Maggie's Farm

Death is often terrible, pain, agony, a long wait for the end. Worse for your loved ones who watch over you. Unbelievably difficult, draining, emotional watching the torture day after day. Interestingly I discovered less than a week ago (after the death of a close friend suffering terrible pain) that the hospital isn't allowed to give you enough pain medication to stop the pain. This is because of that famous and mostly bogus lawsuit over opioids (Oxycodone). The lawyers got rich but the doctors got chastised and new rules prevent them from stopping the pain. But the "good" news is that when they send you home to die the rules allow the hospice nurse to give you as much pain medicine as you need. Why?

Anyway, when death is a release from terrible suffering it may seem to be your friend but it is still death. The body often wastes away such that when you hold your loved one or help them sit up or move it feels like you are literally touching a skeleton; skin and bones. Sometimes I have seen this terrible way to die take a week to 10 days. Other times I have seen it take months. Months of medically induced semi-awareness, still experiencing pain, unable to eat or drink. shitting and urinating on themselves. It is impossible to paint a true picture as your mind refuses to bring back those memories.

My father died in the hospital with tubes down his throat and nose. Seemingly unconscious, but I could hold his hand and tell him I was there and he would squeeze my hand. Hardly a great memory but I hold onto it. My wife's father died at home she stayed with him for three months and he needed a fentanyl patch to stand the pain. Almost paralyzed, couldn't stand, couldn't function, awake but made little sense. Finally just stopped breathing at 2:00 AM one night.

I have another friend laying on her couch, wasting away, some pain but the fentanyl keeps it at bay. Her husband, also 80 YO, looks 100 YO losing sleep, worrying, suffering with her. This has been going on for a couple of months. Based on her weight loss and emaciated appearance she hasn't got much longer.

I live in a 55 plus community, I am 82, I have cancer, I've had a stroke, I am seeing an oncologist, a cardiologist, a neurologist, hematologist and a Dermatologist. Right now I'm wearing a heart monitor and carry around the associated recorder, I call it my little friend. I've had 4 MRI's and one Nuclear test (sorry the name of it escapes me) in the last 2 months. My fear is for my wife to have to see me go through the long suffering until death does indeed appear to be my friend...