Maggie's Farm

 
I've given lots of discs as presents over the years, and there's no question having a customized label adds to the enjoyment.  And especially when it's a kid and you've got their name right there on the disc in big bright neon lights fonts.  And if they're discs of your home movies, how classy would it be to have small pics from the various vacations and birthdays printed on the disc?

If you've ever tried the stick-on labels, you know what a nightmare they are to work with.  Get off by the tiniest bit while sticking it on and you're burning a new disc and printing a new label for Round 2.

And that 'LightScribe' routine, where it etches the text on the top of the disc, is seriously ridiculous.  Like a lot of people, I got suckered into it — although I will admit that if you hold up the disc just so, and catch the light just right, you actually can read what's etched on the disc — kind of.

So what's the answer?  Well, now that I've got you on the edge of your seat with this riveting question, you'll just have to...

 
It's got the big, ponderous name of 'Scheduled Tasks', but I prefer the term 'Windows Alarm Clock'.  As so often happens with the built-in Windows tools, 95% of a program's function might be completely worthless, but that last five percent...

Got a doctor's appointment a month down the road?  Want to make sure you catch that TV special in a few weeks?  Just can't forget to make that important phone call bright and early next Monday morning?

Let the Windows Alarm Clock help!

 
This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert. More info here.
 

Lesson 16: DOS

 
Oh, the things we've learned on our little journey!

We learned how to professionally back up our system.

We learned how to make a really neat custom links page for our browser.

We learned all about hardware and software and cool tools and a whole buncha stuff!

And, if all that wasn't enough, we then learned about such cutting-edge techniques as streaming video.  As budding computer experts, we're ready to go!

So why, in Heaven's name, is the wise and kindly Doc Murky bringing up DOS, of all things?  What possible use on God's Green Earth could antiquated old DOS have in today's modern hyperdigital world, we plaintively asked.

What use, indeed?, he asked back.

This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert. More info here.
 

Lesson 15: Streaming Video

This video's been around for a while, but it illustrates the point well.

Admittedly, Rosie O'Donnell has made a real horse's patoot out of herself at times over the past few years.  As a mild example, she claimed on TV that the collapse of the buildings on 9/11 must have been a government conspiracy because "fire can't melt steel" — casually forgetting for the moment that fire is what makes steel in the first place.

But how do you compare the silly statements Rosie O'Donnell makes against others?  By what standard do you measure jack-ass against ass-inine?

Finally, someone's put together a formula that works!
 

A clumsy and amateurish job, perhaps, but somebody had a great idea and went for it.

Want to be next?

 
This is, IMHO, Windows' best trick and the biggest time-saver of the bunch.  In short, it makes it easy to load a file into a program that it's not normally associated with.

A quick example would be a Notepad document you want to spell-check.  Notepad doesn't have a built-in spell-checker, so the usual routine would be to:

• Laboriously fire up a program with a spell-checker like MS Word


• Painstakingly open the load requester


• Achingly browse to the Notepad document


• Tiresomely load the file


• Troublesomely spell-check the document


• Backbreakingly save the file


• Exhaustedly close the program

But with the SendTo feature:

• Simply click on file's icon with the right mouse button and 'send' it to MS Word


• Simply spell-check the document and that's it!

For more of this unbiased, impartial review of the unbelievably fantastic SendTo feature, please...

This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert. More info here.
 

Lesson 14: Video

Ah, video.

 
If you knew what I knew about video, you'd run screaming into the night.  The very word should cause you to tremble.  What's that?  Your Windows is corrupt and reboots itself every five minutes?  Big deal!  Your browser freezes up every 38 seconds?  No problem!  Your hard drive just caught on fire and burned down half the house?  That's the easiest one to fix yet!

But video.

Video is what separates the wheat from the woods, the chaff from the sliced kittens, the bear from the pope poop.

Video.

Video is where the foot meets the rubber, the tire meets the floorboard and the pedal meets the road.  It's what separates the fancy from the dancy, the hoity from the toity, the willy from the nilly.  It's how you tell the kettle from the heat, the pot from the fire, the brisket from the biscuit from the basket.  It's what—
 

For more unbelievably inane ramblings as I desperately try to avoid writing about this horrid subject of which I, personally, would never partake, please...

 
This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert. More info here.
 

Lesson 13: Audio 

 
To be completely honest, it wasn't your idea to write the song that united the world.
 

Your new bride, a recent graduate from Dr. Mercury's Computer School For Underprivileged Busty Blondes, was the one who suggested it.  She walked into the room, threw her arms around you and gushed, "You're so wonderful! You should write a song that will bring peace to the entire world!"

And that's exactly what happened.

Personally, you thought the melody line was a bit simplistic, but people seemed to adore it, and it somehow bridged the gap between Western and Eastern cultures.  The words, too, seemed a bit lightweight, but it turned out that by sheer good fortune you used a number of words and phrases common to multiple languages, so even though the exact message couldn't be conveyed to the world's people, there was still something there that touched the soul of everyone.

And the song's effects were wonderful to see.  Obama and McCain decided on a joint presidency.  George Bush, Nancy Pelosi and Ron Paul had a group hug and broke into tears.  Al-Queda threw down its arms and opened a Starbucks franchise in Seattle.  Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards reunited.  Britney Spears' heretofore unknown younger sister, Adrianne, knocked on your bedroom door and—

And that's when the loud barking dog snapped you out of your daydream.
 

Next time, instead of fantasizing about it, I think you'd better just...

 
Pic: Average student at Dr. Mercury's Computer Bed & Breakfast School For Wanton Women, blatantly stolen from Theo who had a much better picture than I did for last Saturday's computer lesson — that rat!

In the comments to Saturday's lesson on images, a couple of doods mentioned the free GIMP program. From what I can tell, GIMP stands for "Gastro-Intestinal Monetary Paralysis", or the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you see the $649 price tag for Photoshop.

Actually, it stands for GNU Image Manipulation Program, with GNU being the open-source UNIX-like operating system developed back in the 80's. It and SourceForge have produced a number of excellent free programs over the years and, of the sixty-odd free video programs I have on my own site, probably half of them are GNU or SourceForge.

Bottom Line: While a little odd, GIMP is an excellent graphics program and does all the 'trick' things, like smudging and freehand selection, that big bad Photoshop does. Download it here. Click on 'Downloads' then grab just the program, don't bother with the 'Installer'. Don't panic when it takes forever to run the first time.

On the other hand, you'll probably have a heart attack the first time it opens, so perhaps you'd better take a sec and...

 
This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert. More info here.
 

Lesson 12: Images

 
You're a real blogger. And you know just what I mean.

A real blogger works only in real-time. His thoughts come to him in a blaze of profound insight that his flying fingers desperately try to keep pace with. If a mixtake is made, so what! Your readers know what you're really trying to say.

Because that's where the honestly lies. That's how they know they can trust you. Because if you went back and corrected every little mixtake and tidied up sentences and made everything 'just so', you'd be no better than the next bought-and-paid-for journalist. Your very integrity rides on your willingness to show the world who you really are, simple mixtakes and all.

Until today.

Today, that integrity was seriously tested when you realized what you had done mere seconds later, yet, because of the blogger's code, you were unable to touch a thing.

And the horrific results are just now starting to drift in.

How unfair, you think to yourself as the screen-grab from your site is spread throughout the blogsosphere and you become a laughingstock in the eyes of the world. Everybody does it with their vacation pictures! You remember watching slide shows as a kid of the family vacation and there was always one that slipped in!  These things happen!  It's just not fair!

No, it's not, my friend.

Oh, if only you'd thought to take that night school course in blogmastering. If only you'd thought to be a little more careful when adding pictures to the site. And if only you'd thought to...

 
This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert.  More info here.
 

Lesson 11: Troubleshooting

 
Temper, temper!

You work to keep your emotions under control when what you really want to do is smash your fist on the keyboard.  Why now, you think to yourself.  Why me?  You wonder what wrathful computer gods you ticked off to merit such a fate.

Some very angry ones, it would appear.

Well, you're not going to let this little snag stop a tough, gritty computer user like yourself, no sir!  You knuckle down, grab the bull by the horns and head over to Google.  You search down the problem and, with your body bathed in nervous sweat, edit the haunting and enigmatic Registry and live to tell the tale.

The computer works!

A sense of exultation sweeps through you as you realize you'll make your deadline.  It's money in the bank!  You breathe a deep sigh of relief and look out at a glorious sunset.  You hear birds twittering in the trees and the sound of a gentle breeze.  The world is calm again.

You think back to that day years ago, the day you stopped being scared of fixing the computer.  The day you decided to give it your best shot.  The day you went from being subservient to the computer, to being its new master.  The day you decided to...

 
To be truthful, you're unbelievably embarrassed by the whole sad situation.

Oh, you didn't mean to end up this way. The shame and humiliation you've recently experienced certainly came unexpectedly. "It's all that dang Internet's fault," you think to yourself as you prepare to sneak out to the grocery store under cover of darkness. First it was on Fark, then Drudge, now CNN.com.

You'd be the first to agree that national humiliation isn't for just anyone.

You think back to what led to your present shameful condition. A little laziness here, a little procrastination there, and, the next thing you knew, your friend's calling to tell you they're talking about you on the local radio station. Apparently, someone saw that brief comment you left on Maggie's and the deejay was urging his listeners to set aside disbelief and see it for themselves.

From there it spread like wildfire.

At the moment, you're trying to decide if the $5,000 Ripley's is offering for the rights to include you in their 'Believe It Or Not!' exhibition is worth having your public shame be immortalized for future generations to laugh at, mock, scorn and deride for time eternal.

You decide it probably is.

Well, if nothing else, you've learned one thing from this soul-searing experience:

That's the last time you'll ever admit in public you're using a computer that's five years old!

 
For more information on how to avoid public scorn and humiliation when somebody finally catches you with that ancient piece of junk you're using, please...

 
Ah-ha!

You couldn't believe it last week when you made some comment about how "sex sells" and your best friend... refuted it?  He demanded you show him one tiny piece of evidence that suggests any advertiser out there buys into your fanciful notion.  And now, at long last, you have it.
 

First, you did what any good investigative journalist would do and starting researching the topic in depth.  You went to the library and spent days reading about the history of advertising, looking for clues.  Yes, occasionally you'd see a pretty girl in an ad, but so, too, were there handsome men and cute babies.

In desperation you turned to the World Wide Web.  Again, you occasionally saw some pretty girl modeling a t-shirt, but that doesn't prove anything more than advertising agencies are willing to hire female models.  And that doesn't even prove that 'gender sells', much less that sex sells — as you so wildly claim.

But then you hit paydirt.

Suddenly, you came across a 1962 Chevrolet Caprice ad with a pretty girl in a bikini standing in front of it.  That 'investigative reporter gene' you carry in your DNA started setting off alarm bells and you were struck with a deep and profound insight:

That bikini has nothing, whatsoever, to do with the mechanical and handling characteristics of the car!

A sense of exhilaration sweeps through your body as you realize you'll finally be able to prove to your buddy that you were right!

But there's a terrible problem.

The right mouse button won't save the picture because the page is locked by some Java code.  What, oh what, to do!?  Without this picture as proof, you're going to have to admit to your friend for the rest of eternity that you were totally wrong!

Or...

 
This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert.  More info here.
 

Lesson 9:  Keyboard Skills

 
Sometimes it's just a matter of using the proper incentive.

For example, a few years ago I was teaching a number of classes at a computer college and one of them was "Keyboard Skills."  It was a two-part class in the sense that it taught the students standard typing skills, plus it introduced them to all of those other keys that a typist normally doesn't touch.

When it comes to learning how to type, Rule #1 is "NO PEEKING!"  Peeking at your fingers is extremely counterproductive, not only because it inhibits the learning process but, while you're peeking at the keyboard, you could be making a bona fide typo up above.  Typos are the classic giveaway that someone doesn't know how to type correctly.  People who actually know how to type rarely make typos because they're watching what they're typing as they type it.  (spelling errors are a different story entirely)
 

But then there was Big Jim.
 

A mountain of a man, he wasn't about to be intimidated by some punkass computer teacher telling him over and over again to "QUIT PEEKING!"  He was a smart guy and was catching on as fast as anyone, but he just couldn't break the habit.

So I did what any caring teacher would do.  I brought a great big shiny butcher's knife to school.

After the class started and I caught Big Jim peeking, I pulled out the butcher's knife, let the bright chrome reflect the room lights into his bedazzled eyes, held the glistening, razor-sharp blade just above his fingers and said in a somber voice, "One more peek and you lose them all."

To the best of my knowledge, he never peeked again and aced the class.
 

If you, too, feel the need for such helpful, friendly incentives in order to become a master keyboardist, please...

 
If you create a fair number of new projects, be it spreadsheets, desktop publishing brochures, word processing documents, web pages, pictures, songs or whatever, you'll be interested in this.

There are actually two ways you can create a new project with all (or at least most) of your customized settings already in place, such as font styles, 'author', project size or length, etc, depending on which method you use and how much info the program saves along with its files.

For example, if you made a lot of customized WAV sound files, you could open a 'New' WAV file from the menu and it'd open with all of your custom bitrate and frequency settings already in place, rather than you having to do it manually every time.  It can obviously be a real time-saver.

If you consider yourself a 'New WAV' kinda guy, then please...

 
This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert.  More info here.
 

I hate exposing your dirty little secret to the world.

Really, I do.

But do you know what I hate even more?

Exposing it to you.
 

No, it's not pretty being an addict.  The constant burning desire for your next 'fix'.  The soft glaze of satisfaction that comes over your eyes as you swiftly take apart the computer case.  The zeal springing from your fingertips as the 'high' infuses your body while you remove the old CD-ROM.

Yeah, that's you, all right:

The hardware junkie.

The thing is, it might be that you just don't know it yet.
 

For more helpful information on attaining this ugly, sordid state of existence, please...

I thought I'd take a minute and bring everybody up to date on the latest in computer security measures.

The biggest change we've seen in recent years is the role of Bad Boy going from viruses to spyware.  Yes, it would a terrible tragedy if a virus ate your computer, but at least it wouldn't cost you much.  At worst, a new Windows system and some setup time.  At best, ten short minutes of your time if you did the backup lesson.  No big deal, really.

Spyware, on the other hand, and specifically what are called "keyloggers", are a whole different breed o' cat.  Keyloggers do exactly that; they log your keystrokes and then send the info off to the bad guys.  All they have to do is look for 19 numbers in a row — your 16 credit card numbers and the 3-digit security code off the back of the card — and voilà!  Now it's just a matter of trying out a handful of expiration dates on Cadillac.com until they hit pay dirt.

Don't let it happen to you.

(continued below the fold)

 
This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert.  More info here.
 

Lesson 7: Cool Tools

The nightmare couldn't have happened to a nicer person.

You.

There you were, innocently saving a small file, when suddenly you were faced with the four most dreaded words in the computer galaxy:
 

SORRY, HARD DRIVE FULL!

 
But wait, you cried in despair!  You haven't added any large files or anything lately — so where'd all the dang hard drive space go??

Where, indeed?

Well, it's easy enough to find out, isn't it?  All you have to do is start right-clicking on all 13,543 folders on your system, open each one's Properties and look at the file size.  Have no fear, you'll eventually find what's clogging up your computer.

Eventually.

Or, you could find out almost immediately by simply...

This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert.  More info here.
 

Lesson 6: Building A Home Page

 
Project time!

Okay, the big mean Dr. Mercury has been boring you to tears with lessons on ugly, sordid things like file structure and backing up systems and such, so today we're actually going to get our hands dirty.  We're going to construct a local web page with all of your favorite links on it.  I semi-promise you, this is one cool thing your buddies don't have.
 

The biggest problem with browsers is fussing around looking for bookmarks or 'Favorites'.  All you want to do is hit the news sites, or stop by Google or TVGuide or Wikipedia for some quick info, and you end up hunting all over the place for the dang bookmarks.  You memorize some of their locations over time, but if suddenly you want to check something on some site you don't visit very often, you could spend endless minutes looking for the dang link.

Enter the personal private professional custom deluxe local web page.

Don't leave home without it.
 

One thing that's really annoying are games and programs that require a CD be in the drive in order to work, or work with all of the features.

The answer is to use a "virtual drive".  First, you take a small free program and make one big image file of the CD, then you use another free program to turn the big file into a "virtual drive", which sits there right next to the other drives in 'My Computer'.  Instead of looking for the CD, the program will read the files off the virtual drive.

Piece o' cake.

This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert.  More info here.

Lesson 5: Ergonomics

Over the past few lessons we've been getting your computer organized.

Now it's time to get you organized.

When it comes to setting up a computer system correctly and establishing habits to prevent muscle aches and strains, I present myself as Exhibit A.  Twenty-one years at this thing and not the slightest hint of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?  Never a back or leg pain?  No tired eyes or tired fingers?  And not only computing, but watching zillions of movies over the years on the computer monitor, again with no pain or discomfort?

I must be doing something right.

Bonjour, garçon!  Here ees my résumé!

I mean, if you're going to act cosmopolitan... at least look cosmopolitan!

Hold down the Alt key, punch in a few numbers on the keyboard, release the Alt key... et voilà!  Zee accent mark pops onto zee screen like zee magic!

(Now how do I get reed of thees outrágeous accênt?!)

For more on easily inserting foreign letters with accent marks, odd symbols and professional spacing bars — like these — please...

 
This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert.  More info here.
 

Lesson 4: Windows XP Tweaks

Like most computer nuts, I've had a long love-hate affair with Windows.  Sometimes it's just the best darn-tootin' operating system in the whole gol' dang universe...

But then...

Well, let's not go into it.  There might be children present.

While Windows straight out of the box isn't bad, there are a number of ways it can be improved for both speed and functionality.  Some are transparent, some are quite visible.  Some are very important, in that a build-up of certain things, like background programs, can actually keep the machine from working correctly at some point.  On the opposite end, some tweaks are totally esoteric, completely valueless, won't do a damn bit of good — but we still do them just because it feels so good to do them.

At the end of the lesson we're all going to join hands and chant for world peace.

But until then, please...

 
Ah, I still remember when I filled up my first 10-CD case.  I was on top of the world!  When you've got an entire case filled with CDs of hot programs and pics and things, it's like you're some kind of computer god!

I now have over 950 discs.  Admittedly, the luster wore off pretty fast.

And I keep them in seven of these:

Each carousel holds 150 discs.  You operate a database program on the computer and when you want a certain disc, click on 'Eject' and out it comes.  They're only $129, which seems fairly reasonable.  I've owned my original three for almost four years and have never had a problem with either the units or the software.  Home site is here.

Most of my discs are DVDs, and there's a great program out called MovieCollector that not only organizes your movies every which way, but automagically downloads the jewel box cover pics, names of actors, IMDb rating, etc.  Here's the standard layout:

You can also browse through the movies using thumbnails of the jewel box pics, pretty cool.  I have a much larger post on this subject on my own site here.

 
This is a weekly Saturday morning feature that will slowly, over time, turn you into a full-fledged computer expert.  More info here.
 

Lesson 3: System Backup

It's an amazing thing, really.

Consider what a phenomenally different reaction I have when my system melts down than you do.

You're innocently typing away on a blogsite, or reading some article, or working on a personal project.  Suddenly, the computer locks up, or just reboots on its own.  Or maybe all you did was turn it on for the day.  And all you get is a...

black screen.

Your computer has melted down.  All it takes is one little video driver file to become corrupt and poof!  It's off to the shop for a week and — $250 later — it's working again.

And our wildly different reactions when our computers crash?

You:  Oh, no!  My computer's broken!  The last time this happened it was gone for a week and cost me $250!  I'm too busy right now!  This is a nightmare!  What am I going to do??  Gawd, I hate computers!!!!!

Me:  Dang!  Now I have to clean the bathroom!

Pretty amazing, eh?

If you, yourself, would prefer cleaning the bathroom for 10 minutes while your computer is being restored, rather than having it spend an expensive week in the shop, then please...

 
Last night I read (yet) another heartbreaking forum comment from someone who had just ruined his brand new LCD monitor with a liquid cleaner.  Unlike the old type of CRT monitors, which are sealed, LCD monitors are composed of layers of laminate and a liquid cleaner can 'wick' between the layers and ruin the screen.

Another big no-no is using anything with ammonia in it, like Windex, because it'll eventually eat the heck out of the plastic screen.

The answer is Windex Wipes:

These are moist towelettes in a re-sealable package.  No ammonia, no liquid. 

What's interesting is that they clearly show how important ammonia is to regular Windex.  Rather than just cutting through the greasy fingerprints like Windex does, you actually have to scrub (lightly!) the tougher spots to remove them. They also make a dandy dust rag for the rest of the computer once you're finished with the monitor.  They don't leave a sticky residue like 409-type cleaners do.
 

Speaking of LCD monitors, there's a Windows setting you might want to check out called 'Clear Type'.  Ostensibly, it's to make text on LCD monitors look better, but both LCD monitors I've used have looked better without it, so maybe you'd better check your own system.

Windows XP users:

• Double-click on the title bar of your browser to reduce it to 'window' mode.  Scoot it to the side but so you can still see this article.
   


• Click on the Desktop with the right mouse button and open 'Properties'.  Scoot the box to the side, out of the way of the browser.  Click on the 'Appearance' tab, then the 'Effects' button.  The second drop-down menu has two choices, "Standard" and "Clear Type".  Whichever it says, change it.
   


• Click OK to close the box, then hover your mouse pointer over the 'Apply' button in the first box.  Carefully watch the fonts in this article and click the 'Apply' button.

Windows Vista and 7 users:

Your Clear Type settings will be around somewhere.  Sorry, don't know offhand.  Look through likely items in the Control Panel, like 'Personalization', 'Display', 'Appearance', etc.  Then do the above test.

Things should get a tiny bit sharper or blurrier, depending upon which setting your monitor looks best with.  If you're not sure, watch the larger block fonts used for the article's title as you hit the 'Apply' button.  On my current monitor, I think the fonts actually look a tad crisper with it on, but it also seems to make the larger fonts a little fatter, which I don't like, so I leave it off.  It's strictly 'eye of the beholder.'