Maggie's Farm

With the end of humankind (and of our beloved planet itself) rapidly approaching unless we do something immediately if not sooner, Maggie's Farm has decided to quit talking about the crisis and to start acting. We are taking action in ways that go beyond the virtuous posturing and tokenism (we call it "Lightbulbing") that we see on other websites.

Here are the things we are doing to make a difference:

1. As of today, we have discontinued the popular print edition of Maggie's Farm. Henceforth, Maggie's will only be available online. (If you are reading this in our final print edition, double-click here on the page with your index finger.) This change will save countless acres of pristine virgin forests and and eliminate CO2 production from our fleet of gas-guzzling delivery vehicles, such as this one:

2. See our site's background color? It's a new shade of Green. This will inspire all of our readers to Go Green! Let's start a trend for other sites to switch to an

Earth-Friendly Green!

3. We are going nuclear. Because of the new availability of yellowcake uranium from Saddam's stash, we are in the process of installing a small, air-cooled homemade reactor in the basement to provide all our our power needs. If it works, we'll soon be off the grid!

4. Trees are a major source of CO2 pollution. Therefore we will invite loggers to clear-cut another 30 acres of the farm's property, converting it to fields on which we will grow corn for Ethanol. I see $$$ in going green this way. Your tax dollars by the bushel, flowing to Maggie's Farm! Money is Green!

5. International travel, with its polluting airplanes and ships, is a big problem (except for those necessary trips by people spreading the word about global catastrophe). We are determined that, in the future, any second international recreational trip we take in one year will be by sail:

6. "Cork me." Cow farts are a major threat to the planet with their warmening gasses. Our patented and trademarked "CowCork" wil be used on our entire herd of cattle.

7. Farm nudity. We have decided to go nude on the farm this summer. This both strikes a blow against Big Clothing corporations and their exploitative sweatshops and their extortionist prices, while reducing the fossil fuel consumption required in clothing production and transportation. Take Off Those Overalls and Save the Earth!

8. Green beer. It's not just for St. Patrick's Day anymore. We will commit to drinking green beer daily, if not hourly.

9. Clean vehicle fuel. Because we have heard so much about how engines can run on water (a fact which a conspiracy between Bush-Cheney and Big Oil is concealing from us), all of our trucks and tractors will be run on water - beginning today. Water is a cheap, clean-burning fuel, and there is lots of it out there going to waste, monotonously and pointlessly lapping against the shore. Fill 'er up!