Maggie's Farm

Look, I'm tired of Al Gore. You guys can point out that he's none too bright and a hypocrite for preaching the gospel of global warming armageddon while running his electric meter fast enough to use as a baloney slicer all day long. As for me, I'd just like to point out that the guy's just plain nuts.

No; really. Crazy. This isn't like calling Bush Hitler because you want no co-pay for your Paxil and Hillary's not president yet. I really think Al Gore is Grade A-Batsh*t-Laughing Academy-Bonkers. And I bet I can prove it.

Al Gore has Carbon Dioxide Bulimia. But being a narcissistic baby boomer me-first patrician, it's my throat he wants to shove his finger down when he's done with his binges. That's an improvement on his old boss, who wanted to shove all sorts of things into all sorts of places; but really, Al, if you feel guilty because you were born with a carbon spoon in your mouth, that's no reason for me and mine to shiver unemployed in the dark. Check yourself in whatever clinic the Kennedys use this month, and make a made for TV movie about it when they're done with you. Leave me alone.

So I'll prove Al Gore is nuts. I'll take the Wikipedia entry for Bulimia, and we'll see how few words I have to change to make it fit. The changes will be marked in red. Here goes:

You know, there's comedy; high comedy, low comedy, farce, satire; there's people that think Al Gore understands the universe and everything in it, when of course he's pushing sixty and can't dress himself yet. And of course, there's always fat women slipping on banana peels. That sort of thing.

It's cruel to laugh at people in distress. We shouldn't do it. It's unkind.

For instance, if someone was to get hold a stash of old Dating Service videotapes, and edit it for all the real winners, and then posted it on YouTube, and you were to watch it, it would be mean to laugh. Really. So don't laugh. I dare you to try not to. It's just not the Christian thing to do. Good luck.

Line forms at the left, ladies

Steven Spielberg had a stolen Norman Rockwell painting in his collection. What a bizarre story.

"Russian Schoolroom," a Rockwell painting stolen from a gallery in the St. Louis suburb of Clayton, Mo., more than three decades ago, was found in Oscar-winning filmmaker Steven Spielberg's art collection, the FBI announced Friday.

Spielberg purchased the painting in 1989 from a legitimate dealer and didn't know it was stolen until his staff spotted its image last week on an FBI Web site listing stolen works of art, the bureau said in a statement.

The painting was commissioned by Look Magazine in 1967.

Spielberg is a longtime collector of Rockwell paintings, and helped to found the Rockwell Museum in Stockbridge, Massachusetts. Good for him.

Norman Rockwell was an artist and illustrator of great intuitive insight, famous for painting scenes from everyday life that encapsulate great themes.

In 1967, the Soviet Union was still a going concern. Leonid Brezhnev was advancing Marxist insurgencies in Southeast Asia, Africa, Latin America. The point of the Soviet bayonet was prodding the United States through a proxy war in Vietnam. Being a closed society, the Soviet Union was able to sow the seeds of confusion about its aims and its depredations on the lives of its own people in the open western press. 

In a stunning turnaround, The Right Reverend Al Gore announced today that he has abandoned his "Crusade to End Exhalation and Bovine Flatulence," and has turned his attention to a more pressing concern: The apostrophe.

"I was jetting all over the world, Davos, Vail, Rhiyad to pick up my check, and I got a good long look at all the people who have been masturbating furiously in the front row of An Inconvenient Truth and screaming at evil republicans on my beloved invention, the internet. It hit me like a metric tonne of greenhouse gases, I'm telling you. I saw my one, true calling. We must ration apostrophes! The use of apostrophe's ... oh, damn... See? They've got me doing it now. We're going to run out of apostrophes if we don't act globally now!"

"I'd read my supporter's...that one belongs there, right? That's possessive, isn't it? Or does it go on the end? Damn, I've lost track...at any rate, I've read their fevered comments on the usual Republitards webpages, and weep for the clear-cutting of the apostrophe forests necessary to form just one paragraph. I mean, it's like I'm reading Klingon or Arabic or something. Can't they just photoshop a Hitler moustache on a previously photoshopped picture of Bush eating a kitten, like normal people do, instead of this unsustainable use of precious apostrophe's... Damn! See? I did it again."

"Look at this," Reverend Al ushered me over to the hand cranked laptop he had installed in his indoor riding ring/jetpark, to lower his carbon footprint. "Look at this! Look at this and weep for the coming world. A world without apostrophes!"

We've got an exclusive peek at Al Gore's next infotainment triumph. Al's taking his tent meeting onto the groaning floorboards of Broadway with his gospels according to, well... himself, I guess: Gorespell!

Sing along with Al:

-Day by day
-Day by day
-Oh Dear Al
-Three things I pray
-To see thee more clearly (You’re getting global looking yourself)
-Love thee more dearly (Dear Leader of our cult)
-Follow thee more nearly (In a private jet all the way, baby)
-Day by day

-Day by day
-Day by day
-Oh Dear Al
-Three things I pray
-To discount the temperature variation trend inferred from ?¹⁸O of peat cellulose in a peat core from Hongyuan (eastern Qinghai–Tibet plateau, southwestern China) more clearly
-Love thee by offsetting  your carbon emissions by paying someone else to plant on a tree on your behalf every time you breathe or drive your car more dearly
-Ignore the effect of diurnal correction on satellite-derived lower tropospheric temperature more completely    -Day by day

-Day by day
-Day by day
-Oh Dear Al
-Three things I pray
-To misinterpret the burial of the soils, triggered by environmental–climatic variations, that took place in several phases and overlook  the last 3000 yr chronological correlation that can be drawn between phases of glacial advance, scree and alluvial sedimentation and development of periglacial features more weirdly
-Love to view the northern Antarctic Peninsula warming and Weddell polynya as local anomalies in the generally cooling Antarctic and find impetuous claims of association (and often causation) more dearly
-To bask in the glow of  Cuba’s Union of Young Communist's newspaper report of acting Cuban President Raul Castro  who recognized the effort of the former vice president to denounce" global warming during a two-hour meeting with youth leaders on Friday more nearly
-Day by day ...

Um... There's 154 more verses. I'll put them in a PowerPoint presentation and e-mail them to you.

... Okinawa, if the lens caps are off.

I love the smell of miso in the morning. Smells like...

Victory!

ABC and Betty Ford are pleased to announce Britney "Uncle Fester" Spears has been added to the cast of the hit TV series "The Rehab Family."

The show was in danger of being cancelled, but four or five understudies for each character have been signed to long-term, multi-year contracts; and reports are that many of them are breeding! This assures us of years of family entertainment to come!

Tune in, any time, any place, to any medium, and see a new episode 24/7.

Pelosi give the Koskids a pound of saggy flesh.

Friends of Maggie's Farm have given us exclusive inside photos of the exhaustive -- and we daresay, exhausting--interview process that the son of the south uses when trying to find people from one America ready, willing, and able to savagely attack the other America without them noticing. Our old pal Iowahawk has the resume of one of the last sterling candidates for the job. You can read it here, if you're not faint of heart when hearing strong Anglo-Saxon words.

So Mookie's decided to boogie all the way to Iran.

Apparently the real Surgin' General is named Petraeus.

Via WFMJ NewsNow: "An ex-girlfriend snitched on...[editor's note: name garbled in transmission]...who is now accused of pilfering high-end lingerie worth nearly 15-thousand dollars."

In other news, here's a picture of Tom Brady.

We were going through the cut-out record bin this weekend and found this oldie but goodie. It makes great listening while reading Pajamas Media's roundup of reax to the John Edwards decision to be faithful to those that malign the faithful while maligning the malignant maligning they faithfully malign with. Or something.

Maggie's Farm, always on the cutting edge of environmental matters, brings you exclusive coverage of California Assemblyman Lloyd Levine announcing he would propose a bill to ban the use of incandescent bulbs in his state. The dim, milky, expensive ones filled with exotic, dangerous gases that require recycling are just as good, and sometimes even come on and emit light-like waves before I crack my shin on the coffee table or before I'm done in the bathroom -- if it's Number 2.

Lloyd is undoubtedly a tireless steward of the environment, and Maggie's Farm is sanguine that he's used the magical powers bestowed upon all state legislators, by virtue of getting several thousand government union workers and extended family members to pull a lever for them every once in a while, to foresee all the various ramifications of outlawing an item that...let's face it... no one much uses any more anyway. 

I think that's Lloyd on the right there. No, that's a potted plant. My bad.

I'm sorry, is that your foot? 

You know, if I was the dumbest person in the world, I'd offer a service where all the people in the world who have some sort of effect on the opinions of others can broadcast their thoughts and feelings all over this great globe of ours, and then I'd piss those people off as profoundly as possible by wrecking their webpages and holing up behind a help page with no contact information, and no help on the page.

The two smartest people in the world are that dumb. Think how dumb dumb people are.

From Today's Boston Globe:

Senator John F. Kerry plans to announce today that he will not run in the 2008 presidential race, and will instead remain in Congress and seek reelection to his Senate seat next year, according to senior Democratic officials.

Kerry, a Massachusetts Democrat, plans to say he will remain in the Senate to recommit himself to efforts to extricate the United States from the war in Iraq.

I have no steak... um...stake in the offering, but if there's more fun to be had rating bovine beasts on the internet, I haven't seen it. Unless of course you get the Playboy channel, but that costs money. This is free!

Ruminant...um...ruminate on each lovely entrant, and read the comments offered by sons of the sod and daughters of the dairy for each one.

Um... watch where you're standin'.

RateMyCow.com

The picture is "Bigglesworth." Very nicely turned out.

This is a golden oldie, but apparently Body Flex still exists. Greer Childers has lost the Bride Of Blonde Frankenstein/I Live Under The Power Lines perm, but she's still suckin' wind. And it's never good when you're mentioned in one of these.

But without question, this is the most entertaining exercise video in the history of ...well...

You blow, girl.

Body Flex (YouTube video)