Maggie's Farm

Dear Editor:
This is just one more stupid, extremist, irrational, self-indulgent, self-aggrandizing blog. The world doesn't need any more of these. Quit wasting your time and mine, and get a real job, or find something useful to do. If you have any skills, which I doubt. Can you mow lawns? If not, become a journalist or a politician, ya big jerk.
Sincerely,
Anonymous

Dear Loyal Reader,
Well, we can mow, but rarely in a straight line. We keep slanting to the right. But thanks for the constructive criticism. We can assure you that we will take it to heart.
Sincerely,
Bird Dog

It is tough for me to say anything about The Gates that isn't corny, so I won't say much. New Yorkers are just too hip. They do not dare to be positive about anything (except left-wing politics, which they still think is cool even tho it's antique, but they don't know it yet - they are smart, lively, book-reading people who love ideas, but stuck in the political Stone-Age), so they predictably bitch about this thing. Will post some photos as soon as I can get them to size properly, but photos of course can't capture it. What I will say is that, the minute you step off the sidewalk into the Park, into the 23 miles of saffron-curtained gates, everyone - and there were tons of people of every description and every language on the planet yesterday - slows down. It is remarkable to see New Yorkers walking so slowly and taking pictures, despite the frigid wind. Whatever it is, I suppose I think it is quite wonderful. ("I don't know much about art, but I know what I like.")

Also had time to check out Frederick Church's Parthenon again (a sentimental favorite of mine, despite having been to the Real Thing), plus Washington Crossing the Delaware - forgot how huge this cornball, wonderful work is. And to check out the Washington exhibit - not very interesting.

Our favorite "Gates" photo:

This just in from Vermont:

Gol darn, nothin to read on the  internet tonight. We got Mr. Bush runnin the gummint, so no worry there. Everything is peachy in I-raq.  Miss Condi will have the ---ing Frogs and the Krauts kissin our butts soon, and it's not too long til -----ing mud season. Even good ole Norm is jes fussin about some --- Mayor from someplace or other. Who the --- cares? When things are goin good, the net gets ---ing dull. So dull, think I'll have a ----ing smoke and a snort and check for some new raccoon recipes on the Food Channel site. Or some snappin turtle recipes.

Dear Editor:

This is a classic idiosyncratic Blog. I love reading it.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anon.:

What does "idiosyncratic" mean? Flattery will get you nowhere. You do not win a signed copy of the new book.

Sincerely,

Bird Dog

Yet another - wow - we sure are lucky to have such an active readership:

Hey Bozo:

This blog makes no sense. It is incoherent. Who is the dog?  Who is the owner? Is Bird Dog a dog or a person? Who are these other things or animals or people posting? And I can't tell what is serious and what isn't. Is it supposed to be funny? It isn't. What the heck is it about, anyway? I think you are a big jerk.

(wishes to be anonymous)

Dear Loyal Reader,

Thanks for caring and sharing.

Sincerely,

Bird Dog

Oh no ! More complaints. Trust us, we don't publish all of the highly complimentary material - there just isn't room.

From Sukie S:  Are you aware that "Department of Complaints Department" is an offensive, annoying, and irritating redundancy?

Dear Sukie S:

No, we did not realize that. It was originally Department of Complaints Department Department, but we concluded that made us sound like a larger and more important organization than we truly are. Made us sound like a non-profit, or like a for-profit like IBM or the UN. BTW, do you teach high school English, or are you just an ordinary obnoxious pest?

Sincerely,

Bird Dog

Gee whiz - two days in a row from the LYF. A tad agitated, LYF? The LYF has already fed the chickens and milked the cows, while you lugs were still putting on the snore or bothering the old wife, but he found a moment between bites of his poached (get it?) vension sausage and apple pie breakfast to email a trenchant comment (edited for family reading):

"Well, those -------- ing ------  ------s  like that -------ing Mr. Eason Jordan, and that -----ing Mr. Dan Rather, and the rest of that  ------ing ------ MSM. There's only one use for the -----ing -- Times, and my puppies know what it is. Ayuh. Now goin to fiddle with the ----ing dihydrogenator on that old Ford agin. Ayuh."

With our rapidly swelling readership, we are accumulating some complaints.  First, from "wishes to be anonymous":

1. "Are you aware you have tons of extreme right-wing links?"

Dear Anonymous Reader:

We are unaware of any "right-wing" links. We have a variety of politically centrist, moderate links about which only a crank could complain, along with a large number of useful and important non-political links. If you think these are right-wing, you ain't seen right-wing.  We firmly reject all extremism except in the defense of freedom, or in the protection of our little bowl of kibbles.

Second, from journalist JR:

2. "You need to find your "voice." Your blog is too random".

Dear JR:

No kidding. But with contributors including miscellaneous breeds of dogs, farmers, physicians, etymologists, entomologists, insurance salesmen, college kids, bird-watchers, hunters, idle rich, equity traders, serfs, clergy, southern rebels, Democrats, small children and juvenile adults, moguls, movie stars, Box Turtles, etc. etc., it is tough to find a single "voice."  Don't hold your breath. Anyway, a petty consistency is the hobgoblin of small blogs, so please don't throw out the dishes with the baby-water.