers You May Have Missed." The ones I really don't get begin with, "The 100 Greatest...

I don't know about you, but I don't think there are 100 movies, total, worth watching twice. A list of 100 Greatest Movies wouldn't need any additional qualifiers. There are maybe a hundred great movies, period. Even a good movie is pretty rare. Office Space is a good movie.

It's good because it played small ball. It used offbeat actors and looked at mundane things in a fresh way. Your job sucks and you're lonesome and your boss is just going to have to go ahead and ask you to come in on Saturday. Galaxy Quest came out the same year, and had the same fresh feeling despite the subject matter being pretty well picked over already. 

If I had to explain to an alien what the American cultural and business landscape looked like when the clock was about to strike the millennium, I'd show them Office Space. Since they were aliens, I'd have it dubbed in Spanish. The movie is a Swiss army knife of quotes, too. There's one for every occasion. Let's look at the business news today, and see if the little world Mike Judge invented between the lo-pile carpeting and the drop ceiling of Initech still holds up:  

What's More Distracting Than A Noisy Co-Worker? Turns Out, Not Much

I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told Bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.

American Apparel Prepares to File for Bankruptcy, Again

I'll bet I'm the first one laid off! Just the thought of having to go to the state unemployment office and stand in line with those SCUMBAGS...

Twitter Shareholder Sues CEO and Board Members Over Inflated Share Price

The ratio of people to cake is too big.

Theranos founder: From billionaire to 'nothing'

I don't know, man. I just get that feeling lookin' at her like she's the type of chick that just... [shudders]

Bank watchdogs hunt for Wells Fargo fake account copycats

We get caught laundering money, we're not going to white-collar resort prison. No, no, no. We're going to federal POUND ME IN THE *** prison.

25 Fastest Growing Freelance Skills 

So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.

Verizon Executive Says Yahoo Deal ‘Absolutely’ Still Makes Sense 

Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really well.

Sex Can Relieve Severe Headaches

I'm thinking I might take that new chick from Logistics. If things go well I might be showing her my O-face. "Oh... Oh... Oh!" You know what I'm talkin' about. "Oh!"

Snapchat Seeks to Raise as Much as $4 Billion in IPO

I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be. 

Groupon Buys LivingSocial, a Rival Once Valued at $6 Billion

Milt, we're gonna need to go ahead and move you downstairs into storage B. We have some new people coming in, and we need all the space we can get. So if you could just go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there, that would be terrific, OK?

Gun Sales Surging in Election Year

That's what I'm talkin' about when I talk about America!

I get this weird vibe when I read the newspapers. I'm looking for things to amuse or delight this audience. Nothing seems amusing and delightful to me. Lots of things are funny, but Will Ferrell funny, not Mark Twain funny. Lots of things are delightful. They still publish the obituaries, after all, and there's always people you don't like in there. You have to take your amusements where you find them.

The vibe I'm referring to doesn't really have a coherent theme I can point out. Just the opposite. I'm pointing out the lack of a theme. It reminds me of the interlude just after a trip to Chipotle. You know what's going to happen. You just don't know if that trip to Costco for toilet paper was enough to handle it.

So if you're looking for a theme in today's links, you're bound to be disappointed. It's a burlecue out there, people:

6,000 freelancers talk about money, happiness, and their hopes for the future

The average person in the United States in unemployable. They are unable to concentrate on anything but a cellphone. You're only hired because they can't get anyone better, and they can't wait to get rid of you. You must become freelancers because there's no other way to force you to pay attention to your work, or starve.

Move over, solar: The next big renewable energy source could be at our feet

When the nanofibers are embedded within flooring, they’re able to produce electricity that can be harnessed to power lights or charge batteries. And because wood pulp is a cheap, abundant and renewable waste product of several industries, flooring that incorporates the new technology could be as affordable as conventional materials.

Look high. Look low. Go around back. Dig a hole and look at the underpinnings. A number of any kind never appears in that story. I wonder why that is. Wait a minute. No I don't

Google Fiber division cuts staff by 9%, “pauses” fiber plans in 10 cities

Google made its money completely by accident. They had a rock in their pocket that kept away tigers in Palo Alto, and they think it will work in the Punjab.

Apple Pins Hopes on iPhone 7 as Profit, Revenue Decline

Remember the crack "epidemic" of the 90s? Politicians said prison or midnight basketball would fix it, take your pick. Neither did, but they both took credit. The problem disappeared only after it had utterly destroyed everyone it touched. Cellphones are just like that.

Old Geek Jobs: John Wheeler explains how serving an overlooked niche and building a following on Medium helped his tech job board make $1500 in its first month.

The tech industry is incredibly sanctimonious about imaginary slights to any aggrieved minority. Except anyone older than 35, the hell with them. I have no sympathy. Ten years ago, the aggrieved parties here were snickering in conference rooms about an adult who applied for a job at their startup. Welcome to the wonderful world of freelancing! Now put down the phone, or starve.

White House urges ban on non-compete agreements for many workers

Job mobility is important. Otherwise you just end up with a bunch of people over 35 at your workplace. Ewww.

A killing in Paris: Why French Chinese are in uproar

Estimated at more than 600,000 people, France has Europe's largest Chinese community. But they have not been in the country as long as more prominent migrant groups, including those from Africa.

There are 600,000 Chinese people in France? Who knew? Say, I was wondering. Are there any French people left in France? I hope they keep at least one around to insult Americans on vacation. It lends a certain charm to the place.

Everything's bigger in Texas...including birthday parties! Inside George W Bush and Laura's joint 70th celebration at their Prairie Chapel Ranch

Say, isn't that about the same age as the two people currently applying for George's old job? George retired eight years ago. Ten, if you count when Pelosi took over the country. Is president listed on Old Geek Jobs?

Lifting weights could make you more intelligent, study suggests

Books are heavy. The people who believe "studies" should lift more of them.

Curses! Cubs-Indians World Series Tickets Cost on Average $2,983

Like two elderly wrestlers leaning on each other in the ninth round. 

Price slashed to $19.5M for 'world's largest log cabin'

Waterfront homes are always ugly. Always.

FHP: Man leaving strip club runs over own leg; truck crashes into house

A 28-year-old man leaving the Dancer's Royale strip club on East Colonial Drive fell out of his truck while it was moving, and it ran over his leg, the Florida Highway Patrol said. The incident was reported to FHP at about 2:41 a.m. Tuesday. Authorities said he left his driver’s license behind, and he is known at the strip club.

That's such a wonderful formulation: He is known at the strip club. Are you known at the strip club? Out of the way, peasant! I'm known at the strip club. How do you get known at the strip club? Do you bring quarters instead of dollar bills?

Well, it's Wednesday, people. You might as well swim to the far shore. You're already halfway there.

So, someone knocked on my door yesterday. That's rare. It was a quiet knock, I barely heard it. I spotted a car I didn't recognize in the drive. Also rare. I answered the door. There was a young, soon to be importunate young woman at the door. She was wary and pushy at the same time.

She pushed a garish pamphlet in my hand. She called me by name, which I found very mildly unpleasant. "Have you made up your mind to vote for so-and-so?" I looked at the circular while I wondered about the parsing of the sentence I just heard. It sounded like someone who had rehearsed the wrong line for a play, and delivered a joke during a death scene.

"No," I said. That's all I said.

"Great, I'll put you down as undecided." She produced a small clipboard from behind her back and made a mark. I thought it was fairly rude to record an answer to a question that wasn't put to me as a survey question.

She then asked for my wife by name. I said she was busy. She sort of demanded to see her. I said no. She said, "I'll put her down as undecided, then, too," made another mark on her clipboard, turned abruptly, and hustled off.

I had answered the question put to me truthfully. I had not yet made up my mind to vote for so and so. If he was on fire, I wouldn't piss on him, and if he died, my wife would attend his funeral in a red dress, but no, we had not yet made up our minds to vote for him.

There's everything you need to know about polls.

On to the links!

60% of small companies that suffer a cyber attack are out of business within six months.

I hate to blame the victim, so I won't. But the definition of "online retailer" should include knowing how to be online. Just sayin'.

Last week I was groped in virtual reality. Did you know that could happen? I didn't, but now I'm all the wiser.

Like most things in the news, I quickly came to the conclusion that everyone in the story and everyone involved in the production of the story was an idiot.

Argument preview: Court to consider copyright protection for cheerleading uniforms

Is Caligula's horse on the Supreme Court yet? And which end would cast the deciding vote on this burning question?

Canadian pilots no longer have to fly real aircraft to keep valid licences

Yes, but were any of them virtually groped on descent?

MIT is using AI to create pure horror

Trust me, you'll pray for waterboarding once virtual reality headsets get going. Bonus: they make you throw up.

Iceland, a land of Vikings, braces for a Pirate Party takeover

It's really hard to produce a civilization. It's much easier to wreck it. There's no reverse gear in entropy. Enjoy.

The World's Knowledge Is Being Buried In a Salt Mine

Will my answer to the poll question be archived?

Ghost fleet: Explorers accidentally find a graveyard of more than 40 perfectly preserved ancient shipwrecks at the bottom of the Black Sea

I have a habit now. When I want to find out something about any news story in the United States or elsewhere, I go to the Daily Mail. It's an awful newspaper, but it publishes all the info it can get its hands on. Great pictures. An amazing find.

If you want to influence people don't try to persuade them. Use ‘pre-suasion’ instead.

An unmarked envelope filled with twenties also works, and saves time.

Tesla plunges in Consumer Reports' rankings

I'm trying to picture a Consumer Reports review of a Tesla: There's no place for my recumbent bicycle!

Poor kids who do everything right don’t do better than rich kids who do everything wrong

Notice what's missing? Any idea that humans should should have a multi-generational outlook on social mobility. Your grandparents did.

Two-thirds of child refugees screened by officials found to be adults, Home Office figures show

The other third will be marked down as "undecided" by the girl at my door.

Have a loverly day, everybody!

If you've been under a rock, you might have missed out on the news that the internet sorta crapped out on Friday. You couldn't twit, or twat, or twunt, or twisp, or whatever you call that internet grunting you guys do. You couldn't go to Reddit to visit subreddits that consist of one founder, one reader, and one moderator, adding up to one person. You couldn't binge-watch Game of Cards on Netflix. Or was it Harry of the Rings you like? I forget. Anyway, you couldn't do it. 

I didn't notice. You know, if you ask me, the internet is now old enough to be judged on its merits. It kinda sucks. When it doesn't work because your baby monitor and a Cuisinart in the next country don't want it to work, it demonstrates that it was set up and is being run by fools.

Still, here we are. On to the links!

YouTube lecture: 1177 BC: The Year Civilization Collapsed

The Hittites probably didn't ban plastic grocery bags. The rest was just downstream effects.

Thousands of California soldiers forced to repay enlistment bonuses a decade after going to war

They should form an army. A "Bonus Army," if you will.

Did 40-year-old Viking experiment discover life on Mars?

If they did, they probably raped it and burned its house. Oh, sorry, wrong Vikings.

New Climate-Friendlier Coolant Has a Catch: It’s Flammable

I'm pretty sure regular radiator coolant is flammable. You just have to try really, really hard.

Kurt Vonnegut, The Art of Fiction No. 64

Kurt Vonnegut was one of the best writing teachers I ever heard of. Like most good ball coaches, he couldn't play very well.

Bill Gates: He eats Big Macs for lunch and schedules every minute of his day - meet the man worth $80 billion

Bill Gates seems pleasant enough. He has no idea how he ended up with all that money, and he has no idea how to use it productively.

Elon Musk: The entrepreneur’s finances are as jaw-dropping, inventive and combustible as his space rockets

Tech oligarchs buy real businesses with borrowed money from fake businesses. You're going to see a lot of people without swim trunks when this tide goes out. I'm not sure this guy is smart enough to buy a real business, so he really better keep a weather eye on the tide chart. At least Bezos has a paper route to fall back on.

The iPod turns 15: a visual history of Apple's mobile music icon

I never had one. Now no one has one. I feel some Latin coming on.

Is this the best 10-Year-Old Drummer In the World?

Hard to tell. He's not playing In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida

New Podesta Email Exposes Dem Playbook For Rigging Polls Through "Oversamples"

The purpose of rigging polls is not discouraging opponents and attracting money from people who want to back the winner. That's gravy. The real purpose is cover for stuffing ballot boxes. James Michael Curley could have told you that.

Forget baby showers! Young couples are holding 'vasectomy parties' to celebrate the start of a childless family, and ask guests to name their CAR instead

Do they hand out Nikes and purple blankets? Oh well. No children to pull the plug on you in the hospital when the nurse isn't looking. The nurse will do it when she notices no children come to visit you.

Cracking the Cranial Vault: What It Feels Like to Perform Brain Surgery

What's it feel like to perform brain surgery? I'd be more interested to know what it feels like to get your brain surgery from someone who can't spell "vise."

Well, it's Monday, and last time I checked, the internet still worked. You're going to have to think of another excuse for not getting anything done this week. Tell them your Samsung Galaxy phone caught on fire, ignited your car's air conditioner, and you got oversampled at Sunday's wine tasting. It's worth a shot.

Almost Saturday Night is a Dave Edmunds song. I know you're going to tell me in the comments that John Fogerty wrote it. I also know that you're going to tell me in the comments that John Fogerty wrote it, but you're going to spell it Fogarty. I know you pretty good, don't I? I know you pretty well, too.

It's a Dave Edmunds song to me because he did it best, or at least made it first to my ear at the appropriate time. He was the first with the most, as they say. That's how the world keeps score. Once you make a recording, it's an artifact. Artifacts don't change. They can be replayed, and judged. The music industry got really big when it began to produce artifacts that could be made on a relative shoestring and then sold on a mass scale. There's a limited amount of performances you can make money from. Records made lots of people rich for the same reason Bill Gates got rich. Once you've made your one thing, you can sell it as many times as you like.

The Beatles are the first musicians I can recall who produced artifacts that were substantially more than captured noises from a performance. That turned the music business into an artifact horserace. In this race, I say Edmunds won. You're going to disagree with me in the comments, I know it. And I also know you're going to spell Edmunds, Edmonds, and Fogerty, Fogarty.

All music is entirely artificial now. Nothing of it has much to do with the performer. They're just nailed to the prow of the artifact ship. There's a navy of men and robots manning the ProTools oars. People won't have it any other way at this point. They prefer the artificial over the real, because that's all they know.

There's a word for people who know real from ersatz, and deliberately choose ersatz. I don't have time to call people names, though. It's almost Saturday night.

Plummeting Newspaper Ad Revenue Sparks New Wave of Changes

People don't buy newspapers to make money. They buy newspapers to wield power. The destruction of the revenue at the New York Times bothers the Pinchy family not one whit. The employees suffer. The people who own the paper get to decide who will get the blame for all the layoffs. Hint: it's not them.

Experts believe mysterious aluminium object dating back 250,000 years 'could be part of ancient UFO'

Via the Instapundit, who no doubt filed this one under "Too good to check." It's a tooth from an old excavator bucket.

I Bring Bad Tidings

The entirety of the world economy is built on one thing. That is the rock solid belief that the US government will never miss a debt payment and never devalue the dollar to arrest its debt. The entire global economy is built on the asset value of US Treasuries. If there ever comes a time when people begin to doubt the security of that debt, the panic will plunge the world into a new dark age or possible something worse.

I like reading the Z Man, and Zero Hedge, too. Great fun. They're like prophets standing on the corner averring that the world will end yesterday.

Hackers Used New Weapons to Disrupt Major Websites Across U.S.

Nothing economically productive has happened in the last ten years. Those who ended up in charge can't produce anything of value, and they can't even keep the lights on.

“Most serious” Linux privilege-escalation bug ever is under active exploit

In case you're thinking about chortling at tubby guys with neckbeards and trilbys over a Linux exploit, think again. Linux is the OS on lots and lots of servers. Lots.

Well, Saturdays are slow around the internet, and busy around the farm, so that's all the links you get. Don't despair; it's almost Saturday Night.