Maggie's Farm

We are a commune of inquiring, skeptical, politically centrist, capitalist, anglophile, traditionalist New England Yankee humans, humanoids, and animals with many interests beyond and above politics. Each of us has had a high-school education (or GED), but all had ADD so didn't pay attention very well, especially the dogs. Each one of us does "try my best to be just like I am," and none of us enjoys working for others, including for Maggie, from whom we receive neither a nickel nor a dime. Freedom from nags, cranks, government, do-gooders, control-freaks and idiots is all that we ask for.

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Tuesday, May 13. 2008

What terrible things does Global Cooling cause?

With a decade of cooling behind us and more decades coming up, your Editor has decided that it's about time to assemble a list of the catastrophic consequences of Global Cooling.

I'll get you started, but I need additions in the comments. We care, and we can make a difference just by spreading awareness of this crisis!!!

Problems Attributed to the Global Cooling Crisis

Rise in food prices due to reduced crop production and shorter growing seasons, leading to worldwide famine and mass starvation

Destruction of citrus, avocado, mango, pepper and tomato crops

Increase in road accidents due to ice and snow

Icebergs closing northern ports and northern trade routes

Polar bear, Reindeer, Musk Ox and Eskimo infestations of residential neighborhoods (see photo)

Increase incidence of the common cold, flu, etc: the elderly, children and minorities at greatest risk
Increases in broken bones and cancer as people stay indoors and do not get their natural Vit D from the sun
Increase in fatal heart attacks due to snow shoveling

Rises in oil prices due to increased need for imported oil for heating and for 4 WD vehicles

Damages bathing suit industry and destroys sun-block business
Fertility rates drop as females don unsexy parkas

Stormy weather: nor'easters, blizzards, Perfect Storms, etc.

Sea levels fall drastically, destroying marshes, beaches, and coral reefs - and threaten to reconnect Britain with the Continent

Divorce - More family conflict due to lengthened ice-fishing season - or from spending too much time together indoors

Disrupts migration patterns of birds and fish - animals die and become extinct!

Increased Canadian illegal immigration to FL and AZ
Moscow, Toronto, Oslo, London, Sydney, and Boston will be buried under mile-thick glaciers by 2012

Nobody to do the work Americans don't want to do as Mexicans flee back to Mexico
Northern Europeans migrate en masse to the Middle East, bringing cultural dislocation and conflict
Australians invade S. Africa to escape glaciers
Trees killed by the trillions as climate cools, forests disappear and are replaced by tundra. Atmospheric oxygen levels drop: children and minorities at greatest risk.

Help us out in the comments - anything you offer will be officially "Attributed to Global Cooling"

Posted by Bird Dog in Our Essays, Politics at 12:05 | Comments (26) | Trackback (1)

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Freeman Dyson on "global warming"
Our readers know that we are in favor of global warming, (and fear the current cooling phase) but doubt that we will get any good warming other than the usual warm summers. As quoted from Freeman Dyson at Reason:Environmentalism has replaced socialism as
Weblog: Maggie's Farm
Tracked: May 27, 18:14

Comments
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#1- McCain/Gore 2008. (or maybe Nader, he hasn't decided yet)
#2- The polar jet moves south and causes waves of tornados as you see recently
#3- Polar bears and seals starve because of very thick ice
#4- Earth's mantle gets jealous and ends the world in 2008 with volcanos and earthquakes
#1 Phil on 2008-05-13 12:19 (Reply)
Red states become blue as New Englanders move south. Polar bear meat becomes the steak eaters staple. Whisky sales rise. Speed skating replaces baseball.
#2 Tom C on 2008-05-13 12:23 (Reply)
OK here goes:
Rush to buy shares in plumbing companies as frozen, burst pipes become endemic.
Al Gore becomes unbelievable & unemployed. Goes on welfare.
US football & European soccer matches have to be staged in heated indoor stadiums.
Snowmobiles become an essential means of travel in many parts of the US but, the greens buy huskies.
Ice cream sales crash in Florida.
#3 Mr Leatherhead (Link) on 2008-05-13 12:31 (Reply)
Tow trucks are the new hot business. Along with thermal blankets to use while waiting for a tow truck.

The red states becoming blue is probably true! Think it could be happening some right now.

Come on BD. Lets have some more. Think you were just warming up.
#4 Patina on 2008-05-13 12:45 (Reply)
Scientists propose giant magnifiers in space to warm the atmosphere.
#5 BD on 2008-05-13 13:02 (Reply)
Hmm. Point the beam at Lake Ontario. It is a giant heat sink. That could work. Or not. Might just cause 40 feet of lake effect snow to become 80 feet of lake effect snow. People would flee the City of Buffalo, again.
#5.1 Patina on 2008-05-13 14:02 (Reply)
Welfare system and Federal Universal Health Care (brought to you by the same people who fear AGW) collapse under burden of all the unemployed global warming "science" advocates.

Swedish second language training become mandatory in NY and CA due to high number of illegal Swedes in country. Cambridge MA declares itself a Swedish Sanctuary City, but none come, as it is too cold.
#6 Jerub-Baal (Link) on 2008-05-13 13:34 (Reply)
Oops, forgot a big one...

... China with its millions of unmarriageable young men decides to invade Russia for its oil fields. Army reaches border, checks temperature, decides against it and goes home. China proceeds to build thousands of nuclear power stations, providing continued focus for activity of the "Green Lobby."
#7 Jerub-Baal (Link) on 2008-05-13 13:44 (Reply)
It forces you to eat your ice cream cone faster than you might like if you go outside with it.

Your slushy turns watery too fast.

It forces you to change your undies more than twice a month if your a Democrat.

In Florida however it's not the heat, it's the ______.

A. mosquitoes
B. humidity
C. string back bikinis
D. counting hanging chads
E. makes the American Flag body paint drip off the buxom broad too fast

If you said B you are correct, come on down ! !
#8 Habu on 2008-05-13 14:03 (Reply)
And the Global Warmingists proclaim that all the changes prove their models' accuracy.
#9 obladioblada on 2008-05-13 14:03 (Reply)
Cap and Trade discussions on Ice

Algore has a new PowerPoint show that blames big oil.

IPCC has a new reversed hockey stick graph

Global Cooling deniers will be denied tenure and lose jobs

Woolly Mammoths will be listed as an endangered species
#10 Tralfaz on 2008-05-13 14:28 (Reply)
Now if global cooling would cause the illegal aliens to flee back to Mexico and points south, I for one would be thrilled, since Houston currently has [according to the NBC local news] 38,000 illegal alien felons whom the authorities seem to be having trouble rounding up. I could tell the authorities where they are, if they would listen. They are right here in my neighborhood tearing up all of the streets, supposedly to install new storm sewer lines. None of these operators of earthmoving equipment speak English, so you can't ask them questions, or tell them to go away, because they won't listen. At least I have my house gun, as a last resort.

I envy you guys in the frozen north. You only have snow to deal with.

Marianne
#11 Marianne Matthews on 2008-05-13 15:26 (Reply)
The cost of SUV's will soar as Green activists try in vain to raise global temperatures by increasing greenhouse gases in the atmosphere.

Legislation will be enacted to outlaw the shutting-off of your car engine in newly created idling zones.

Whale blubber will replace lobster as the most sought after seafood in New England.

The manufacturers of Damart and Thinsulate will become the corporate giants of the 21st century.

Igloos will replace bungalows as a regular feature on Maggie’s Farm.

Penguins will become the number one cause of highway accidents on Route 95 between Georgia and Florida.

Nanook will become the number one name for male children born in the South West United States.

9-1-1 services throughout the South will be swamped with calls reporting tongues frozen to metal objects.

Higher body fat content will become the most reliable indicator of improved life expectancy.

Plus size models take over the modeling industry.

There will be an increased mortality rate among elderly associated with decreasing temperatures is offset by a baby boom triggered by couples seeking indoor recreational activities.

Sales of the game Twister will skyrocket as people seeking new indoor recreational activities find creative outlets in the game.

The baby accessory industry will experience explosive growth as the global cooling generation is christened.

The sales of refrigerators and air-conditioners will plummet, causing a massive shake-up in the home appliance industry.

Outdoor thermometers will be redesigned to no longer register any higher than 30 degrees.

A remnant of the Global Warming community will remain, calling all who question the orthodoxy of Global Warming deniers.
#12 Jephnol (Link) on 2008-05-13 16:40 (Reply)
deserts turn green, vinyards sprout up, terrorists quit bombing but start blockading caravans begging for spare change to buy Ripple. caravans business slows down causing price of frankensence and myrrh to skyrocket. Saudi ranchers go out of business as freezing oilfield workers smoke all the camels.
#13 buddy larsen on 2008-05-13 17:10 (Reply)
Short-Tailed Shrew may be threatened by advancing ice sheet.
Earthworms may dig down deeper, disturbing tectonic plates.
#14 BD on 2008-05-13 18:31 (Reply)
Maple syrup production moves to Florida and the Caribbean
#15 BD on 2008-05-13 20:01 (Reply)
Can you make rum from maple syrup?
#15.1 Jephnol (Link) on 2008-05-13 22:28 (Reply)
Baseball season shortened to 140 games so playoffs and World Series end before the first snowfall in October.
#16 joated (Link) on 2008-05-13 20:21 (Reply)
bee's knees freeze at local pollination station
#17 buddy larsen on 2008-05-14 00:51 (Reply)
look here for a big list http://www.numberwatch.co.uk/warmlist.htm
#18 haddock (Link) on 2008-05-14 04:11 (Reply)
Curling replaces little league and soccer as the sport of choice
#19 kevin on 2008-05-14 11:56 (Reply)
Prince Charles no longer wears Scottish kilts when walking around his estates.

Beverly Hills and Malibu mansions go up for sale, ecocelebrities lose millions.

The UN moves its headquarters to Rio de Janeiro and is promptly taken hostage in a military coup, and/or eaten by hordes of hungry street children.
#20 RebeccaH on 2008-05-14 12:26 (Reply)
Trees killed by the trillions as climate cools, lowering CO2 production and thus contributing to a vicious cycle of cooling


HUH?
#21 rufus on 2008-05-14 13:24 (Reply)
rufus wakes up from nap, glances at thread, gasps, types, then runs outside to see the trillions of dead trees
#21.1 buddy larsen on 2008-05-14 18:29 (Reply)
Woops. I had a brain fart.
#21.2 BD on 2008-05-15 09:58 (Reply)
This generation of human beings, like the thousands of previous generations, will yearn for global warming.
#22 Dan on 2008-05-15 11:39 (Reply)

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