Maggie's Farm

We are a commune of inquiring, skeptical, politically centrist, capitalist, anglophile, traditionalist New England Yankee humans, humanoids, and animals with many interests beyond and above politics. Each of us has had a high-school education (or GED), but all had ADD so didn't pay attention very well, especially the dogs. Each one of us does "try my best to be just like I am," and none of us enjoys working for others, including for Maggie, from whom we receive neither a nickel nor a dime. Freedom from nags, cranks, government, do-gooders, control-freaks and idiots is all that we ask for.

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Monday, June 8. 2015

I want to change my body too: It's the First 2015 Maggie's Springtime Scientifical Survey

Re the Monty Python "Call me Loretta" posted below, I want to change my body too. I want to be 3" taller, I want 25 lbs. of truly disgusting daddy-fat gone, I want perfect teeth, I want 3" in length and 1" in girth added to my pepperoni, I want to be able to bench 200 lbs. And I want to be 20 years younger and handsomer too with a powerful chin and a bigger nose. (Secret fantasy: I really want to be black and to be an NBA star, but I do not want to over-ask.)


So is that too much to ask for? Am I mentally-disordered? Is it Body Integrity Disorder? Do I need government to fix me? Or is the only thing that is ok now for guys to desire is to be castrated into eunuchs?


What do you readers want to make yourself feel just right?


Posted by The Barrister in Hot News & Misc. Short Subjects at 14:46 | Comments (14) | Trackbacks (0)

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Are you willing to be the star of your own reality series as you search for your true identity? If so, I will give Kardashian Productions a call today. They need as many revenue streams coming as possible.
#1 Jim on 2015-06-08 14:54 (Reply)
But Barrister, you can have all that, but you would be just another narcissistic man in a mid-life crisis. Now if you wanted to be a woman... That would be something to be admired!
#2 mudbug on 2015-06-08 16:03 (Reply)
... and paid for with tax dollars.
#2.1 mudbug on 2015-06-08 19:52 (Reply)
My somewhat-aging and portly dentist told me this morning that he wanted to be a 21 year-old beautiful blond gal so he could get all the sex he ever wanted. I said "garble garble Why are you telling me this?" He is a character indeed. Cute blond assistant finds our utterly non-pc repartee highly amusing. Hard to articulate with a mouthful of nasty instruments.
#3 Bird Dog on 2015-06-08 16:20 (Reply)
You left out anal bleaching.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3114937/Top-cosmetic-doctor-warns-risky-new-trend-genital-filler-jabs.html
#4 Mystery Meat on 2015-06-08 16:29 (Reply)
I'm not sure you have a mental disorder, but if you do, I'm sure I'm obligated to send you a check to cover all the surgery.
#5 Texan99 on 2015-06-08 16:48 (Reply)
"What do you readers want to make you right?"

Never to hear anything ever again about transgender anything.
#6 JJM on 2015-06-08 17:01 (Reply)
Or gays. Or anything to do with anyone's sex life.
#6.1 Mark on 2015-06-08 21:43 (Reply)
What would make me right? Everyone in the mainstream media to join Bruce/ Caitlin at the surgery clinic. Oh wait they have already been gelded. I don't know , maybe the next time she ties one on, Mrs. Clinton could take a long walk off a short pier.
#7 bill on 2015-06-08 17:39 (Reply)
Fact
#8 Donny "The Bear Jew" Donowitz on 2015-06-08 18:11 (Reply)
Extra pepperoni would be OK.
#9 GG on 2015-06-08 20:11 (Reply)
First: fugettabout the pepperoni, the extra height, the youthfulness and handsomer; and being black.

Get: on a diet, and the weights.

See: a dentist and a rhino-doc.

Everybody wants to be thinner and stronger and prettier. You are NORMAL! Oh, yeah, everybody wants a little bigger package.

Doc can fix that chin as well.

How much do you want to spend?

Remember the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

If you will just change the things that you can change, the other stuff will just fall by the wayside.

And, remember, "it don't come easy."

Don't take a knife to your genitalia. That's some sick shit.

Lose the adipose tissue and get your chest 10" bigger than your 32"-36" waist. Then you can strut, as long as you can smile without showing your teeth.
#10 tennesseered on 2015-06-09 09:27 (Reply)
I wasted my youth, so just want another go at it. Too much to ask?
#11 Herbert badgery on 2015-06-09 13:47 (Reply)
Sam's Brain Surgery will extract your brain for a tune-up and a high-shine wax job for only....
#12 Sam L. on 2015-06-09 14:04 (Reply)

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