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Thursday, February 17. 2011

Are manners all about social signaling? I don't think so. I find bad manners to be an aversive stimulus, and poor table manners cause me to lose my appetite. To term that a "signal" is to stretch the definition. Once a society agrees on manners, unmannerly behavior becomes offensive.

It's not rocket science. The basics, for kids:

Take your elbows off the table.
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Don't pick up a fork until everyone is seated and the hostess picks up her fork.
Eat slowly, and converse during meals.
Look people in the eye when you speak to them.
Avoid talking about yourself: Assume that only relatives and close friends care.
Say "Please" and "Thank you," and say "How do you do?" when introduced to elders.
Give a firm handshake.
Write your thank-you notes in a timely fashion.

Posted by The Barrister in Our Essays, The Culture, "Culture," Pop Culture and Recreation at 12:04 | Comments (12) | Trackbacks (0)

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A clever child taught me that I really meant "Don't talk with food in your mouth." rather than "Don't talk with your mouth full."

#1 Michael R. Kesti on 2011-02-17 13:20 (Reply)

If it is rude for one to speak with food in one's mouth then why isn't it rude to address someone who is chewing their food?

Someone could break all your rules in my presence without offending me, Barrister. I guess I am just too easy going.

However, sneezing and coughing all over food is very unappetizing. That I have a problem with.

#2 feeblemind on 2011-02-17 13:47 (Reply)

Damn straight.

Manners are important.

#3 Tom Francis on 2011-02-17 14:01 (Reply)

Dear Mr Barrister,
Thank you so much for the very thoughtful and enlightening post on the subject of manners. With your kind permission, I will print out your list and discuss it with all the little children of my acquaintance. I shall of course attribute the source, and thereby bring the barrister profession into high repute with the younger generation.
Warmest regards, Grace Browner

#4 Grace Browner on 2011-02-17 14:05 (Reply)

"Snapping" was a major offense in my house. But is anyone else aware of this term, or was I the only one priveliged enough to be tortured with it?

#5 Big___Al on 2011-02-17 15:23 (Reply)

When people try to blame technology I always try to point out the rule of thumb -- what were the rules before the technology?

Example: Phones at the dinner table was considered rude well before the existence of cell phones.

#6 lordsomber (Link) on 2011-02-17 18:04 (Reply)

Those are the basics, B, and will get you through a lot of dinners. My favorite, drilled into me by Mom was, "Anticipate the needs of others at the table." Frinstince, someone asks you to pass the basket of rolls, wouldn't it make sense to send the butter along, too? Or, even better, if you see the person doesn't have bread and butter yet, ask them if they would like some? Good post.

Steve

#7 steve in CT on 2011-02-17 19:03 (Reply)

Thank you notes. A lost art. We write thank you notes. Gratitude is important. My children know how to write a good thank you note and I'm convinced that one day, that skill may open some important door for them.

#8 weaver (Link) on 2011-02-17 21:39 (Reply)

As Steve in CT says, it is all about others. If feeblemind doesn't mind breaches of The Barrister's simple rules, how does he feel about belching loudly at a dinner table? That is tolerated, nay expected, in some other cultural systems. But here? How about farting? Here or there?

Manners is about making the meal, or any social interaction, as pleasant and engaging for other people as possible.

Sophistication is the art of understanding the expectations and standards of others and conforming insofar as possible within the requirements of one's own standards. Belch. Don't expose the soles of your feet. Whatever it takes -- but within your standards.

Hey, feeblemind, don't thank people for gifts; just don't expect any in the future. Talk, heck shout, with a mouthful of pizza - that doesn't offend you. Do you think others like seeing that partially chewed pizza?

However, it isn't about you -- it's about others, and how it affects them. Do you care?

Sorry for the rant, BD, it's late.......
.

#9 Gwynne on 2011-02-17 21:41 (Reply)

LOL!

Re Thank you notes. Mom made me do it but it ended when I left home. Men don't send thank you notes. That is the wife's job and I am not married. As for gifts, it hasn't stopped them from coming. It may come as a shock to you but one gives gifts from the heart. If you are giving gifts with the expectation of a thank you note you are giving gifts for the wrong reason.

Saying please pass this or that at the table annoys the heck out of me. It always happens as I am about to take a bite of food. So I put my fork down and and pass the item and before I can take another bite someone wants something else. Doggone it, just reach for what you want. That way my food doesn't get cold.

As for the release of the digestive gasses, doesn't bother me. One of my cattle pens is 100 feet from the house so I probably wouldn't notice anyway.

I eat because it is necessary. Not for sport. That explains the difference in our attitudes.

I can use manners if I have to, it just makes eating a whole lot less enjoyable.

#9.1 feeblemind on 2011-02-19 13:22 (Reply)

Summat like this then?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjZSQ8l6B0Y

#10 SCOTTtheBADGER on 2011-02-18 04:43 (Reply)

All good ones taught to us by Mom, but one more was, "make sure your shoes are polished"...and we did and still do.

#11 Not your typical New Yorker on 2011-02-18 09:31 (Reply)

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Thursday, February 17. 2011

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