Let's fix everything today. It should be easy. First, we'll tell the Israelis and the Palestinians and Hezbullah and Syria and Iran and all those stans to knock it off. Lebanon has nice beaches if they're not mined.
Now,let's move on to the domestic front.
Let's fix everything right away. Difficult? For some yes, but I'm exceptional. Make me emperor for a day. I promise to change only one thing. Then I'll turn it back over to the knucklehea...I mean our elected representatives.
Hmm. Change one thing, fix everything.
I've got it. Here's my edict:
No one is allowed to teach school of any kind until they are 65 years old and retired from a career, the military, or childrearing. Period.
Let's see. First of all, the quality of all instruction will improve dramatically. Teachers will no longer just parrot some Chomsky rant they learned two summers ago. They would have had to make a living for forty odd years first, and the only person that can make a living talking like that is Chomsky.
Discipline will improve with crabby old people heading the classes. They're frailer, but mean as hell. Life does that to a person.
We'll end the icky sex between the teachers and the students. Even if the viagra spam gets through the AOL filters to the elderly teachers, they'll be 30 years past getting anybody of schoolage interested. More problems solved.
Children will actually learn things again. When your next bed will be one with a lid, you have a sense of urgency about your approach. Old coots will bang those facts into those dense heads as fast as they can so as not to interrupt their afternoon naps with dolts hanging around after school. They'll all be smart by noon-time.
We'll be able to go back to paying our teachers crappy again. They'll be retired already, hopefully set for life, but in any case they won't have to worry about their Social Security checks bouncing, because the tens of millions of former teachers will be out doing something productive and paying taxes, instead of touring Europe each summer. Or else. Pay those old farts like top shelf Wal*Mart greeters, and let them clout the kids on the ear if they act up--they'll line up in droves to get the job.
They'll be no need for a teacher's union any more, holding children hostage every fall demanding that the curriculum get worse and the school week get shorter or they'll muck up the works. The Democrat party will have to appeal to someone besides Postal Workers, and they'll be forced to straighten themselves out, finally, and start electing JFK over and over again, again.
How many 65 year old communists do you know, that haven't spent their whole lives attending and then teaching school? None. See, I've ended the Marxist weirdness on campus immediately. You'll get sound advice on dressing warmly, even if you live in Phoenix, instead.
The children will learn about life by seeing the constant parade of whippersnapper 65 year old entry level teachers replacing yesterday's teacher whose pacemaker finally gave out. A sense of urgency will enter into all interoffice communications for the same reason.
All gym teachers will dress like Paul "Bear" Bryant or Tom Landry, and simply stand on the sidelines of rectangular playing fields and quietly exhort their charges to kill one another in a gentlemanly or ladylike fashion, just like the good old days.
I want you to think of a number. A really big number. Now double it. OK, now square it. Add a zero. OK, now put a "10" in front of it. Now six more zeroes. BINGO! that's the amount of money we'll save if we don't have to pay into retirement funds for teachers again. We'll spring for the granite markers when they "retire," and keep the other trillion or so.
Gosh, this was easy. We improved the quality of life for children, adults and old coots. We doubled the GDP by dumping all those educated able bodied citizens back into the work force. We got your mother-in-law out of the apartment you had to give her over the garage, for part of the day at least. And for eight blessed hours every weekday there won't be any old men in slouch hats driving forty-five miles an hour in the passing lane on the highway- they'll all be in school. We kept all those hot young teachers from going to jail for sleeping with their fourteen year old students, and put those lovelies out in the work force where we adults can get at them.
Holy cow, you people should make me emperor. How about another idea that good for tomorrow?
No one with legs should be employed as toll booth operators.
And all you need is one arm, left arm inbound side, right arm outbound. What are able bodied persons doing hogging those jobs?
I'm clicking now.
