Look, I'm tired of Al Gore. You guys can point out that he's none too bright and a hypocrite for preaching the gospel of global warming armageddon while running his electric meter fast enough to use as a baloney slicer all day long. As for me, I'd just like to point out that the guy's just plain nuts.
No; really. Crazy. This isn't like calling Bush Hitler because you want no co-pay for your Paxil and Hillary's not president yet. I really think Al Gore is Grade A-Batsh*t-Laughing Academy-Bonkers. And I bet I can prove it.
Al Gore has Carbon Dioxide Bulimia. But being a narcissistic baby boomer me-first patrician, it's my throat he wants to shove his finger down when he's done with his binges. That's an improvement on his old boss, who wanted to shove all sorts of things into all sorts of places; but really, Al, if you feel guilty because you were born with a carbon spoon in your mouth, that's no reason for me and mine to shiver unemployed in the dark. Check yourself in whatever clinic the Kennedys use this month, and make a made for TV movie about it when they're done with you. Leave me alone.
So I'll prove Al Gore is nuts. I'll take the Wikipedia entry for Bulimia, and we'll see how few words I have to change to make it fit. The changes will be marked in red. Here goes:
Carbon Dioxide Bulimia nervosa, commonly known as
Gorebitchoff, is an
emitting disorder It is a psychological condition in which the subject engages in recurrent binge
emitting followed by a
demand for inte
rnational purging. This purging is done in order to compensate for
(insert imaginary global catastrophe here) and to prevent the
peasants gettin' all uppity and trying to fly first class. Purging typically takes the form of
rationing; inappropriate use of
private jets, enemas,
The United Nations, or other governments; and
demanding excessive physical exercise
from everybody but your porcine self. New research suggests that some sufferers may have
witnessed an hormonal imbalance of testosterone; however, this research
was in its early stages
when Ken Starr ruined it for everybody. Criteria
The following five criteria should be met for a patient to be diagnosed with Carbon Dioxide bulimia nervosa:
- Recurrent episodes of binge emitting. An episode of binge emitting is characterized by both of the following:
- Emitting, in a fixed period of time (e.g., within any two-hour period), an amount of carbon that is definitely larger than most people, airlines, volcanoes, and any four random giant used truck tire fires would emit during a similar period of time and under similar circumstances.
- A sense of lack of control over emitting during the episode (e.g., a feeling that one cannot stop emitting or control what or how much one is emitting).
- Recurrent inappropriate compensatory behavior in order to prevent Global Temperature gain, such as self-aggrandizing sermonizing, inducing vomiting in people who can add and subtract; misuse of Power Points, laser pointers or other medications; calling for the abolition of consensual government and immediate subjugation to idiot transnational bureaucracies run by smelly Frenchmen; or demanding excessive exercise from everybody else while you fly overhead.
- The binge emitting and inappropriate compensatory behaviors both occur, on average, at least twice a week for three months. There may be intermediate bouts of strip mining and tobacco farming.
- Self-evaluation is unduly influenced by body shape and weight. (See: Hindenburg)
- The disturbance does not occur exclusively during episodes of
anorexia nervosa Vice-PresidencyCauses
Bulimia is often less about carbon, and more to do with deep psychological issues and profound feelings of lack of control. Binge/purge episodes can be severe, sometimes involving rapid and out of control emitting that can stop when the sufferers "are interrupted by Oscar Ceremonies" or when their stomach hurts from over-extension. This cycle may be repeated several times a week or, on the New York Times front page, several times a day. Sufferers can often "use the destructive emitting pattern to gain control over their vastly inferior subject peasant's lives," that wouldn't recognize peer-reviewed hockey-stick charts calling for the end of normal economic activity, and most breathing, if it bit them on their Minivan driving asses.
