We are a commune of inquiring, skeptical, politically centrist, capitalist, anglophile, traditionalist New England Yankee humans, humanoids, and animals with many interests beyond and above politics. Each of us has had a high-school education (or GED), but all had ADD so didn't pay attention very well, especially the dogs. Each one of us does "try my best to be just like I am," and none of us enjoys working for others, including for Maggie, from whom we receive neither a nickel nor a dime. Freedom from nags, cranks, government, do-gooders, control-freaks and idiots is all that we ask for.
LIVING WILL FORM I, __________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept aliveindefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate beput in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-gradebiology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/ doctors/ hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.
If after a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for: (Checkappropriate items): a Martini___, a Margarita___,a Scotch and soda___,a Bloody Mary___, a beer___, a Gin and Tonic___, a Glassof Chardonnay___, a Steak___, Lobster or crab legs___, the TVremote control___, a bowl of ice cream___, the sports page___,Sex___, or Chocolate___, it should be presumed that I won't ever getany better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct myappointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in thetubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New OrleansJazz Funeral Band to come and do their thing at my funeral, and ask all ofmy friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had, and others weshould have had.
P.S.: I hear that in Ireland there is a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patientsare happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place, PLEASE pass it on.
Amendment #1: Should I become incapacitated as described above, DO NOT PULL THE PLUG untilafter I have voted against Barack Obama by absentee ballot in the November 2012 election.
Amendment #2: If the plug has been pulled in violation of #1 above, transport my body to Chicago so I can still vote against Barack Obama.
There isn't much to improve on that, but I would add Mint Julep and Old Fashion to the list of requests.
I already knew you were a classy guy, Bruce, since you write for Maggie's, but when you mentioned New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band, your stock went up a notch (though I think you really meant the Preservation Hall Jazz Band - an insignificant detail).
I'll be making a copy and sending it to my lawyer.