Over the transom. This spoof of my profession is making the email rounds in Shrinklandia:
We of the psychotherapeutic and medical professions feel kindly and respectful towards our clients/patients, and genuinely care about their well-being. Occasionally, however, we will have an impatient or non-therapeutic thought, because we are human, not machines.
These are often best kept to ourselves, of course, but sometimes such thoughts help lead us towards useful comments - when presented constructively. Here are a few client comments (CC) and the unspoken responses (UR) accumulated over the years:
CC: Do you think I should follow my heart?
UR: Yes, I think leaving your wife and kids and running off with the 18 year-old Swedish au pair is an excellent life plan.
CC: Do you really think I should stop drinking this much?
UR: Definitely not. You should keep doing this until your life is ruined and your liver shrinks down to the size of a pea.
CC: My husband is never interested in sex. What should I do?
UR: You should go to a bar, get drunk, pick up a stranger, go to a motel and have a fun night out.
CC: My boss is a total asshole who doesn't appreciate my work, and I don't know what to do about it.
UR: Most bosses are assholes - until you're the boss.
CC: It's just not fair.
UR: Are you one day old? You look older.
CC: My job totally sucks.
UR: Consider welfare.
CC: My problem today is that I don't always get along with my Mom.
UR: Duh.
CC: My marriage stinks because my wife/husband is an impossible jerk.
UR: And everybody in jail is innocent, too.
CC: I think it's because I was fat and unpopular and unathletic in high school.
UR: Get over it.
CC: My husband complains that I waste too much of the money he makes.
UR: You do.
CC: I don't fit into normal society. I think I'm just too creative and unconventional.
UR: If you say so, Picasso.
CC: I'm a deeply spiritual person, but I just can't relate to organized religion.
UR: OK, Messiah. You speak, and I'll write everything down.
CC: My parents were too harsh and punitive with me.
UR: From what you've told me about yourself, they had every reason to be.
CC: If only somebody would give me the chance, I could show what I can really do.
UR: The Chance Distributor only comes by every third Wednesday nowadays. Blame Bush.
CC: Nobody really understands me.
UR: Do you give them any reason to want to?
CC: I don't test well.
UR: And you aren't too swift, either. But you are a very nice person, and that's what counts.
CC: I saw on Oprah that it might help me to get in touch with my inner child.
UR: You need to "get in touch with" your inner adult.
CC: My husband keeps saying I'm self-centered, self-indulgent, and immature.
UR: He is too tactful.
CC: Dad was never around or available, always working.
UR: You would be a far happier person if he had been a bum, sitting around the house shooting farts into the sofa.
CC: I always feel as if I've done something wrong.
UR: Go wash your hands again, Lady MacBeth.
CC: My problem is that I always underestimate myself.
UR: I'll be the judge of that.
CC: I think it's about time I finally got my act together.
UR: Why not wait 'til next year?
CC: I am a very intuitive person.
UR: Meaning you never think or plan?
CC: Sometimes I feel like everybody deliberately avoids me and snubs me.
UR: Try a deodorant.
CC: I think maybe we should move somewhere else, where life is simpler. We might be happier.
UR: Hey - the grass is always greener...
CC: My insurance won't pay your full fee.
UR: I can refer you to a doctor in Cuba, if you wish.
