Maggie's Farm

We are a commune of inquiring, skeptical, politically centrist, capitalist, anglophile, traditionalist New England Yankee humans, humanoids, and animals with many interests beyond and above politics. Each of us has had a high-school education (or GED), but all had ADD so didn't pay attention very well, especially the dogs. Each one of us does "try my best to be just like I am," and none of us enjoys working for others, including for Maggie, from whom we receive neither a nickel nor a dime. Freedom from nags, cranks, government, do-gooders, control-freaks and idiots is all that we ask for.

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Much Sorry with Delays
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Monday, July 9. 2007

Ask Dr. Bliss!

A new weekly feature at Maggie's Farm! Ask Dr. Bliss!

Dr. Bliss can tell you how to be happy, healthy and wise. She knows the Meaning of Life, the Purpose of Existence, the True Nature of God, whether human relationships are worth the bother, which of your sexual and violent fantasies are sick and which are wholesome, how to please a man, what your mother really thought about you, and where to find the best prices for Manolos.

Photo: Our Dr. Joy Bliss in a pensive moment, contemplating the mind-brain problem, the mysteries of counter-counter-transference, and wondering what shoes to wear tomorrow.

(Yes, it's a friendly spoof of our blog friend Dr. Helen, who has begun an Ask Dr. Helen feature at Pajamas Media - an excellent  idea, and we are chagrined that we did not think of it first.)

Editor's Note: Check the comments. Wiseacres abound around here.

Posted by Bird Dog in Our Essays, Psychology, and Dr. Bliss, The Culture, "Culture," Pop Culture and Recreation at 07:37 | Comments (38) | Trackbacks (0)

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Nice..... Oh to be a young lad again.
#1 Horn Dog on 2007-07-09 09:01 (Reply)
Dear Dr Bliss, I have a theory that 'procrastination' is a Milton's Lucifer-like denial of God's universe--specifically the existence of 'time'. I've been meaning to flesh this out....
#2 Anonymous on 2007-07-09 10:12 (Reply)
Dear Dr. Bliss,
In the 1970's former Black Panther Eldridge Cleaver (no relation to the Beaver) got in touch with his creative design side and designed mens pants with external penis sleeves.
(I believe this was the inspiration for Devos later hit song,"Whip It, Whip It Good").

Here is my question. My wife and I are going to a 70's party Saturday night. I'd like to make a good showing. Should I take two Cialis and hope for the four hour erection, or just stuff those little styrafoam packing peanuts inside? Or would a jelly do due?

Gracias,

El pequeño gallo rojo & Tijo Tijo
#3 Tijo Tijo on 2007-07-09 11:05 (Reply)
Dear Dr. Bliss,

My husband has run off with a beautiful young blonde waitress at the Big Boy burger place. I am 66, a little o9verweight and wrinkley and tired all the time and like to watch tv and maybe some bingo, but my husband is vigrous and wants to live.

How can I get him back?
#4 Anonymous on 2007-07-09 11:22 (Reply)
Does Dr. Bliss make house calls
#5 J.C. Loophole on 2007-07-09 11:27 (Reply)
Dear Dr. Bliss

I've just finished my 3rd reading of "The Porpoise-Driven Life" but I still don't have a leg to stand on. Can you give me a hand?
#6 Flipper on 2007-07-09 11:54 (Reply)
Perhaps the good doctor would like to go in halfsies on a very important public service I'd like to offer.

I'm going to open a halfway house for girls that won't go all the way.

signed,
anxious in sicily
#7 roger de hauteville on 2007-07-09 13:07 (Reply)
Oh, I know Sicily well. Many's the time I've bumped my head on it, on midnight swims between the Tyrrhenian Sea and the Nile Delta.
#8 Flipper on 2007-07-09 13:28 (Reply)
"...wondering what shoes to wear tomorrow."

Just wear the ones you have on, Dr. Bliss. Just wear the ones you have on.

Your Faithful Patient,
Jephnol

PS: See you tomorrow.
#9 Jephnol (Link) on 2007-07-09 13:32 (Reply)
Dr Bliss,

I am an older gentleman but clean and well put-together and in decent shape. My problem is going to the supermarket. It is so filled with delicious and charming young moms, all shapely and trim, dressed in short shorts and other appealing summer garb that it is a serious distraction. Or, I should say, a serious frustration. I doubt they even notice me, while I notice every detail, revealed and covered, of their bodies, movements, and facial expressions.

It got so bad today that I ended up buying a box of Special K cereal when I wanted a box of Uncle Sam's cereal.

Is there anything I can do to deal with these desires, which seem as strong as they were when I was 40?
#10 Distracted in Boise on 2007-07-09 14:02 (Reply)
Dear Doctor:

I'm in a bind; please help.

I wrote a letter to the editor of the newspaper, in which I mentioned I like to go to the zoo to see the camel's hump, but I forgot to put an apostrophe in "camel's" and now I have to register at the police station every time I move.

signed,
anxious in Sicily
#11 roger de hauteville on 2007-07-09 14:06 (Reply)
Dear Dr. Bliss,
My psychiatrist in Washington says I am suffering from Chronic Existential Angst. I cannot excape the thought that I am just a meaningless tiny blog of goo sitting on a rock that is uselessly rocketing through a cold, uncaring space-time thingamabob. I am not depressed, but I just don't see the point to anything.

Is there any point in my trying to change my attitude, or should I just wait for the nature of reality to change?
#12 Anonymous (Link) on 2007-07-09 15:27 (Reply)
Vigilanza, Signor Hauteville. Nostro occhio!
#13 Sergeant Alessandro, Divisione Animale Molestare on 2007-07-09 15:35 (Reply)
I do not care for Manolo. I only wear Stuart Weitzman. Your ask the doctor thing is therefore of no interest to me.
#14 Not a shoe fetishist on 2007-07-09 15:45 (Reply)
Doctor:

About Manolos and shoes in general. I cannot wear any shoes, even in the summer, that expose my big toes. My big toes look just like giant pointing penises, and it is a source of great embarassment to me because I am a femine girl.

Do you think I should have my toes fixed?
#15 Emily on 2007-07-09 16:05 (Reply)
Just wondering... do you need bigger shoes in the mornings when you just wake up?
#15.1 Alphonso Johnson on 2007-07-09 16:19 (Reply)
Emily, try showing them a picture of Hillary.
#16 buddy larsen on 2007-07-09 16:14 (Reply)
Oh my God! You know, I just tried that in lieu of a cold shower, and by Zeus, it works.
#16.1 Jephnol (Link) on 2007-07-09 18:45 (Reply)
When I was a child, my parents moved often. I always found them, but still.
#17 buddy larsen on 2007-07-09 16:22 (Reply)
Dr. Bliss,
When I was a lad I served a term as office boy in an attorney's firm,
I cleaned the windows and I shined the floors and I polished up the handle on the big front door....
Now, after several more verses, I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navy.

Why is it the Queen's Navy?
#18 Habu & Sullivan on 2007-07-09 16:47 (Reply)
Dear Doctor,

Every time I pass near a Maple Tree, I feel compelled to say outloud "Good Day, Mr. Maple." I have no idea why. It makes me look like Elwood P. Dowd. Otherwise, people say I am fairly normal.

Am I OK, or am I losing it?
#19 Am I OK? on 2007-07-09 17:28 (Reply)
what about the people who say you're fairly normal? Are they deciduous too?
#20 buddy larsen on 2007-07-09 17:51 (Reply)
Once when i was a teen, I called this gal, and she said it was a good time to come on over, nobody was home.

So I went on over, and nobody was home.
#21 buddy larsen on 2007-07-09 17:59 (Reply)
Many years ago I killed my Pop and married my Mom. Life is good, our kids are wonderful, the Theban economy is booming with minimal inflation, but I have terrifying nightmares.

Do you think I might have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?
#22 Oedipus Rex on 2007-07-09 18:01 (Reply)
Dr. Bliss ...very apropos for this ..it's time has come

If marijuana were legalized, regulated and taxed at the rates applied to alcohol and tobacco, revenues would reach about $6.2 billion annually, according to an open letter signed by 500 economists who urged President Bush and other public officials to debate marijuana prohibition. Among those economists were three Nobel Prize winners, including the late Milton Friedman of Stanford's Hoover Institution.

Friedman and others were acting in response to a 2005 report on the budgetary implications of marijuana prohibition by Jeffrey Miron, visiting professor of economics at Harvard. By Miron's estimate, regulating marijuana would save about $7.7 billion annually in government prohibition enforcement -- $2.4 billion at the federal level and $5.3 billion at the state and local levels

http://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2007/07/bogarting_sanity_in_the_mariju.html
#23 Habu on 2007-07-09 18:23 (Reply)
The fact that legalizing pot would raise a ton of tax revenue is the best argument I have heard to NOT do it.
#23.1 BD on 2007-07-09 18:32 (Reply)
I quit pot many years ago. The paranoia was more reality than I could handle.
#23.2 Art C. on 2007-07-09 19:32 (Reply)
Reality is for people who can't cope with drugs
#24 buddy larsen on 2007-07-09 19:50 (Reply)
All of this reminds me of a spoof from years ago, when Dear Abby ran the world.

It was "Dear Abie" and the questions were things like Can I ride in an ambulance on the Shabbat? and How do I stop my potato latkes from sticking to the pan?
#25 BD on 2007-07-09 20:44 (Reply)
I have this like, well, really weird habit, and I never told anyone, doctor. This is very private and personal, a thing I do every night which is sort of sexual in nature but not really the ordinary kind of thing. This is like confidential, right? Or can other people read this? If this gets on internets and Goggle well maybe I better not say it.
#26 Melanie on 2007-07-09 20:58 (Reply)
oH pLEasE d0n'T stoP
#27 eLwIN thE DRoOler on 2007-07-09 21:13 (Reply)
Dear Doctor; long-time listener, first-time caller.

Speaking as a professional, would you consider me less of a deep thinker because I favor shallow graves?

I'll hang up and listen to your answer.

Anxious in Sicily
#28 roger de hauteville on 2007-07-09 21:15 (Reply)
Dear Dr. Bliss,

I am interested in pursuing the Presidency of the United States. I believe that I have what it takes, but most of the feedback that I am getting is that I am too normal, too perfect, too articulate, too smart, too accomplished, too flawless.

Do I have a disease of some sort? And would it disqualify me?

Thank you in advance for your reply.
#29 Mitt the Romnoid on 2007-07-09 21:20 (Reply)
Bliss, if you know what's good for you, you'll tell that no-good son of a @#$^% dirty lousy *&%#&@ Mitt NOT to run against me!
#30 Sen. Hilllary Clinton on 2007-07-09 21:38 (Reply)
Dear Doctor-

The lovely Mrs. Hauteville -- a very sensible woman I'm sure you'd agree-- anyway, where was I? Oh yes; when nursing her cubs, she likes to smoke Monte Cristos to keep the flies off their eyes.

The problem is like this: Ever since I read the Starr Report, I cannot take a whiff of the lovely smoke rings she blows, which heretofore brought me great pleasure, without getting the sensation that I'm smelling the nether regions of a manatee. It's very disconcerting.

I visited our internist and fill dirt supplier, but everything he had in the cupboard was of the suppository type, and I hate the taste; so I went to my seer and psychiatry-talking-guy, Doctor Gassalasca Jape, who examined the bumps on my head and advised me that the only way to conquer this demon was to finally pull the lever for a democrat for the first burgess of this fine republic.

The problem that arose is obvious to a great mind like yourself, no doubt; in the last two elections, the Democrats have run cigar store Indians as their candidates, and that has only served to redouble my anxiety, and has driven my poor lady wife to smoking hemp instead of her beloved number 5s. The milk she supplies confuses the children.

And now it has come to this! I have been instructed to pull the lever for the Democrat, and in this election go-round, she is likely to be a manatee.

So here's my question: Is it alright to serve red wine with chicken?

regards,
anxious in Sicily
#31 roger de hauteville on 2007-07-09 22:08 (Reply)
Suppositories are useless. Why, you might as well stick 'em up your butt for all the good they do.
#32 Anonymous on 2007-07-09 22:42 (Reply)
Roger d'H: With a spicy or barbecued chicken preparation, a Pinot Noir or Syrah would be fine, as would a Chianti or Bardolino with a full-flavored Italian dish such as pollo alla marsala.
#33 Martin Palmer on 2007-07-09 23:57 (Reply)
Dr. Bliss,
The only way I can get laid is to lie to women or pay them. Am I pathetic?
#34 Eric Oldson on 2007-07-18 03:44 (Reply)

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