We are a commune of inquiring, skeptical, politically centrist, capitalist, anglophile, traditionalist New England Yankee humans, humanoids, and animals with many interests beyond and above politics. Each of us has had a high-school education (or GED), but all had ADD so didn't pay attention very well, especially the dogs. Each one of us does "try my best to be just like I am," and none of us enjoys working for others, including for Maggie, from whom we receive neither a nickel nor a dime. Freedom from nags, cranks, government, do-gooders, control-freaks and idiots is all that we ask for.
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Sunday, November 22. 2009
This is an annual re-post:
You go around the table or car until someone gets stuck. Then they are "out," just like the great game of dodge-ball. You will be surprised by how long it can continue. It goes like this:
My first job was in an orange juice factory, but I couldn't concentrate.
I worked as a lumberjack but I couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. (a 3 pointer)
After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but this was exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef, but didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker but any way I sliced it, I just couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was as a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to be a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
I became a fisherman, but couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to find work with a pool company, but the work was too draining.
So then I got a job with a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
My last job was at Starbucks, but it was the same old grind.
Eventually, I got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.
I tried being a house painter, but it didn't stick.
So I tried to be a urologist, but I couldn't get the hang of it.
Then I tried being a cosmologist, but it was all too much for me.
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I tried to be a carpenter, but I got hammered on the job.
I tried to be a lifeguard, but I was all wet.
I tried to be a pastry chef, but there wasn't enough dough.
(Oh, man, these are bad.)
I tried to be a sculptor, but I didn't fit the mold.
I tried to be a missionary, but the cannibals enjoyed me too much.
I tried to sell real estate, but the land just lay there.
- You did say that the corny meter is off, right?
I tried selling antiques, but it got old.
I tried being a shrink, but Id got the best of me.
Once worked at a window-shade factory--pulled down about 300 a week.
Tried working in the non-profit field--but, I needed to make an income.
Tried to work in a funeral home, but they told me I was a stiff.
I tried to be a model, but they said I was a poseur.
Once these games get into your head, they won't leave your mind alone:
I tried to be a Holy Imam, but my Shiites stunk.
I tried to drive a train, but I couldn't make the grade.
I tried being a magician, but the career burst all of my illusions.
Started a slogan service once, but could only come up with "Always Have a Slogan".
went to dental school, but couldn't sink my teeth into it
tried to be a taxidermist, but i got too stuffed
I tried to be cement finisher but it was too hard.
So I tried to be a lumber salesman but I got board.
"Who stole my camera?" cried Tom, bellowing and howelling.
Don't open a Midas Muffler franchise. Try Goodyear instead--it's tiring, but not exhausting.
I tried polishing marble, but I didn't take a shine to it.
I tried selling used cars, but it rattled me.
I tried playing heavy metal, but I got bad feedback.
I tried being a cowboy, but it threw me for a loop.
I tried being a bartender, but, after one day, I was trashed.
want to open a tailor shop, to make the third piece for three piece suits. Need investors.
Tried to be a butcher, but the ladies wouldn't eat my meat. (sorry, Bird Dog)
I wanted to be one of Santa’s elves, but my qualifications came up short.
Got a job as a toymaker, but they expected me to get all dolled up.
Tried being a Christmas lighting contractor, but I was too much of a dim bulb.
I worked as a shopping mall Ms. Claus, but my skirt would Krinkle.
Thought about selling candy, but it mint I had to sell kisses.
I tried gift-wrapping packages at the store, but couldn’t paper over other people’s mistakes.
Got a job in a Christmas tree lot, but pined too much fir more upstanding work.
I almost opened a branch office, Buddy, but didn’t want to go out on a limb.
So, I tried Christmas caroling door-to-door, but everybody asked for a Silent Night.
Ha! You guys are good.
I tried being a ski instructor but it was all downhill.
So I tried being a janitor because I thought I would clean up.
ha ha--if we keep this up, we'll be charged with battery-
I tried going into the glove business, but I was all thumbs.
I tried managing a Brooks Brothers, but I could never get the store properly prepped.
I tried being an electrician. I had the spark, but my boss shorted me.
I tried being a dentist, but it wasn't ful-filling.
Worked in a tuna factory on the West Coast, but I got canned.
Tried to be a jockey, but I couldn't get on top of it.
Tried to be a balloonist, but that business fell flat.
Tried being The Tall Man at Coney Island, but my legs didn't reach the ground.
Took a second job trading arbitrage, but got spread too thin. So I moved to the Convertibles desk, and ended up with nothing but a rusted out '78 Mustang. So I decided to get away from Wall Street, and do some animal trading for zoos, but every one of my deals had hair on them.
Wanted to bake holiday pastries, but that dream was flaky, pie-in-the-sky.
So I tried designing Krismus cards, but nobody seems to understand the meaning of it, anymore.
Almost got a job at the North Pole, FELT ON TOP OF THE WORLD!!!, but they found out I was bi-polar :( :( :(
Wanted to take care of Santa’s reindeer, but heard one of them was Rude-off and on.
I decked the halls and hung stockings with care, but drew the line at striking the chorus and stringing up angels.
I understand. I'm always reluctant to don that gay apparel.
Tried being a lion-tamer but, after one day, I was whipped.
Tried being a boy toy for a rich lady, but it was so fatiquing I just couldn't keep it up.
I entered a dry-cleaning training program, but I washed out.
Wanted to be an optomotrist in Romania, but I knew all the people on the eye chart.
I tried being an embedded journalist but I forgot to report for duty.
I tried being an author but they threw the book at me.
eye chart--looks like Romanian names. I did an awkward twist on that old joke about the Romanian visiting America, who decides to have his eyes checked whilst here. The doc asks him if he can read the chart, and he answers "Read it? I know those people!"
I tried shoveling horse manure for a living, but I stunk at it.
I tried fishing, but there was no net gain.
Then I became an undertaker, but got buried in my work.
Now I am in politics, but it is not what I elected to do.
I wanted to be a realtor, but I was fired when a woman came into the office and I pulled down my pants and asked her:
"Is this a lot?"
problem was, she was interested in residential, not commercial
after having discovered the biting truth of gumming indentured banality.
I wrote too much in cyber space and became a naughtrealitynaut. Such is blahh-ging life and luv o'er th ethernet, and righter writers need knot apply.
got fired from starbucks--they said i was stirring up trouble
I tried to be a lieutenant of infantry, but after they rifled my gear they wouldn't give me a shot and barred me from consideration.
I tried to be a fire chief, but they said I'd never climb the ladder.
I tried to get into mining, instead I got the shaft.
I tried to be a race car driver but I got tired.
I tried to be a fascist thug but I turned right at the light.
I wanted to be a lumberjack, but the work had me stumped.
I went to work at a lingerie shop, but they gave me the pink slip.
I tried being a locksmith, but I just couldn't get keyed in.
So I applied to work at a supermarket, but the job got shelved.
I thought I might succeed as a garbageman, but it was all just a big waste.
Eventually I wound up in an art gallery, but I had to draw the line after they kept asking me to brush up: it wasn't a pretty picture.
I tried to be a professional golfer, but I just didn't have enough drive.
I tried to be a schoolteacher, but I failed the test.
I thought I could be a computer geek but I just couldn't hack it.
I used to be a surgeon, but I couldn't cut it.
I downgraded to a general practitioner, but I did not have enough patients.
I gave up the medical field altogether and tried fishing, until the skipper gave me the hook.
I landed a job on a demolition team, and that was a blast, for a while... until I blew it.
I eventually came to the realization that this whole career thing wasn't working for me.
I now do the university lecture circuit masquerading as a physicist because I really need the time and space to get my act together.
Ugh, did everyone just whip out their archive of Boy's Life magazines? (or was that Highlights that had this as a running feature?)
Tried to be an architect but my plans got cancelled.
Tried to be a miner but I did not dig it.
Tried to be an artist's model but it didn't sit well with me: the poses were too drawn out.
Tried to be a clay mixer but got fired when I put the company dog in the (ahem) pug mill.
I tried to be an appraiser but my values got in the way.
I thought about becoming an environmentalist but could never really warm up to it.
wanted to work in the department store, but the shoe just wouldn't fit ...