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Tuesday, July 21. 2020

Got daughters?


Williamson: The grotesque American wedding.


Grotesque?  Well, it can be a good excuse to throw a big party.  Not that a big party requires any excuse, but whatever.


In these COVID times, I have not seen many big weddings happening. That is tough on florists. 

Posted by The Barrister in The Culture, "Culture," Pop Culture and Recreation at 16:54 | Comments (14) | Trackbacks (0)

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Hah! I am getting married this Saturday, the guest list is limited due to Covid. But the fundamentals would always have been the same: at home, a dress I have and will use again, jewelry stretching back six generations (okay, that is perhaps unusual but the point is the family connection), no stupid dancing or music, the cake is made by friends, the flowers by the farm across the street, and the toast will be in red solo cups because....the relationship is more important in the eyes of God, in the hearts of the two people, and in the community than anything else. And certainly more important than over the top posing.
So far the total cost including the licence and food for 20 is around 500 bucks.
#1 Anne (Link) on 2020-07-21 20:20 (Reply)
Congratulations! And may you have many happy years together!

We got married 27 years ago. My parents catered the wedding (my mother liked to do such things, and they were both quite good at putting out a spread...) and there are memories that'll last a lifetime. We didn't go heavily in debt - the most expensive thing was the dress and hall rental.

Smartest thing I ever did was asking her to marry me. Dumbest thing she ever did was say 'Yes!', though she wouldn't agree there, lol.
#1.1 JLawson on 2020-07-21 22:44 (Reply)
What an encouraging comment! I have seen so many relationships where The Wedding took over and the importance of the marriage was left in the dust.

I live in a county with dozens of high-end, rustic wedding venues and was despairing that the industrial wedding complex was growing with no signs of slowing down or moderating. I don't wish anything ill for the venues, but if the pandemic panic could just take some of the feverish competition for the most elaborate wedding out of the equation, maybe some sense of balance could return.
#1.2 T Migratorious on 2020-07-22 08:06 (Reply)
Yes, it's an industry, and there's no lower fruit than a bride-to-be. Here in Texas there are a bunch of 'venues' in the country using old farm-to-market rail terminals, barns, fixed-up farmhouses, etc. all 'tastefully' done in Texas kitsch. But not a bad gig for a retiree, weekends busy with bookings, mostly quiet during the week.

We did it up proper for my daughter, and now this weekend we have our niece with a quiet COVID-friendly small ceremony.

But honestly: "Grotesque"? Spare me, snob, and back under your rock. It's my daughter and I'll do as I damn please whether the society page approves or not, whether it's a preacher or Farmer John in overalls. She gets what she wants.
#2 Aggie on 2020-07-21 20:52 (Reply)
Meant to mention, I have another niece that was planning a Fall wedding, but decided to throw in the towel for COVID. Instead - and I am reliably informed this is a trend - they are going for the small immediate family JOP ceremony this year, and on their first anniversary, they are doing the big wedding, proper.
#2.1 Aggie on 2020-07-21 22:55 (Reply)
I enjoyed this article, although I didn't agree with all the author's points--I should get points for being broadminded however.

I have two daughters who when they decided to get married, I made this proposition to them--$50K for a wedding or $50K for whatever you want. I know, I'm blessed to be able to afford that and thank God for that every day.

Daughter #1 went for the wedding and it was a grand party with around 150 folks. All had a great time. Daughter # 2 took the money, had a small JOP ceremony and a first class honeymoon to Hawaii, banked the rest. And, the small dinner party after the JOP ceremony was memorable.

I was happy with both choices.
#3 Michael Bowers (Link) on 2020-07-21 20:53 (Reply)
We hosted a wonderful wedding for our daughter five years ago. It was not a grotesque affair. but, then, we're not Kennedy's (thank God). Designed as an event to celebrate their marriage and get the families together. Success on all objectives. It wasn't cheap, but it was worth every penny.
#4 steve walsh on 2020-07-21 20:54 (Reply)
I'm all for JOP weddings and I'm all for elaborate ones -- as long as they are fun for all involved and no one takes out a loan to finance them. Some people can afford and thoroughly enjoy throwing elaborate parties and I'm happy to attend.

My Mom offered me $5000 to elope -- a huge amount at the time. She was making my wedding dress and already had the shell constructed. She said I had two days to decide, then she was going to start on the lace appliques and all deals were off. Fifty+ years later, I still have the dress and am still in awe of her skill and diligence. My younger sister was also married in that dress. My daughters wanted to wear it, but their shoulders are wider and no one wanted to try to reconstruct it.

However -- and to the point of the article -- no one took out a loan for my, my sister's, or my daughters' weddings. I worked for a 'socialite' who took out a 2nd mortgage to pay for her daughter's very special, expensive wedding. While none of the employees were invited, we sure got to witness the grumbling and complaints about the financial scrambling.
#5 Donna B. on 2020-07-21 22:09 (Reply)
yes, they're grotesque in my eyes. Far too elaborate, blingy, and large.
But to each their own. If you want to mortgage your house before you even buy it to throw a party for hundreds of people you don't even know but feel obliged to invite because they're family of friends of family of friends you've never met and never will meet again except maybe at their wedding extravaganza, feel free. But it's not for me.
#6 JTW on 2020-07-21 22:35 (Reply)
We're traditional Christians: that means a church wedding. Ours, some 52 years ago, was small as we were both living up North and were driving out for same. Belated kudos to our parents for pulling it together.

Fast forward: offsprings are getting married. Again, church weddings. But we gave each offspring $10,000 (plus a bit of extra help), and that was it. Each wedding completely different but both great. Most important: they're still married and the grandbrats are wonderful.
#7 Frances on 2020-07-21 22:56 (Reply)
For Catholics, a wedding outside a church, a Wedding Mass, is not an option. It's a sacrament celebrated with the family (biological and church) and larger community That said, the reception (many in a hall with pot luck foods, a DJ, dancing, and drink) can be relatively affordable. In my wife's family weddings were a reason to get together, have fun, second only to graduation parties and funeral wakes. They're all a celebration of family, community, and joyful gathering.
#8 Mark on 2020-07-21 23:57 (Reply)
My DH's aunt asked if we would like to get married "on the place"? Well sure I said--not knowing any other option. It was a second go for both of us and "the old place" is beautiful. I only asked for one thing. I wanted to be walked down the isle by the wonderful men in the family. I had cowboy escorts! Old time gentlemen. Quiet, dignified, and smiling. I took each arm and was so glad to have them in our lives! It was a wonderful event. Lots of local ranching families. A gentle people, with a gentle way in a lovely day.
#9 Apple Pie on 2020-07-21 23:58 (Reply)
With the success rate so low for marriages now days I don't understand why anyone would spend so much money on a wedding. Have seen friends spend thirty thousand on their daughters wedding only to see them divorced six months later.
#10 JC on 2020-07-22 05:11 (Reply)
The article is spot on. It's about middle class people acting as if they are upper class.

I don't care how people spend their money. But it's the same people who think it's not possible to raise a family on a single income. Why? Because they live beyond the means of a middle class family.

It's a safe bet that the more money spent on a wedding the fewer years the marriage will last. I know people who spent five digits on a wedding who can't afford an unexpected $2000 bill because they are in debt and don't save. But boy, what a night that was!
#11 Jack Walter on 2020-07-22 07:20 (Reply)

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