At a news conference late last night following a special meeting of Democrat Party leaders, the Dems announced "We are sort-of Communists."
The eagerly-awaited announcement came as a relief to the nation's Democrats, who have longed for the day when they could come out of the closet and begin to explain their goals and ideals clearly, instead of pussy-footing around and hemming and hawing.
"The time of bourgeois "Progressive" incrementalism is past," they asserted in a prepared statement, which highlighted proposals for free housing, an end to taxation, free medical care, free food, 100% employment, an environmentally-advanced outlook, free TV, unlimited sex for all without committment, World Peace, and no homework, among other items certain to please all voters, and not just those attracted to modern, advanced, scientist- and social-scientist- approved ideas.
"We hereby generously vow to sacrifice our time and effort to secure Happiness and Freedom from Worry for the little people." they stated, "whether they want it or not," adding "We are willing to bear the burden for them - nay, we are determined to bear the burden and the burden of thinking for them - and nothing will get in our way. That shows how much WE CARE."
"We're tired of pretending. After 70 years of careful preparation, we believe the country is finally ready to deal with the truth. There is no need for us to play games anymore. If we can send a man to the moon, we can meet our peoples' needs here at home. It is time for us to stand up for Happiness Now - Equal Happiness for All the Workers and Little People in 1898 1914 1937 1956 1965 1973 2006."
When asked what had brought the Party to this point, a spokesman stated:
"Our leaders were frankly exhausted by answering questions about how much taxes they really wanted, and about how much government control over life and business they really wanted, and how much they deeply care for and want to help people, and especially the children. They decided that it was time to play it straight, and I am confident that the voters will welcome our proposals. If not, we will have to consider all and any necessary means to ensure true and equal happiness for all. It is time to make Comrade Jefferson's dream a reality."
"We aren't "totalitarian," he said, "That is an ugly and vicious slur on our intentions. We are TotaliCAREian. Give us a chance to show the people how much we Totally Care." He added "We caringly and compassionately totally care about every tiny detail of your life, so we want to know about it."
Their 2006 Campaign press release, which has been over two generations in preparation, is titled "A Manifesto for the Future" and subtitled "A New Brave New World Deal for America." It appears to offer something for everyone. Major sections excerpted below:
NO TAXES!!! No more complicated tax forms, and no more scary IRS!!! How can we do this? Trying to regulate businesses is too slow and too difficult. We'll just take them all over, and they will work for The Good of All instead of the wealthy few!!! We are tired of trying raise tax rates. We'll take all of the money!!! It is simpler for government - and for you - for your government to own everything, instead of collecting taxes. Plus you won't need money anymore!!!
FREE MEDICAL CARE!!! Free medical attention will be available in our special government Happy Health Control Centers, with euthanasia cheerfully and painlessly prescribed for those who feel "really sick as shit," by our buxom People's Paradise Express Hostesses. And for you gals: Free required abortion for all!!! (but depending on genetic analysis and Government Health Dept. scientifically-determined population and genetic needs.) Free treatment of disease based on modern, advanced and Scientific Cost-Benefit Analysis!!!
DEEPLY SATISFYING WORK FOR ALL!!! No more money worries or job worries. We'll take care of it. We will find work for you to do!!! All will work and will have deeply personally satisfying work for the good of all!!!- 100% employment, when and where we decide best. This will give the people the Human Dignity they want, and all will feel like part of the beautiful village. No-one will be too disabled for the Human Dignity of Deeply Satisfying Work, and even old age will no longer deprive you of that Deep Satisfaction (until you are no longer useful).
NO MORE MONEY WORRIES!!! Since the government will run the businesses, you won't need any money!!! All of your needs will be met by a loving, caring government whose experts know what is best for your happiness in life, based on Modern Scientific Psychological Studies. No more envy, no more antiquated and fatiguing ambition, no more disappointment and depression - and no more bills!!!
FREE HOUSING FOR ALL, NO HOUSEWORK - AND FREE TV!!! Everyone will have their own personal, comfortable, temperature-regulated "Happy Cube" with a Free Wide Screen Government TV with FREE Government Stations just for you, to keep you entertained and happy in your Free Government cube - including 24/hr/day Psychologist-designed scientific PORN!!! And with expert psychologist-sexologist performers!!! And there will be co-ed Happy-Hygiene Units on every floor!!! Plus no more housework!!! You won't own a house to bother with!!!
NO HOMEWORK!!!! You don't need no education. (Our Expert Trainers will prepare you efficiently for the work for which are are best suited, as scientifically-determined.) We have already eliminated most of the "hard stuff," from education, but why bother with any confusing ideas and math and history dates and all of that difficult nonsense that gets in the way of happiness and TV and much-needed relaxation (unless the government determines that you have a needed aptitude). There will be no need to continue to strain your brain!!! We will worry about things for you!!! No complicated information to make people unhappy. We will let you know what you need to know to make a good adjustment and to be happy. No books - who needs those boring old things and their old-fashioned ideas? Everyone would rather just relax!!! Government TV is more fun and more relaxing, and less confusing. No news - we will worry about that for you! Why worry your brain? You work hard - take it EASY!
NO DIRTY DIAPERS AND SCREAMING BRATS!!! Children will have all of their needs met in special cheerful and psychologist-designed government Child Full-Service Development Centers, so all Bio-Moms will be free for the deeply satisfying Work Satisfaction they have sought for so long. No more dirty diapers and no more screaming brats. Government Growth Adjustment Expert Specialists will handle all of the problems, and take care of them for you from the day they are born, including orthodontia (if cost-effective) and including Science Diet Kiddie-Kibbles. You did your part, Bio-Moms. Now we'll do the rest!!!
NO ANNOYING SUNDAY MORNING CHURCH!!! You can sleep in every Sunday Morning, but you might be lucky enough to have an important deeply satisfying job for the good of all on Sunday morning. You won't need a confusing, inscrutable god - we'll be your god, but unlike the old god, we will give you everything you really need and want - for free. We care about you more than that obsolete, demanding, no-fun god did. And all religious disagreements will be solved!!! For fun on Sunday, try our Government Scientific 6-hole Happy People Miniature Golf Courses, or our Happy Bowler 10-foot bowling alleys, where everyone is a winner!!! Or just stay in your Happy Cube and watch TV in peace!!! We can give you Heaven - today!!!
FREE SEX FOR ALL WITHOUT COMMITTMENT!!! You may think you have that already, but we will take it to another level for you. Marriage is obsolete. Who really wants to put up with that boring, aging spouse and those predictable, dull bedroom habits? No more marriage, which means no more marital problems!!! Bring anyone you want to your personal and private sleeping cubicle in your Free Government Housing Home Sweet Home Happy Cube!! Sex for the little people and workers should be no more of a big deal than going to the bathroom: we've suffered enough bourgeois sentimentality. We will stand up firmly for Scientific Sexual Health and Hygiene.
WE'LL BE GREEN!!! No more cars!!! No-one will need cars except for Government Authorities and the Happy Thought Police forces. Everyone's Free Government Housing Home Sweet Home Happy Cube will be within healthy walking or biking distance - based on scientific calculations - of their assigned deeply satisfying job. That is what we are willing to do for The Environment!!! And your Free Government Bio-degradable Clothing will be specially designed for your outdoor needs, produced by happy workers with environmental values in their manufacture. And, because we will be Green, there will be No More Bad Weather!!!
FREE HEALTH!!! There will be no smoking, no alcohol, and no meat! These things will be reserved to console your over-stressed and sacrificial Leaders. Thus everyone will have free health, along with our expert-designed tofu-based diets and the daily exercise programs which will be required, for your convenience and health, at your deeply satisfying workplace. Those with genetic disorders will, as is rational, spare the people from the burden of their children. In this way, we will achieve a healthy, happy nation. One day's use of Soma or marijuana will be issued to workers at the end of each workday, to ensure happiness, a positive attitude, self-esteem, and a peaceful spirit. And, if you get sick, you just go to one of our Happy Health Control Centers, where you can peacefully unburden Society of your problem!!! No more guilt!!! And free sanitary crematorial services!
FREE FOOD!!! Since you won't need money, our Government Free Food Happy Pantries will offer free food for all, with special expert nutritionist-designed, organic-like balanced diets designed for your particular needs and work!!! No more worries about what to fix for supper. We'll worry about it for you, with your health and happiness in mind!!! It will be meat-free, poison-free, fat-free healthy nutritional substances, which will please our wonderful progressive vegans!!! Just add water to your scientifically freeze-dried and dehydrated tofu Lovely Health Treat!!!
WORLD PEACE!!! Not to worry. We'll figure it all out, because We Love World Peace. World Peace is just Great!!! You can just be happy and we can do the thinking for you. If war is needed to create peace, our Swedish and Swiss mercenaries will take care of it for you. And you won't even need to know!!!
