Maggie's Farm

Re: napping while your toddlers sleep. Maybe you did, but I hope your wife didn't also or you would be right to consider her a neglectful mother. It's okay for one parent to be loosey goosey as long as the other is careful and can see the kid at all times. At least up to the age of five and older if there is a pool nearby.

On the other hand, my own mother would doubtless have been hauled away in irons by Social Services nowadays: from the time that I was four year old, she would turn me outdoors alone on our Pennsylvania farm and tell me not to come back until dark. I would happily hang out with the 18 beagles in the old chicken house/kennel, curl up with the ponies, try to trap snapping turtles and walk the mile up the road to see my friend Billy. I must have had a guardian angel watching over me as the snapping turtle only bit the bucket I tried to get him into, the nest of yellow jackets stung my sister not me, and the farmer across the street only shot our dogs as they ran thru his corn, never me...I didn't drown in the pond, having been taught to swim by the supportive WASP traditional method of being thrown off the pier while grownups laughed thru their G & Ts "If you're a duffer you'll drown". I got ferociously sunburned, caught wicked cases of poison ivy, had scars all over me from thorns, but got to escape a wacked mother so was better off outdoors. However, I do not recommend my own upbringing to loving parents today.

I never hired a babysitter when my own kids were toddlers or infants, because of stories like the one you linked to. Even a parent may be neglectful, but usually they are more motivated to be careful than a ditzy teenager doing it for the money. Babies who cannot yet climb out of their crib are safer than a toddler who can walk three miles with less sense than a kitten...

In my neighborhood, we watch the "different" babysitters and nannies wheeling their charges out into traffic, testing to see if it stops for the carriage before they venture out themselves. They wouldn't do that with their own flesh and blood. I wonder what is in the head of a woman who puts her kid at risk to play tennis? Or have her hair highlighted? Time enough to be frivolous and idle and vain when the kids are in school all day.

And, yes, I do pride myself that tho I have had to work full time to feed my kids, they have never been left with sitters or put in day care. Cared for at home by parents who dote on them.

Remember that story about those poor feckless Brit parents who went on vacation and left their toddlers asleep alone in the hotel? One got kidnapped.

You cannot leave kids of a certain age alone or untended.

I don't believe in a nanny state, just responsible parenting.

And kids are too precious to be neglected.

I don't think that Dr. Helen has kids yet and that is why she was so neutral about the case. In fact she sounds so cantankerous at times that I think she may still be looking fruitlessly for Mr. Right.

Then again, what do I know! Despite the current loathsome press about the burden of child care and the stress of mothering, I was never happier than when nursing and looking after my babies and small children. Women who don't enjoy it should stop at one child. And it is not a lot of work looking after kids. A job is far harder and less rewarding.

BD, a hardworking father's prerogative! I used to run the littl
e bunnies ragged so they never went wandering at night. So, in theory, I cd have slept. But there were about six or so years straight when I was nursing somebody every 2 hrs, 24/7. Husband loved my breastfeeding as it let him sleep straight thru. I was a tad brain dead, but a happy mom.high on nursing hormones! Everyone won.

Different now when one kid is going off the deep end, and I am still the one staying up half the night making sure he is safe. Community based care of severely mentally ill kids is better for the kids but wears down the parents. Hard to work all day after being up til
3am w an agitated kid. Certain people aren't much helped by medical care and drugs....

All those British nursemaids can't be wrong!

Hogarth did some nice illustrations of it...or were his of laudanum as wel?l?

BL, BD actually cheers me up. I just rant and rave about good parenting because I am so frantic trying to keep my kid safe as he decompensates, as the great shrink term has it.

The link to Dr. Helen that it referred to vanished...it was a piece on somebody suing a babysitter who fell asleep on the job, and the 2 kids ran off and drowned. Struck a nerve, but I shouldn't have been so judgmental about other parents. I think that the more one worries about one's own parenting deficiencies, the quicker one is to point to those of other people!

LS,, you sound like a good daddy. We can't keep them in the nest forever or they won't learn how to fly.

I was a very adventurous, laissez faire mom with my first two puppies so long as they were in my sight. I became something of a worry wort with the next puppy who turned out to have horrific problems (disability). It is still a mental shift now being around parents of typical kids. We still have to look at a room or a garden and childproof it despite his being an adolescent.

BL, LS, thanks for what you wrpte. One needs to be encouraged repeatedly...I have usually expected what some say is "too much" from my kid. Just lately, as he's hit adolescence, things have been so tough for him and us. He is of high intelligence, but this actually makes things harder emotionally. He is aware of how he does not fit in and afraid that he will never be able to work or have normal relationships.

I freak out when people look askance at his weird mannerisms, tics, and wince at his eccentric mumbling and obsessive talking at people about whatever he is interested in. People who know him, love him, but he is weird on first acquaintance . It is heartwrenching as his mother worrying how people will react to him and he to them.

So long as I remind myself that he is beloved by God, and remind him of that, we are okay.

Agree, Patina! In ancient China you only paid your doctor when you were healthy.

Sweet story,Phoenix. Thank you.

Re: Dr. Helen, I stand corrected. I was on a tear... Maybe some day when I grow up I will not jump to snarky conclusions! I enjoy much that she writes, agree with her most of the time especially about PC stuff condoning bad behavior. But I do tend to get irritated by some of her pronouncements at times. Particularly about child rearing. Kind of a know it all, who never reveals her own failings and experience, which is why I jumped to the conclusion that she had no personal knowledge of what she spoke about! She, like Gagdad Bob, is one of those people I enjoy reading but wouldn't bother posting comments to, as they would be ignored or put down. There is a certain type of smart shrink who ignores or discounts anyone who criticises them (especially if they do some from the perspective of patient or relative of patient).

Parents and teachers, on the other hand, really know their kids and tend to be more matter of fact about their own strengths and weakness. As I read your loving account, Phoenix, I was reminded of a recent Memorial Day parade where I walked thru our town with our kids and we kept bumping into their former teachers (who greeted them fondly and vice versa) and I saw my former students and the same thing happened.

In another context, I worked with abused and disabled kids professionally before I married and had kids. I must confess that before then I thought I knew a lot more about kids than now! I thought that if you were a good enough parent your kids would never get depressed, go mad, or misbehave...Ah! The hubris of youth! The only thing I am slightly better at now is setting aside my own wishes for their sake (this may have been God smacking me upside my face more than parenthood? a few really good lectures and sermons from people wiser than myself finally hitting home?)