Maggie's Farm

• 5 out of 6 depressed doctors recommend Russian Roulette


• If your job has Jamaican hairstyle day, do you dread it?


• I'll never get married to a traditional woman. How hard can it be to boil your own sandwiches?


• When life gives you melons, you have dyslexia


• Welcome, everyone, to the Plastic Surgery Anonymous meeting. I see a lot of new faces this week, which I find disappointing.


• The ambulance driver said CPR isn't necrophilia if you keep using the paddles.


• When you go in for a job interview, smart candidates always ask if they ever press charges.


• French waiters give me the crepes.


• An apple a day keeps just about anyone away if thrown hard enough.


• A drunk ventriloquist told me she thought I was cute, but I wasn't sure if it was her or the beer talking.


• Say what you want about deaf people.

Internet wags make jokes about the NSA spying on everyone. There's a hint of whistling past the graveyard in the humor. If you sense a dreadful thing nearby, but can't quite see it, your mind runs a bit wild, and you resort to nervous laughter to break the spell. The average computer programmer is a mental patient about online tracking, for instance. They're constantly touting the privacy benefits of Linux, whenever they can get their computers to work enough to type a sentence. Microsoft is sending telemetry! I don't know what telemetry is, but it sounds bad! Then they load forty apps on a homing beacon, AKA a smartphone, and pay for everything with it. They follow it up with a demand to be anonymous on their Twitter account.

Everyone's mistaken, or lying, on the internet, sometimes both. There's only one real fear here. People are whistling past the graveyard of obscurity, not Warhollian panopticontroversy. The nameless dread they hold is the fear that the NSA, and every other two-bit news or data aggregator for that matter, doesn't care if they're alive or dead, never mind what they're doing online at 2 AM. Their life is like a children's game from the fifties: Look at me, look at me, look at me, DON'T LOOK AT ME! One, two, three, GREEN LIGHT!

Don't get me wrong. Someone, or more accurately, many someones are tracking your movements, purchases, and daily interests, no matter how trivial, ephemeral and chaotic they are. It goes into huge hadoop hoppers and gets sifted and sold hither and yon to anyone who will pay. It shouldn't happen, but no one ever asks me what should happen, so place the blame somewhere else. Yell your dissatisfaction with tracking into your Amazon Echo, or your Nest thermostat, or your doorbell, or I don't know, maybe your refrigerator.

And what good is all that info? Not much. I know absolutely everything about myself, for instance, but I have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow. What chance does Acxiom have at figuring it out?

The photo at the top of this post is real, and the subject of the photo really wrote that on the margin, as nearly as I can tell. It's from a fairly notable book of photographs from a fellow named Jim Goldberg. You can find out all sorts of things about Jim Goldberg on the internet, and I think you can still buy this book of photos and captions, even though it was originally published 35 years ago. Look up Countess Viviana de Blonville. All you'll find is see Jim Goldberg.

Is dying alone, unmourned, and unloved made better if it's posted to Facebook? I am beset by doubts. On to today's news!

How a Literary Prank Convinced Germany That 'Hansel and Gretel' Was Real

According to Die Wahrheit über Hänsel und Gretel (The Truth About Hansel and Gretel), the two siblings were, in fact, adult brother and sister bakers, living in Germany during the mid-17th century. They murdered the witch, an ingenious confectioner in her own right, to steal her secret recipe for lebkuchen, a gingerbread-like traditional treat. The book published a facsimile of the recipe in question, as well as sensational photos of archeological evidence.

People believe hoaxes because hoaxes are more interesting than real life. It's voluntary behavior, really. Just a smidgen of reality mixed in with the bosh is all you need to dupe most folks. I've seen fistfights over the last donut in the break room, so killing a crone for a gingerbread recipe wouldn't strike me as far fetched, either.

Breach at Hy-Vee Supermarket Chain Tied to Sale of 5M+ Stolen Credit, Debit Cards

On Tuesday of this week, one of the more popular underground stores peddling credit and debit card data stolen from hacked merchants announced a blockbuster new sale: More than 5.3 million new accounts belonging to cardholders from 35 U.S. states. Multiple sources now tell KrebsOnSecurity that the card data came from compromised gas pumps, coffee shops and restaurants operated by Hy-Vee, an Iowa-based company that operates a chain of more than 245 supermarkets throughout the Midwestern United States.

If you collect and store sensitive info, you should be required to protect it. Make companies that hoard data take out bonds and insurance to cover all potential liabilities. You need to post bonds to undertake real world construction projects in many cases. Want to build a database instead of a strip mall? What's the difference? Can't wait to see what the number at the bottom of the policy would be for creepy stalkers like Facebook.

Patrick Byrne, Overstock C.E.O., Resigns After Disclosing Romance With Russian Agent

Mr. Byrne said in a separate interview that he had met Ms. Butina at a libertarian convention in Las Vegas in 2015. Over the course of their relationship, he said, Ms. Butina spoke increasingly about meeting or seeking to meet people involved in the campaigns of Hillary Clinton, President Trump and others. That, he said, had made him wary. He eventually began communicating with the F.B.I. about his interactions with her.

Remember when CEOs wore short-sleeve dress shirts under their polyester suits and did boring things like turning a profit? Now they're all android people on booster seats in congressional hearings, new-age gurus, and old short-bus James Bond here.

All Hail the Bullitt Car Chase Scene

I think male human beings are required by both law and custom to watch the Bullitt car chase at least once in each calendar year, or risk revocation of their man card. Of course you don’t have to watch the whole movie. I can’t even remember what the movie’s about. For all I know, the guys in the Mopar jalopy are Jehovah’s Witnesses, trying to catch up to Bullitt to give him a pamphlet.

" Jalopy" is an entirely underused word. I'm going to go out of my way to say "jalopy" today. Go forth, brethren, and spread the word of jalopy! And watch Bullitt.

“Old age” is made up—and this concept is hurting everyone

In every example, product designers thought they understood the demands of the older market, but underestimated how older consumers would flee any product giving off a whiff of “oldness.” After all, there can be no doubt that personal emergency response pendants are for “old people,” and as Pew has reported, only 35% of people 75 or older consider themselves “old.”

You're only as old as the women you feel.

A Chunk of Trinitite Reminds Us of the Sheer, Devastating Power of the Atomic Bomb

I bought a piece once as a birthday gift for a friend, the actor Paul Newman. Paul had been a 20-year-old rear gunner on a two-man Navy torpedo bomber, training for the invasion of Japan, when the second and third atomic bombs after Trinity exploded over Japan and did their part to end a war that killed more than 60 million human beings. “I was one of those who said thank god for the atomic bomb,” Paul told me ruefully.

Now that's some weapons-grade name dropping. BTW, Fat Man and Little Boy is a good movie, in the parts Paul Newman is in. The parts he isn't in are still technically a movie, I guess. Leslie Groves was the genius in that bunch. Except for Von Neumann, the rest were just really smart plumbers. And Von Neumann isn't in the movie.

Vegan parents avoid jail over malnourished daughter

An eastern suburbs couple have avoided jail after feeding their toddler a vegan diet that caused her to become so malnourished she didn't have any teeth. NSW District Court judge Sarah Huggett sentenced both of the parents, who also didn't vaccinate the now-three-year-old, to 18-month intensive corrections orders, saying full-time custody would deprive their three children of an "important bond".

It's Australia. That baby should eat a dingo.

Some of the most-shared images of the Amazon rainforest fires are old or are not of the Amazon

The top image is from a 2018 wildfire in Sweden; the bottom is of a wildfire in Montana on August 6, 2000. The most heartbreaking photos being shared are the charred remains of animals, or animals attempting to escape wildfires. Blogger Nathalie Muñoz posted a series of photos about the Amazon rainforest fires. The photo of the monkey crying, holding a smaller monkey, isn't in the Amazon. It was taken in Jabalpur, India, by Avinash Lodhi sometime in April 2016. And the photo of the burned rabbit is from the 2018 wildfire in Malibu, California.

I expect a photo of the charred remains of Hansel and Gretel's victim to show up soon.

When your gut bacteria talk, your brain listens and replies

The jury’s still out on how the brain really works. But Sarkis Mazmanian, a medical microbiologist at Caltech, thinks the answers to many of the questions we still have about the brain may actually lie further south — in the gut, where trillions of bacteria live. There, these “good” bacteria live peacefully, helping us to break down fiber and absorb nutrients. They are referred to collectively as the gut microbiome. Despite the presence of the blood-brain-barrier (BBB), a tightly regulated border between the brain and circulating blood, the gut and the brain are in constant communication, either through incoming and outgoing nerves, or through small molecules that can pass through the BBB.

When my gut bacteria talks, my wife listens and leaves the room.

Apple Warns Not to Keep Its Credit Card by Leather. Or Denim. Or Loose Change.

Apple updated its support webpage this week to warn customers that some fabrics, such as leather and denim, could cause permanent discoloration to the Apple Card. That damage won’t wash off. Apple also advises against placing the card in a wallet slot that already has a different credit card, so it doesn’t get scratched. And the company says customers should not store their Apple Card in a pocket or bag with loose change, keys or “other potentially abrasive objects.”

Starbucks, monetary superpower

Starbucks has around $1.6 billion in stored value card liabilities outstanding. This represents the sum of all physical gift cards held in customer's wallets as well as the digital value of electronic balances held in the Starbucks Mobile App.* It amounts to ~6% of all of the company's liabilities. This is a pretty incredible number. Stored value card liabilities are the money that you, oh loyal Starbucks customer, use to buy coffee. What you might not realize is that these balances  simultaneously function as a loan to Starbucks. Starbucks doesn't pay any interest on balances held in the Starbucks app or gift cards. You, the loyal customer, are providing the company with free debt.

Hansel and Gretel committed a murder over a coffee and crumble. They were pikers compared to Starbucks

When I was younger, I discovered stoicism. At first I was put off by their slogan, Amor fati, because hey, no fat chicks. Then I dug a little deeper.  I got out my Rosetta stone, and translated from Latin into Greek, and then into Demotic, and back into Latin because my cuneiform is pretty rusty, and finally back into English. That's when I discovered Amor fati only tangentially refers to dating plus-size girls. A closer reading of the texts resulted in a truer meaning: "Sh*t happens." I decided right then and there that this was a worldview I could get behind, if not walk behind.

So I'm a stoic now. I'm in good company. Shakespeare said that there was nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. Or maybe it was Rodney Dangerfield. In any case, there are a lot of us stoics out there. For instance, often I'll say something extremely stoic, if that's even possible, and people will remark that stoics are really out there.

To get you in the stoic swing, I've decided to invite the granddaddy of all the stoic scribblers, Marcus Aurelius, to weigh in on today's news items.

Scorsese’s New Mob Epic, ‘The Irishman,’ Has Netflix and Theaters at Odds

The film, which may represent Mr. Scorsese’s grandest statement yet on the intersection of organized crime and American politics, is expected to be a strong contender in the 2020 Oscar race. He took his $159 million movie, with Robert De Niro in the lead role, to Netflix after his home studio of recent years, Paramount Pictures, balked at the budget. The full extent of the theatrical rollout remains up in the air. Where, exactly, moviegoers will be able to see “The Irishman” won’t be clear until the discussions between Netflix and select major theater chains end.

"The man who has a house everywhere has a home nowhere"

The Amazon is burning at a rate not seen since we started keeping track. The smoke is reaching cities 2,000 miles away.

This year so far, scientists have recorded more than 74,000 fires in Brazil. That's nearly double 2018's total of about 40,000 fires. The current surge marks an 83% increase in wildfires over the same period of 2018, Brazil's National Institute for Space Research reported. The largest state in Brazil, Amazonas, declared a state of emergency on Monday.

"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."

NASA Reports Fewer Fires Than Normal in Brazil

As of August 16, 2019, satellite observations indicated that total fire activity in the Amazon basin was slightly below average in comparison to the past 15 years. Though activity has been above average in Amazonas and to a lesser extent in Rondônia, it has been below average in Mato Grosso and Pará, according to the Global Fire Emissions Database.

"The opinion of 10,000 men is of no value if none of them know anything about the subject."

Why the placebo effect is getting stronger

A study published in the Journal of Affective Medicine showed that the placebo effect was twice as strong in clinical trials of antidepressants in 2005 when compared to those in 1985. And a similar trend has been spotted in anti-psychotics.

"If you are pained by any external thing, it is not this that disturbs you, but your own judgment about it."

Tesla Has Failed Massively As A Public Company

Musk’s greatest skill is in raising capital, but in the past five years that new capital—in excess of $20 billion—has led to greater losses and a much, much more levered balance sheet for Tesla.  No value is being created for Tesla shareholders. It’s just a sea of red ink and constant dilution of shareholders and additions of new creditors.

"Never act without purpose and resolve, or without the means to finish the job."

Ohio State seeks to trademark the word 'The'

The school, formally known as The Ohio State University, is seeking a trademark on the word "THE" for use on clothing and hats. According to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, the filing was made Thursday. University spokesman Chris Davey confirmed the school had made a trademark submission, saying it was necessary to protect the brand.

"Begin the morning by saying to thyself, I shall meet with the busy-body, THE ungrateful, arrogant, deceitful, envious, unsocial"

 Older adults can boost longevity 'with just a little exercise'

“It is important for elderly people, who might not be able to do much moderate-intensity activity, that just moving around and doing light-intensity [activity] [will have] strong effects and is beneficial,” said Ulf Ekelund, a professor and first author of the study at the Norwegian School of Sport Sciences.

"A wrongdoer is often a man who has left something undone, not always one who has done something."

Renowned Yale Computer Science Prof Leaves Darwinism

He has plenty of other problems with Darwinism. The last one he brings up is the (neo-)Darwinian belief that “gene mutations driv[e] macro-evolution.” These can explain changes in existing forms, but not the development of new forms. The mutations are fatal, and the organism dies before it can reproduce. There are no examples of mutations that are not fatal. This Georgia Tech geneticist John F. McDonald calls “the great Darwinian paradox.”

"Nothing has such power to broaden the mind as the ability to investigate systematically and truly all that comes under thy observation in life."

Democracy chilled by campaign against Boston Calling verdict

Brissette and Sullivan were found guilty of conspiracy; Brissette was also found guilty of extortion, for illegally pressuring a concert producer to hire members of the International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees union, which supported Mayor Marty Walsh during his first mayoral run. The effort to get a city permit played out during the summer of 2014 — the first year of Walsh’s first term. The concert took place in September 2014. Three days before it took place, concert organizers hired eight union laborers and one foreman, and finally got the permit they needed.

"He who eats my bread, does my will."

AT&T TV Combines The Worst of Cable, Satellite, & Streaming For One Inflated Price

In June, John Donovan, AT&T Communications CEO said their AT&T TV service would “radically reshape what your concept of television is.” This week, the company finally unveiled the service, which was thought to be a streaming version of their DIRECTV service — a fat bundle addressing the market of those who wanted DIRECTV, but couldn’t get the service because there was no line of site. What they unveiled though was everything that people hate about cable and satellite companies — hidden fees, contracts, teaser pricing, channels they don’t need — with the similar bundle that you would get with a $50 Live TV Streaming Service.

"...if a man comes to his fortieth year, and has any understanding at all, he has virtually seen - thanks to their similarity - all possible happenings, both past and to come."

San Francisco homeless stats soar: city blames big business, residents blame officials

It has more billionaires per capita than anywhere else in the world, but it also has a homeless problem so severe that it rivals some third-world nations. On any given day you can see souped-up Lamborghinis and blinged-out trophy wives in one part of the city, then walk over a few blocks and see piles of human feces, puddles of urine and vomit caked on the sidewalks. The misery of homelessness, mental illness and drug addiction hits deep in San Francisco and has turned parts of a beautiful city into a public toilet.

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane."

Have a modestly successful Thursday, everyone, whether you want to or not. That's how stoics do it. I hope you enjoyed Ol' Mark's take on today's news. Remember, don't get down in the mouth about today's events. To quote the two most famous stoic philosophers:

"Everything that happens happens as it should, and if you observe carefully, you will find this to be so."  -Marcus Aurelius

"They don't think it be like it is but it do." - Oscar Gamble

The internet used to be sort of useful. I don't think it is anymore. 

Maggie's Farm is like the old internet. I loved it. People bored with the usual tripe on TV and the radio could find all sorts of new and interesting viewpoints and useful information on the web. There were a lot of blogs, many of them superb. Politics was way in the back. It's weird, because at this point you can watch a livestream of a skanky girl getting her bumhole tattooed on the internet, but I am here to testify that no one reveals much of anything anymore. People are really guarded about saying anything about themselves. Well, pleasant, sane people are. If you look at an Instagram "influencer" account, there are pictures posted every few minutes, but they're all a put-on. The pictures are ads for a life that isn't being lived, i.e., fake. Everything is search engine optimized, not written. Social media is a list of what other people want you to think they think, like virtual coffee table books no one actually reads.

The internet died when it shifted from desktop computers to phones. Well, that put it on life support. Google killed it dead when they said the only search engine that matters wouldn't rank anything but the mobile version of a website. So the internet became a television broadcast with innumerable bad cable stations, projected on the same porthole-sized screen my grandmother had to watch Uncle Miltie. Ads took the place of all the entertainment, and cradle to grave stalking of the users took the place of ads. And since everyone brings their phone in the bathroom with them, you're even being spied on in there now. Even Nielson families didn't put up with that.

Bird Dog is away at doggie daycare, getting his nails clipped, so you're stuck with me. I hope you all appreciate him when he returns, because he's guarded this friendly little oasis of the old web from all comers, and that is quite an undertaking.

On to the news!

The WeWork IPO

Everything taken together hints at a completely unaccountable executive looting a company that is running as quickly as it can from massive losses that may very well be fatal whenever the next recession hits.

That quote is from a very detailed and incisive analysis of the possible upside of the WeWork IPO. Newsgathering outlets suck at this sort of reporting and analysis now, if they were ever good at it. The linked blog is like the old internet. Filled with useful information and savvy analysis.

An Underwater Exploration Toolkit for Boats

In the three months I have had this magical little robot, I’ve collected dozens of videos of underwater wonders… most of which were filmed right off my stern here in the marina, though I use a friend’s dinghy as well as the little Nomadling trimaran to dive in a few other places near Friday Harbor. I’ve gotten to know some of the critters who populate these waters, including the festive Alabaster Nudibranch (“garden slug in drag”), Giant White-Plumed Anemones, and of course Dungeness crabs and shrimp.

My friends and I had an underwater exploration kit. We went out on a skiff, and we shined a high intensity light on the ocean floor as we puttered along. I've heard rumors that you can find lobsters that way, and net them. Of course they would be undersized for the catch regulations, so you would never do such a thing, and then boil them on the beach and eat them. Say, what is the statute of limitations on fishery infractions? I'm asking for a friend.

Here’s the No. 1 highest-paid, fastest-growing job in every U.S. state

Software developers, physical therapists and physician assistants crop up frequently among the highest-paid and fastest-growing jobs in every U.S. state, according to a new analysis by CareerBuilder. The site analyzed government data to project the careers most likely to be lucrative and in demand. Most of these jobs require some level of college education.

Scroll down the list. Keep scrolling. Software, nurses, physical therapists, software, nurses, physical therapists. Keep scrolling. Keep scrolling. Ah, Oklahoma. Rotary drill operators. Then back at it; software, nurses, physical therapists, software, nurses, physical therapists...

Why Everyone Loves Remote Work

Gallup’s State of the American Workplace Report found that 43% of employees work remotely at least some of the time. And among those who work remotely at least part of the time, the percent of employees who work remotely 100% of the time is now 20%, up from 15% four years prior. People are increasingly attracted to remote jobs, with 37% saying they would switch to a job that gave them the ability to work off-site at least part of the time.

I was surveyed for this report, but my answer was misconstrued. They asked me if I liked working remotely, and I told them I wasn't remotely working. English is hard.

NFL And Pluto TV Team For Streaming Channel “Celebrating” Pro Football’s Past

The NFL and Pluto TV have reached a deal to launch the NFL Channel, a curated library offering, on the ad-supported streaming service. Because Pluto is available free for consumers, much of the programming on its 150-plus networks approximates but does not duplicate what pay-TV subscribers get via the traditional bundle. That means the NFL Channel will not mirror the NFL Network, which has evolved into a well-distributed staple in the league’s media portfolio. Instead, according to the official launch release, the new initiative will be dedicated to “celebrating the NFL’s iconic and classic moments spanning over a decade of past seasons.”

I'd rather watch old football games than new ones anyway. Football players have gotten tiresome.

Taiwan leader lauds Cathay CEO for listing self instead of giving names to CCP

According to local Hong Kong media reports, Beijing authorities asked Hogg to hand over a list of Cathay Pacific employees who had taken part in the recent anti-extradition bill protests in Hong Kong. Instead of betraying his employees and endangering their safety, he only provided a list of one name -- his own.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is leadership. He lost his job, by the way. Bet he finds another one.

The Crossword Panic of 1944

But while some members of MI5, Britain’s counter-espionage service, were whiling away their spare moments in May 1944 by doing the Telegraph Crossword, they noticed that vital code-names that had been adopted to hide the mightiest sea-borne assault of all time, appeared in the crossword. They noticed that the answer to one clue, ‘One of the USA’, turned out to be Utah, and another answer to a clue was Omaha. These were the names given by the Allies to the beaches in Normandy where the American Forces were to land on D-Day. Another answer that appeared in that month’s crossword was Mulberry. This was the name of the floating harbour that was to be towed across the Channel to accommodate the supply ships of the invasion force.

Minorly fascinating story about the perils of coincidence. I'm trying to picture what would happen to the crossword author nowadays. What's a ten-letter word for a detention camp, starting with "G" ?

Lyme Disease Is Baffling, Even to Experts

By now, accumulating evidence suggests that in many mammals, Lyme bacteria can persist after treatment with antibiotics—leading more scientists to wonder if the bacteria can do the same in humans. In 2012, a team led by the microbiologist Monica Embers of the Tulane National Primate Research Center found intact B. burgdorferi lingering for months in rhesus macaques after treatment. Embers also reported that the macaques had varying immune responses to the infection, possibly explaining why active bacteria remained in some. The study drew criticism from figures in the IDSA establishment; in their view it failed to prove that the bacteria remained biologically active.

You know, if keep writing articles about persistent Lyme disease, it might eventually be more popular with internet hypochondriacs than Morgellons, vaccine-induced autism, and fibromyalgia put together.

Walmart sues Tesla over several solar panel fires caused by ‘negligence’

Tesla has installed solar panels at more than 240 Walmart locations, but lawyers for the retailer write in the complaint that “the occurrence of multiple fires involving Tesla’s solar systems is but one unmistakable sign of negligence.” Walmart alleges in the suit that Tesla didn’t ground its systems properly, that the solar panels installed at Walmart sites were defective, and that Tesla didn’t keep proper documentation of the systems.

Tesla builds cars in a tent. You bought solar panels from them. Negligence? A pointed finger often identifies two malefactors.

Earth's inner core is doing something weird

Capitalizing on the zigzagged signals from those decades-old nuclear explosions, John Vidale, a seismologist at the University of Southern California, now has the latest estimate for this rate. In a recent study published in Geophysical Research Letters, he reports that the inner core likely inches along just faster than Earth’s surface. If his rate’s right, it means that if you stood on a spot at the Equator for one year, the part of the inner core that was previously beneath you would wind up under a spot 4.8 miles away.

If you stand on a spot on the Equator for one year, you're the one doing something weird. Leave the Earth out of it

Larry King files for divorce from his seventh wife, Shawn, after 22 years of marriage

King has been married eight times to seven different women, including Alene Akins, whom he married and divorced twice. In addition to his sons with Shawn, the veteran TV and radio host has three other children.

With this many people involved, under the Worker Adjustment and Retraining Notification Act of 1988, I believe Larry needs to provide a 60 calendar-day notice of any layoffs.

Coffee Rust Threatens Latin American Crop; 150 Years Ago, It Wiped Out An Empire

An outbreak of coffee leaf rust, caused by the fungus Hemileia vastatrix, hit the celebrated coffee-producing region in 2012, and by 2014 it had infected the entire farm. That year El Valle harvested a meager 28,000 pounds of coffee, an 80 percent drop. The next harvests were even smaller. With the lowest coffee prices in a dozen years, reviving the farm has been deeply challenging.

So, prices are too low, because there's a coffee glut. But coffee rust will ruin harvests, which will lower supply, so prices will rise. Well, I've solved that problem. I'm going to use my great big invisible hand to make a pot of joe now.

Enjoy your Wednesday everyone!