Maggie's Farm

Yo shmucko editor,
Your blog is just one more fascist right-wing Bushitler rant. Shut it down before the government does. You jerks are a bunch of
stupid ----s. Get a job if you can do anything useful which I doubt, or mow somebodys lawn or clean there garage if you can handel that, and shut the ---- up. No one reads you anyway, you ---ing bunch of hatful unAmerican ----s. Plus you sound like ----ing Christian nutjobs. Hey - guess what? - religion is gone - gone - from Amerika. Gone. We are free from that happy horse----. Get real, schmuckos. We do what we want now.
Anonymous, in "northern California"

Dear Loyal Reader,
Whew... well, we do  love getting mail from our readers. It is deeply gratifying to know that decent, socially-appropriate, well-bred, sensitive, tolerant, well-educated folks like you are reading our blog. You are a testament to our gene pool and to our world-class educational system. I am sure you appreciate our poetry selections, and this kind of thoughtful debate on the issues of the day is just what the world needs. Just curious - do you happen to wear a pony-tail? 
Sincerely,
Bird Dog, Schmucko-in-Chief

This excerpted and paraphrased from a rare phone chat with the busy Yankee Farmer, who is a straight-talker and figures he earned the right to say whatever he wants after his winter in Korea, (with all expletives deleted - the LYF hasn't heard about PC yet, and never will):

The LYF is a passionate conservationist, as everyone knows. Meaning stay the --- off my farm. But he is pleased by yesterday's Senate vote permitting drilling in the ANWAR. Pleased because it is a victory of reason over pure emotion, a victory over what Bird Dog terms "sentimental environmentalism." The drilling will harm little. And we Americans love oil - don't try to tell me you don't slurp it up like Evian. He's got a tractor that gets about 2 miles/gallon, and needs a new quart of oil every two hours. Loves oil.

If people really want a pristine ANWAR, first quit your car and your heat and your electric. Second, chase those pesky Eskimos out of there. They don't recycle their beer cans and Canadian Club bottles, they shoot Rudolf in and out of season, harpoon whales for fun, shoot baby polar bears for target practice, eat cute seals when their check is late, and generally scare the wildlife and make a mess. Similar to what the LYF does in Vermont.

And since these poor, smelly, ignorant, pathetic folks are basically homeless - you can't call a snow pile a home or call seal fat food - they should be moved to government housing projects in Anchorage or Detroit, where they could enjoy the dignity this oppressed minority deserves, along with all of the blessings of civilization including 24-hour corner liquor stores, Planned Parenthood, the local Democratic Club, and McDonald's.

Now if you want to make some place pristine, start with Vermont or Massachusetts or Connecticut. Ski condos, houses, asphalt, schools, buildings, and too many obnoxious people. Who needs 'em? Who are these people, anyway? Get 'em out of there. And while you're at it, get rid of the darn Indians too and their filthy, polluting, corrupting casinos. Just leave the damn farms alone.

(As a qualified 1/8th Iroquois,  the LYF is ALLOWED to criticize Indians, but he would say that you immigrants are too scared to, aren't you? You land-stealing immigrants don't want to find an arrow or a stone ax in your chest while you're sleeping, do ya?) 

Dear Editor:

Your blog is kind of fun to read, because of the variety. It's good to have poems plopped in front of me - I read them. It's like college. But your blog seems like an oddball collection. Not entirely normal, I mean, like how come you don't have college basketball discussions.

Sincerely, (anonymous)

Dear Loyal Reader,

1. Why are compliments always followed by a "but"?
2. Oddballs? Every one of us.
3. College basketball? Well, we rarely cover business news. Kudlow does it better.

Sincerely,

Bird Dog

Dear Idiot Fascist Editor,

Your blog is an example of everything that is wrong with our country. It is about time the government began regulating these blogs like yours that are filled with hateful, venomous rage and anti-progressivism. You and your evil hateful types should be strung up and lynched before you destroy our country.

(Signed) Disgusted

Dear Loyal Reader,

Just be patient, "Disgusted." I can tell that you are a very caring, sensitive guy-or-gal. When the Revolution comes, you can string up all of us bourgeoisie on the lamp-posts, in a caring, sensitive manner, to the rousing tune of the Internationale. Like the Nazis did. But remember - We Are Armed.

Best wishes for a lovely, happy, freedom-loving, and prosperous day in our evil country,

Bird Dog

Dear Editor:
This is just one more stupid, extremist, irrational, self-indulgent, self-aggrandizing blog. The world doesn't need any more of these. Quit wasting your time and mine, and get a real job, or find something useful to do. If you have any skills, which I doubt. Can you mow lawns? If not, become a journalist or a politician, ya big jerk.
Sincerely,
Anonymous

Dear Loyal Reader,
Well, we can mow, but rarely in a straight line. We keep slanting to the right. But thanks for the constructive criticism. We can assure you that we will take it to heart.
Sincerely,
Bird Dog

It is tough for me to say anything about The Gates that isn't corny, so I won't say much. New Yorkers are just too hip. They do not dare to be positive about anything (except left-wing politics, which they still think is cool even tho it's antique, but they don't know it yet - they are smart, lively, book-reading people who love ideas, but stuck in the political Stone-Age), so they predictably bitch about this thing. Will post some photos as soon as I can get them to size properly, but photos of course can't capture it. What I will say is that, the minute you step off the sidewalk into the Park, into the 23 miles of saffron-curtained gates, everyone - and there were tons of people of every description and every language on the planet yesterday - slows down. It is remarkable to see New Yorkers walking so slowly and taking pictures, despite the frigid wind. Whatever it is, I suppose I think it is quite wonderful. ("I don't know much about art, but I know what I like.")

Also had time to check out Frederick Church's Parthenon again (a sentimental favorite of mine, despite having been to the Real Thing), plus Washington Crossing the Delaware - forgot how huge this cornball, wonderful work is. And to check out the Washington exhibit - not very interesting.

Our favorite "Gates" photo:

This just in from Vermont:

Gol darn, nothin to read on the  internet tonight. We got Mr. Bush runnin the gummint, so no worry there. Everything is peachy in I-raq.  Miss Condi will have the ---ing Frogs and the Krauts kissin our butts soon, and it's not too long til -----ing mud season. Even good ole Norm is jes fussin about some --- Mayor from someplace or other. Who the --- cares? When things are goin good, the net gets ---ing dull. So dull, think I'll have a ----ing smoke and a snort and check for some new raccoon recipes on the Food Channel site. Or some snappin turtle recipes.

Dear Editor:

This is a classic idiosyncratic Blog. I love reading it.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anon.:

What does "idiosyncratic" mean? Flattery will get you nowhere. You do not win a signed copy of the new book.

Sincerely,

Bird Dog

Yet another - wow - we sure are lucky to have such an active readership:

Hey Bozo:

This blog makes no sense. It is incoherent. Who is the dog?  Who is the owner? Is Bird Dog a dog or a person? Who are these other things or animals or people posting? And I can't tell what is serious and what isn't. Is it supposed to be funny? It isn't. What the heck is it about, anyway? I think you are a big jerk.

(wishes to be anonymous)

Dear Loyal Reader,

Thanks for caring and sharing.

Sincerely,

Bird Dog

Oh no ! More complaints. Trust us, we don't publish all of the highly complimentary material - there just isn't room.

From Sukie S:  Are you aware that "Department of Complaints Department" is an offensive, annoying, and irritating redundancy?

Dear Sukie S:

No, we did not realize that. It was originally Department of Complaints Department Department, but we concluded that made us sound like a larger and more important organization than we truly are. Made us sound like a non-profit, or like a for-profit like IBM or the UN. BTW, do you teach high school English, or are you just an ordinary obnoxious pest?

Sincerely,

Bird Dog

Gee whiz - two days in a row from the LYF. A tad agitated, LYF? The LYF has already fed the chickens and milked the cows, while you lugs were still putting on the snore or bothering the old wife, but he found a moment between bites of his poached (get it?) vension sausage and apple pie breakfast to email a trenchant comment (edited for family reading):

"Well, those -------- ing ------  ------s  like that -------ing Mr. Eason Jordan, and that -----ing Mr. Dan Rather, and the rest of that  ------ing ------ MSM. There's only one use for the -----ing -- Times, and my puppies know what it is. Ayuh. Now goin to fiddle with the ----ing dihydrogenator on that old Ford agin. Ayuh."

With our rapidly swelling readership, we are accumulating some complaints.  First, from "wishes to be anonymous":

1. "Are you aware you have tons of extreme right-wing links?"

Dear Anonymous Reader:

We are unaware of any "right-wing" links. We have a variety of politically centrist, moderate links about which only a crank could complain, along with a large number of useful and important non-political links. If you think these are right-wing, you ain't seen right-wing.  We firmly reject all extremism except in the defense of freedom, or in the protection of our little bowl of kibbles.

Second, from journalist JR:

2. "You need to find your "voice." Your blog is too random".

Dear JR:

No kidding. But with contributors including miscellaneous breeds of dogs, farmers, physicians, etymologists, entomologists, insurance salesmen, college kids, bird-watchers, hunters, idle rich, equity traders, serfs, clergy, southern rebels, Democrats, small children and juvenile adults, moguls, movie stars, Box Turtles, etc. etc., it is tough to find a single "voice."  Don't hold your breath. Anyway, a petty consistency is the hobgoblin of small blogs, so please don't throw out the dishes with the baby-water.