Maggie's Farm

Losing someone you love, particularly a family member, is painful.  I can't say I know, nobody in my closest circle of friends or family has died.  My brother-in-law died 22 years ago, and while we were friendly I wouldn't say we were close.  He was family and that was painful enough.  For my in-laws it was much worse, but I was more observer and shoulder to cry on.  

I received a message from a fraternity brother on Sunday night that my former roommate (also a fraternity brother) had lost his younger (real) brother in a tragic late night car accident on Saturday.  I happen to be friendly with my former roommate's older (real) brother through work, and I was friendly with the deceased as well, though only from a distance.  My wife knows my former roommate well, as we played beach volleyball for a summer the year she and I started dating, and we've gone to the Preakness every year as part of a large group.

Mrs. Bulldog, having gone through this experience of family loss, insisted I set up a call with all our fraternity brothers as soon as possible.  I wasn't sure this was wise.  She was adamant.  So I checked with my roommate's older brother (who, obviously, was also hurting) to express my condolences and see if this was a good decision.  We are all separated by many miles and the lockdown will prevent any of us traveling for a funeral.  His reaction was rapid, emphatically positive, and it didn't take much insistence on my part to assure he join.

For 2 hours Tuesday night we videoconferenced with 8 old college buddies, 1 close friend, and 1 older brother.  10 people just sharing experiences.  Mostly, however, my former roommate and his brother were expressing grief, sharing their fondest memories, how they will be there for their niece, and all the thoughts and feelings that pass through peoples' minds at moment like this.  The rest of us listened, shared some smiles, casual observations, a joke or two where it was fitting, and it felt good to just soak in their memories and feelings.  It may be hard for me to empathize, never having lost anyone very close.  But I can sympathize and provide some consolation.

As skeptical as I was, I hoped it would be cathartic and meaningful.  It seems to have done some good.  The older brother sent me a note this morning of an old Jewish saying that grief shared is grief halved.  He is a lay minister, and we began to share our thoughts on the nature of God.  We concluded a videoconference may not be an optimal setting, yet the appearance of everybody on that call was evidence of God and God's love.

There is a line in The Big Chill: "a long time ago we knew each other for a short period of time; you don't know anything about me. It was easy back then. No one had a cushier berth than we did. It's not surprising our friendship could survive that. It's only out there in the real world that it gets tough."  As I contemplate this movie quote, I realized something.  If it wasn't for technology, this quote may have described my relationship with these fellows perfectly.  I doubt I would be as close with some of them as I have become.  I reconnected with many as a result of the internet.  The internet provides a source of communion.

We knew each other well for 2-4 years 37 years ago.  Some of us fell off the map for many years.  Others maintained relationships.  In many cases we've had to renew old friendships.  Even now, sometimes, we struggle to maintain these connections.  Technology has helped us avoid the loss that comes from no longer living together with few responsibilities.  It has, now, helped us lean on each other in times of need and sorrow.  It has provided great benefit at a very unusual and difficult period in everybody's life.

The conference ended with an exchange that summed up how useful the videoconference was in restoring humor and good feeling.
My former roommate:  "Steve, it's been a while, we need to catch up some.  I know when we do, it will be like yesterday."

Steve: "No, not like yesterday.  Yesterday was a crappy day.  We'll make it like the day before yesterday.  That was a pretty good day."