In a stunning turnaround, The Right Reverend Al Gore announced today that he has abandoned his "Crusade to End Exhalation and Bovine Flatulence," and has turned his attention to a more pressing concern: The apostrophe.
"I was jetting all over the world, Davos, Vail, Rhiyad to pick up my check, and I got a good long look at all the people who have been masturbating furiously in the front row of An Inconvenient Truth and screaming at evil republicans on my beloved invention, the internet. It hit me like a metric tonne of greenhouse gases, I'm telling you. I saw my one, true calling. We must ration apostrophes! The use of apostrophe's ... oh, damn... See? They've got me doing it now. We're going to run out of apostrophes if we don't act globally now!"
"I'd read my supporter's...that one belongs there, right? That's possessive, isn't it? Or does it go on the end? Damn, I've lost track...at any rate, I've read their fevered comments on the usual Republitards webpages, and weep for the clear-cutting of the apostrophe forests necessary to form just one paragraph. I mean, it's like I'm reading Klingon or Arabic or something. Can't they just photoshop a Hitler moustache on a previously photoshopped picture of Bush eating a kitten, like normal people do, instead of this unsustainable use of precious apostrophe's... Damn! See? I did it again."
"Look at this," Reverend Al ushered me over to the hand cranked laptop he had installed in his indoor riding ring/jetpark, to lower his carbon footprint. "Look at this! Look at this and weep for the coming world. A world without apostrophes!"
I could barely see him in the reflected glow of the crummy screen, and the compact fluorescents he used in the stable were barely enough for me to tell what I had just stepped in, but he was right. I looked in horror at sentence after sentence sprinkled with apostrophes without regard to possession or contraction. The "its" alone were enough to empty a New York Public Library's worth of books of precious, life-giving apostrophes. It was if I was looking at the apostrophe universe winking out before my eyes.
-These Rethuglican's think their illeagal war for oil will be covered up by the Illuminati's who brought down the tower's with there black helicopter's, but when the Pelosi's of this congress impeach the Chimpbushitler's they will be singing a different tune out of there hat's. Sad.
-All I see is story's of people with Master's Degree's in Philosophy's loosing there job's and struggling to make end's meat. Impeach the Chimphitlerburtonotard's NOW! Sad.
We read comment string after comment string of well-deserved abuse heaped on ChimpyMcflightsuitHitlerburton by all-knowing and wise academics and cubicle dwellers, and the legions of the Reality Based Community weighing in from their mother's basement. All-wise, of course; but with one, horrible, terrible exception. Well, two if you count appending "Sad" to the nether end of every comment. Al Gore looked up at the spot where he thought I was, a tear glistened in his eye, and he said: "I must save the apostrophe. I only have a few decades left, but maybe through strict rationing, along with re-education camps based on fourth grade curriculum from the 1950s for the wayward, I can do it."
"If there's any time left for me on this mortal coil after that," he intoned quietly,"I'll use it to get them to stop spelling it: "arguement."
