We are a commune of inquiring, skeptical, politically centrist, capitalist, anglophile, traditionalist New England Yankee humans, humanoids, and animals with many interests beyond and above politics. Each of us has had a high-school education (or GED), but all had ADD so didn't pay attention very well, especially the dogs. Each one of us does "try my best to be just like I am," and none of us enjoys working for others, including for Maggie, from whom we receive neither a nickel nor a dime. Freedom from nags, cranks, government, do-gooders, control-freaks and idiots is all that we ask for.
Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
Q . Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
More of these quips below the fold -
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him .
Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
"responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now."
Spontaneous? Really? You don't remember the bru-hah-ha when Charles Nelson Reilly spilled the beans?
I don't remember exactly when it was, or on what show (Johnny Carson maybe?); but, he did mention that they were "prompted" to give certain answers such as "For your third question - just answer X and you'll get a big laugh." Even though they weren't told what the question would be they were sometimes given answers.
If my memory serves me correctly, this was sometime in the late 1970s that he said this. While it may have given away one of the show's secrets; it didn't spoil the fun.
It wouldn't surprise me that a lot if not all of these were scripted. Weren't Bob Hope's 40 minute monologues scripted for the most part?
At the same time, a lot of comics can create on the spot. I suspect that Groucho Marx was one of those, given the incessant cracks he made on You Bet Your Life. I have read that one reason his wives divorced him was that he treated his time at the house the same as he did his time on the stage or set- as an opportunity to perform.
Yes, Bob Hope's monologues were scripted; in fact, it sort of ruined it for me when I learned that he had an old stand by in case a joke didn't work:
"My wife told me that joke wouldn't work; (nice pause) and I see you agree with her."
Once I learned that he had that as a ready quip in case a joke fell flat, I say it sort of ruined it for me; but, he knew when to use it and had great timing in delivering it; which still makes him one of the great funny men.