Maggie's Farm

Coins last longer than bills, y'see.  Less re-minting means less energy expended and a longer, happier life for our planet as a result.

Gosh, any fool could have figured that out.  If you didn't, then you're not just any fool!

Here's the article, and we quickly note there are just a few eensy little problems with this otherwise brilliant plan:

— There isn't a vending machine or arcade game or slot machine or toll booth or coin changer or coin counter in the galaxy that can handle them.  And this isn't just a  matter of tinkering with the machine to accommodate some slight variation.  Since we're actually adding a coin, the entire guts would have to be replaced, and in the case of coin counters and the like, that's the whole damn machine.

— Although it seems like a small thing, when it comes to actually getting them into circulation and getting people to use them, the lack of a place for them in the cash register drawer is a huge obstacle.  You certainly aren't going to mix them in with the other coins or you won't be able to just grab the customer's change by feel.  They'll end up in the little 'extra' slot along with the checks, which means they won't be handed back out as change to the customers and it's bye-bye 'into circulation.'

— By measurement, they're approximately 1/16" larger than a quarter, or almost the same size.  People who actually have to deal with lots of coins in a fast-paced environment are just gonna love these things.  Look for industry suicide rates to rise sharply.

— Then there's the sheer inanity of keeping 20's, 10's and 5's in your wallet or billfold but somehow 1's are supposed to be treated differently?  At the risk of the obvious pun, people just won't buy it.  It cuts across the grain of common sense.  You're trying to convince people that '1' is a fraction; that it belongs with those other 'less than one' items, i.e., coins.  Psychologically; culturally; pragmatically; it just ain't gonna wash.

— And, just curious, but does the U.S. government actually think people like heavy, bulky coins clanking around in pockets and weighing down purses?  It just seems kind of odd, like they never even considered whether people like coins in the first place.  Note to U.S. government: many of us HATE the pesky things!

When I'm president, I'm going to eliminate all coins and issue 50-cent bills, just because "getting change" is an expected part of our cultural heritage.

     "So, did you have to spend the whole wad?"

     "No, no, I got change."

     "Great!"

And the mega-money they're going to spend on an ad campaign to indoctrinate convince us to use these things is just the tip of the iceberg compared to the minting costs.  Hell, they probably spent a mil on the design, alone.  Presidential coin designers don't come cheap, y'know.  Plus, since they're adding a coin, not changing an existing coin, there are all the costs of tooling up new minting presses and cutting brand new engravings.  And, to note, not just one engraving but one for every president.

Times a mil per.

And don't forget the presidents who served two terms and having to customize each coin to squeeze those two long dates into that tiny little space.

Times a mil per.

And don't forget...

Times a mil per.

(repeat cycle as necessary)

And, speaking of environmental impact, picture a clean factory room with a gleaming printing press.  The pristine sheet of paper goes in, the press performs its magic and presto, more happy dollar bills enter the public domain.

Unless, of course, you'd rather smelt the metal for your new presidential coins over at Ma Gaia's Molten Works:

And don't give that pollution any thought.  The company's well-stocked with carbon offset credits so the EPA's given it their highest rating.

If the fateful words "Susan B. Anthony" popped into your head at some point, yeah, it's another one of those.  For you young'uns, the gub'mint tried this goofy idea in the late 70's with a dollar coin commemorating some dame nobody had ever heard of with spectacularly miserable results and for all the reasons listed above.  Another one of President Carter's inspiring legacies.

Of course, at some point the question drifts along, "Okay, big mouth, if you were running the show and the directive was to get the bleating sheep environmentally-concerned citizens to use dollar coins instead of bills, how would you do it?"

Piece o' cake:

1. First, eliminate all unions.  That immediately cuts the price of everything in the known universe by half, including raw materials for the exciting new 'full-size' dollar coins.

2. Make the coins a little bigger than 50-cent pieces.  (Another aside to the young'uns — yes, this country actually has a coin worth 50 cents.  Check your local numismatic shop for details.)  The biggest reason the Susan B flopped was simply because it looked like a quarter, so they ended up being pesky more than anything else and we couldn't wait to get rid of them.  That's a mistake these coins won't make.

3. Have you seen all those cool metallic colors of blank keys at the hardware store, like in the pic?  That's the company I'll hire to make the coins.  The keys are obviously tough, yet the aluminum alloy is much lighter than regular metals.  As an additional bonus, they'll actually sound like metal when dropped, as referred to the plastic-y sound current American currency makes.

And there ya go:

A large coin that actually looks like what a dollar coin should look like and rings like real money when dropped; it's a strikingly beautiful color, and they're so light you can barely feel them in your pocket or purse.

And, projecting, note how different meanings become associated with the various colors.  You have a bad waitress at the diner so you 'deliver a message' by leaving her a yellow coin for the tip.  She glares angrily at the back of your head as you leave the restaurant.  The next day it's a different waitress who does a superb job so you leave a green coin in the coffee cup saucer.  She beams with pride when she sees it.  The next day it's a really hot waitress so you leave her a red coin and a purple coin — and we all know what that means.

Anyways, that's what I'd do.  It just needs to be made fun and interesting.  Remember 'pogs'?  Pogs for adults.

And here's the next question:

Okay, so they stop printing dollar bills and eventually you're forced to deal with the dollar coins, like it or not.

When do they stop printing the other bills?

Remember, the planet's life is at stake here.

This is no time to get sentimental.

Doc's Financial Tips

Hi, kids, and welcome to Doc's Financial Tips!

"HI, UNCA DOC!"

Today's financial tip is, "How to make a bzillion dollars!"

"WOW!"

You know those little girly pouches that snow skiers and gays wear around their waists?

"YEAH?"

Well, come the day the government takes the next step and stops printing 5's, 10's and 20's, three hundred and fifty million Americans (minus the skiers and gays) will immediately need one of those things to lug all their coins around in.  Want to make a ton of money?  Be the first one on your block to sell waist packs specifically designed with coin slots for the new coin-only age of the future!

"THANKS, UNCA DOC!"

By the way, if you were wondering where the "In God We Trust" was in the above pic, it's along the edge of the coin.  They hid it there because it was felt that the ever-growing block of non-Christian Americans would feel offended by being forced to use what they view as 'Christian money.'  I mean, I'm guessing that was the reason.  It certainly wasn't "We couldn't find a place to fit it in."

Update: As it turns out, a couple of Congresscritters complained so the next batch is going to have it on the front side.  Yes, Virginia, it's like a Christmas miracle.  The tired and weary engravers searched and searched through the long dark snowy night and finally found an empty manger to put the phrase in.

At the redesign cost of another mil, of course.

Times all those presidents.

And don't forget having to redesign the edge!