We are a commune of inquiring, skeptical, politically centrist, capitalist, anglophile, traditionalist New England Yankee humans, humanoids, and animals with many interests beyond and above politics. Each of us has had a high-school education (or GED), but all had ADD so didn't pay attention very well, especially the dogs. Each one of us does "try my best to be just like I am," and none of us enjoys working for others, including for Maggie, from whom we receive neither a nickel nor a dime. Freedom from nags, cranks, government, do-gooders, control-freaks and idiots is all that we ask for.
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I'm no gourmet, and I'm not hip enough to even say I'm a 'foodie'. I dabble in cooking occasionally. I'm somewhat adept at certain types of chicken, and while grilling is supposedly the domain of the more masculine of the species (remember, gender is an attitude now), I'm only passable as a grillmeister. I can follow directions well enough, so if required I am actually capable of whipping up a decent meal from time to time.
My wife has a ton of cookbooks on our shelves, so I'm never at a loss for opportunity or options. She is also a fan of cooking shows, and I've learned to enjoy the dulcet tones of such celebrity chefs as Bobby Flay, Giada de Laurentiis, and Ina Garten. I couldn't really tell you what they actually cook or how they do it, but I know who they are and what they do.
Enough is enough, though. We don't need 200,000,000 cookbooks, we don't need new tools, shows and gadgets to get the best meal. By now, the right way to boil water has been fleshed out, and we should be able to provide sufficiently for ourselves. Shouldn't we?
I'm overwhelmed and awed by the amount of cooking 'stuff' that's going on. It seems that everyone has a cookbook or cooking show these days. It's as if you've become a C-List celebrity and you have to get your cooking show or cookbook out. Everybody who is anybody has one. Which is why I was not surprised to see the following tirade appear in my inbox recently:
After browsing at my neighborhood Barnes and Noble today, I managed to work myself up into one of my patented, self-inflicted, violent stream of annoyance at the incredible, utter shit pile of celebrity cookbooks that are currently fouling the shelves.
WTF?? I thought this trend hit its nadir when that pretentious twit, Gwyneth Paltrow, started her series of new-age, nonsensical, barely-worthy-of-substituting-for-a-diner napkin, so-called cookbooks. Now everyone has suddenly discovered and announced that they, too, have their own entirely unique and authentic recipes that must be published and shared with the starving masses.
I never knew Ziggy Marley had such an extensive culinary background. But then I remembered – WEED!Of course, his Dad would have published a book as well had he not smoked himself a brain tumor. It was no surprise that Eva Longoria, Kathy Lee Gifford, and Oprah Winfrey cooked all their freaking lives and had gastronomic treasures galore to share. The fact that only Oprah could keep her food down long enough to fully digest it shouldn't take away from the other two women.
And yes, Questlove, drummer for the Roots, snuck into the club. I mean, shit, he's fat. He must know something. Even Tom Brady has a cookbook, which is deceivingly advertised as a nutritional training tome.And since it’s F'ing Tom Brady, who - great piece of shit humanitarian that he is - took time out to PERSONALLY write this for the masses, it costs $200. At that price, you'd expect to get to spend a few quality moments of alone time with his supermodel wife.
Why not dead Celebrity cookbooks?James Brown would have loved to publish his take on soul food.Of course, you wouldn’t be able to understand the f'ing thing. but it would be awesome, I’m sure Elizabeth Taylor – the later version, you know, John Belushi-style – would have been able to define comfort food.Comfortable, heavy, artery jamming, aorta destroying, food.And Michael Jackson, well I’m not going to touch that one.But I’m sure Mike would, repeatedly.
It is true. Liz would have a cookbook today, and we'd all have it, because it's Liz. But I don't need more cookbooks, a new way to braise a steak isn't going to help me reach nirvana, and it's not going to help me lose the final 5 pounds I'm seeking to lose. All this focus on food is really just pissing off my friends, and it's starting to piss me off, too. I can appreciate a good meal, and I can appreciate having the tools to put one together. But I don't need another cookbook from an extra on Grey's Anatomy to make that perfect meal I've been waiting for. Cookbooks are like cable television. You might have 500 channels, but you can only watch one at a time, and there's nothing good on anyway.
I know - I don't have to buy them. I get it. I'm not buying them. But there is a point of food overkill, and I think we've reached it.
Forgive the quality of the video. It's the best I could find for a comedy classic.
