Maggie's Farm

It has been a long week, but a lot occurred.

There have been at least 10 calls or meetings with my doctors and learned several issues.  It isn't that doctors withhold information, but sometimes trials and treatments are described certain ways to push for particular outcomes.  In my particular situation, there are, literally, very few of great benefit.  As a result, one we had originally signed up for early, we quickly dropped out of taking part as a member.  We learned a lot about no outcomes at all for my particular issue.  We also learned about significant reduced health as part of it and a switch in my chemo drugs - which have significantly lower results.  So we dropped out and switched to the original chemo for sllightly better near term results.  We shall see.

I also had to attend a speech therapist from the oncologists themselves.  I took several tests and ran several case studies for an hour and a half.  I found my math, history and speaking skills were better than my graduate studies.  I also found my ability to remember music, movies and certain names of known actors or singers to be sufficiently less - but also that was common among people my age.  Another test, which required my naming several word categories within a minute to be well done - except for one.  Words starting with the letter "M" and no names, did well for 40 seconds and stalled as one word dropped out of my head and I was dragging behind to spell it out and remember it.  This identified a very high area to help improve my mentality where I have stalled.  That said, she asked many business and corporate questions which were not stalled or slow at all.  She was rather shocked by this in media as I exposed several concerns with journalists I'd had issues with - and they were backed up in her data, as well as my ability to describe a lawsuit I had closed with a previous employer, as well as my description of several previous depositions which I'd taken part of and my ability to not only remember them (though dates I doubt I could provide) I did know what was covered.

Will write more later, just an update.

First - finally done with steroids, which has finally left me with my first full evening of sleep!  Yay.  After 19 days of less than a single 7 hour evening, I got 8 hours, deep sleep and the doctor confirming it was all steroid driven.  The steroids were great and limiting physical back issues.  Today?  Still feeling good but sleepier last night, so all good.

Second, SKM visit today by 11 in NYC.  Heading out shortly and 2 sons joining us to have a conversation.  No information no knowledge just learning to start.  3 other potential docs to speak with or potentially meet, one in Florida with a very new learning I have and one at Duke College.  So conversations will be interesting and needed.  High likelihood may be no switches and having to make some choices of who/where/when in about 6 weeks.  But right now I'm leaning that we may stick with the current group.

Third, visit from my brother yesterday, just a walk to town and lunch at a diner which was great.  Good exercise, but he already knew several people with various versions of my particular result.  Most have lost lives already, which is a known, but luckily knows several others who survived for years.  Will share more later when I'm back.

More to come! 
(sorry for delay and shortness at 7am on 2/21 as I was rushing to leave and get to the doctor - some new info and updates to follow but sorry with the rush and slight misspelling then silence and no follow up)

Not much today on Saturday in terms of activity and effort - snow made that a bit of a delay and reduction for some things.

Two sons and one girlfriend, we took the dog and went to our local brewery.  Lions Roar Brewing in Westfield, NJ. 
They allowed the dog (she's my regular dog, a rescue Frenchy Bulldog we have, but my current specialist post surgery even if she's not really that specialized...helps us keep her around). Nice brewery with outdoor seating and warmth.  Lovely joint.

We played some card games.  I struggled a bit recovering and understanding the rules, we all had a great game and I guess I was ok.

I tried Red Ale.  I didn't want beer originally, but figured why not one small one.  I used to brew Red Ale and liked it as an old brewing.  Today?  Sorry, no taste.  It wasn't bad.  Just bland.  So I drank half, and I guess beer is now done for me.  There just wasn't anything I enjoyed.  Not sad over that at all.

Nothing much, really, not today.

One regular physical which actually predated the surgery and current situation.  I'd set that a month and a half ago PRIOR to the sudden outcome of 2/2-2/6.  The meeting 2/16 with the 29 year old son (who I asked to join me for knowledge and conversation) went VERY well.  Could be analyzed as "sad" but I said "Nope - not going for that."  The doctor smiled and laughed and said he appreciated my approach which "just remember - anything could happen."

Sure.  But why bother with that worry or concern now?  IF it happens, we'll set as wise an approach with them as we can and my son was wonderful about it.  In the meantime, I told him my love, positive outlook, and how I will forever (as much as possible) be kind and loving and forward thinking as I am capable of.  My son smiled and said he would help with better knowledge and fulfillment as he can while time continues.  There are some medical agreements we will set IF I lose any reality or knowledge or health.

Steroids still IMPROVING my short term health.  But may be a short term option until other tests or treatments become straightforward.  It will always be engaged if necessary, even if they have no positive outcomes.  It's always for a high hope and belief that it may assist.

Sleeping?  Still odd.  Plenty.  At least 6 hours for now (I would only get 6-7 before all this anyway, but usually not as easily then).  Today?  Great 6 hour deep sleeps but then 4 - 6 am wake ups regardless of when I go to sleep (10-2am varies).  A few daily naps of an hour or so.  All expected or temporary as my health (doctors' view) improves.

So this is a 4:30 am post!  HA!  Woke up, felt good, had some tea, and doing reading or writing where I can.  Doctor suggested listening to music and singing to improve the memory again!  I am starting that after my first week home taking a rest and taking it all easy!

Watching lots of sports (I have been down on Purdue college basketball and football for 2 years.  Today?  Did a long conversation and review - they are my #1 NCAA choice based on my analysis for college basketball.  I was right about them for 2 years.  Now?  I have a very strong feeling of their play and potential outcome this year.  Not my school, but I love reading what I'm seeing and THEY are my #1 belief.)

Planning some hikes and walks!  Still OK.  Hoping for a few with Bird Dog and his family ASAP!

Music!  Love it a lot right now.

Son is an excellent cook and has been prepping food wonderfully (and frankly, I am stunned how delicious everything has been for the last 5 days - wow!  I don't know why I'm having GREAT food results.)

People - 99% love, kindness and friendliness.  1% anger, open results, honesty if it's "mean" because I do not care if you choose to be an idiot.  One person, very nice guy I like a lot, former drug abuser who was arrested many years ago and cleaned up his life - built a business, he and I became really friendly with.  Then, 3 months ago he became aggressive and lied about my sports commentaries.  Literally lied and expanded how he responded to my results!  At first I was nice about it and boosted the honesty and truth!  He pretended to "joke" and called me stupid names.  "Arrogant"  "Wrong"  "Liar of proof"  "Don't consider the teams properly or the coaching."  UGHHHHH  I finally ended by saying he needs to stop being a dumbass.  I have the highest respect for people like him who improved their own and other people's lives.  I've never supported his teams (Dallas) and have always been open or honest about my responses - no lies.  No falsehood.  He then made a poorly supported claim about SF and several players - I checked with sports writer friends and I was 100% correct.  He called me more names and a "liar" after my surgery.  I reminded him I have great information and friends - and what my surgery is or why my outcomes were likely sad.  That I RESPECTED AND SUPPORTED HIS PERSONAL IMPROVEMENTS.  He again sends an aggressive and 100% incorrect response to me!  I told him simply - stop or end our relationship.  That's your problem.  Nothing I wrote was wrong.  He just didn't like it or agree with it and got angry at me for no good reason or an open discussion outside of calling me names.  Nonsense. Unnecessary.  I hope we regain our caring and friendly stuff.  I don't think he knows what reality is - he never did properly, at times.

Sorry everyone if I say anything misspelled or long or incorrect!  Please feel free to let me know when I do something improperly!  I am sticking with the "I need to keep working on this" approach.  Thank you again for prayers, support, happiness and love.  You've all been so friendly!   

Maybe as my health starts to shift a little, this all slows down or changes.  I hope not! 

Brief hello and update!  Good Morning!  This may be long, but I spent a lot of time over the past few days having sports conversations and thinking about my growth and youth.  So this may be broad and not overly specific in some ways.  It's more of a combination of open conversations with friends who have happily swung by to speak and get together to see if I'm holding my head together and speech well.

I am slowly working on the reading, writing and updating.  Will keep things as simple as possible.  Some things are actually going way better even today than I'd expected!  A few personal family and home things - oof.  LOL.  Frustratingly slow and asking help as words are struggled or forgotten, and I'm slowly reviving others which work! 

Sorry if some of you have, or have families, friends or others who have had similar health issues like mine.  I am not trying to make anyone feel bad or feel the need or desire to discuss.  If I do speak about my situation in any way, I'm just happy to say what even others in my family have asked me to avoid raising.  Mainly because I feel nice openly discussing as i need to work out the details!  Hoping for great things as I may need to work through it all! 

Such a pleasure as I work to recover!  I will make one more statement that sounds mean but I'm not afraid to finish this finally, regardless of what anyone replies with.  I make so few, but this is so overdue in my life and so damn annoying from the office.  Zachriel, who I shall name once because I learned so much about his deep trouble, and his shit and his stupidity, who he is where he is from, his lies, his evil, his deepness that was often overlooked.  I have no trouble if his mind is eliminated.  He must go.  His work is the most evil and I dug up so much about him in my online work, prior to my recent health issues, to know him, without exposing him, and I hope he finally got my recommendation to corporations who insisted delivery of my information.  So many people opposed him and I agreed.  I feel right to oppose his deep evil.  I know he thinks I do NOT know who he is - but I do.  I know where he is from, who he is, but I had to, due to the office, keep it all quiet publicly.  That's how social groups handle this.  But he fell into a range of BS that I had to keep raising because he is deeply evil in my POV and not afraid to lie and be an asshole as a person.  So now I won't be the same toward his action.  I'm sure someone or he thinks there is more information I don't know.  That is incorrect.  I'm far more intelligent than he ever knew or admitted.  Far more connected, far more knowledgeable and he literally told me once I didn't know about him (or his group as he used to say) when I did.  Corporate handling required ME remaining quiet...so I'm being as polite limited as I can.  I know everything.  He'll say I don't - and he should know he's lying if he doesn't realize it.

No more naming of him.  He shall leave and we shall return to happiness and love without the truths I exposed about him.

Now I will share other information because that's my last negativity...I've had several things on a few issues I've had to pressure and move on the last few weeks and now I've told everyone I'm ending that.  

Tomorrow we are out of the official 6 week window from Nov 20 (the earliest the holiday season starts prior to Thanksgiving) to Jan 3 (the latest you can have a work day if Jan 1 falls on a Friday).

I don't remember when I started noticing it, because my days are usually pretty busy at work. At some point, I did notice other people started taking more time during that period, clients and partners started having more long lunches or dinners after work.  There was always the obligatory office party, as well as invitations to client parties....
Basically Nov 20 to about Jan 3 is usually a big fiesta.  I'm not complaining, it just isn't something I ever really thought about until this year because I have noticed more people taking time during this 6 week period.

Meetings were canceled, postponed, or otherwise put off unless absolutely necessary.  Which was pretty common as the end of year approached.  Some tasks have to be completed and goals met.

Which isn't to say nothing happens during the 6 week fiesta. There's always work, and I've seen it get pretty busy (this year a lot of firms were sprinting to their year end budgets - almost all coming up short). But it's definitely treated as a mild work period.

Many management comments will basically sound like "We really need to put in some effort these last few weeks to make the budget, but don't forget that the office party is on Tuesday Dec X and you'll need to get your self-evaluation in no later than the 29th of December. Have a great season."
I don't say this to be snarky - that's actually how it usually goes, and it can be a pretty good holiday season.

I always worked the week between Christmas and New Year - mainly because most people wouldn't, and it was an easier week.  I remember taking those days to go to long lunches and see movies after lunch, then finish up at the office.  Working from home takes a bit of that out of the equation, but I still did quite a bit of work last week.

Hope all of you, particularly if you share our points of view, thoughts, or opinions, have a great new year.  Which isn't to imply those who don't should have a bad one.  I don't wish ill on anyone at all.  Some people just have bad years.  I've had one or two along the way, and I've always looked for ways to flip that script.  I am pretty good at that.  There is always someone who injects themselves into your life and just know they have to in order to somehow make your life 'better' or feel like they somehow belong, and they aren't really welcome.  They show up anyway and feel like they are doing a service.  I work hard to be civil and cut those people out of my life as much as possible.  You have to maintain positivity and those people are simply not positive.  One of those people, recently, learned something about me which completely altered their view.  

They had gone to HR not too long ago and had crafted a story, reporting me.  After some angst, HR basically ignored it.  That person treated me poorly for a while until taking the time to learn about me.  The script has flipped.  After a non-apology, I simply said "I don't spend too much time worrying about nonsense.  It doesn't move me forward and I try to be optimistic.  It pays dividends."  Since that time, my work life has become immeasurably better, though busier.

We all have similar experiences and hopefully all of you will take Colin Powell's old comment (which is part of a list of 'rules' I try to employ) that "Optimism is a force multiplier."

 Oddly, the list of 'rules' were given to me by one of the most negative, mean, people I ever worked for.  I added that comment when another co-worker suggested it as a means of dealing with the list of rules, which are generally very good.

Whatever rules you live by - live well and benefit from them.  Just remember, you're not here because you have to make other lives better.  If you do, and if they accept it, great and good for you and them.

If all you do is keep showing up and you haven't read the room - maybe there's another room that's better for you and others.  Find a way to be beneficial and live better in whatever way works.

A friend of mine recently described the upcoming year as 'tumultuous'.  I won't disagree with that description.  Despite that, we'll find a way to make it all a good one.

Happy 2024.