Doc's Secrets: The Teaser

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Tuesday, July 12. 2011

Doc's Secrets: The Teaser

I'm putting the finishing touches on the most interesting site I've ever created. In a way, I guess you could call it my legacy. I'll premiere it tomorrow at noon, but I wanted to give you a heads-up in case you get busy and don't get by. Because of its content, I probably won't link to it much in the future, so it's kinda tomorrow or nuthin'.

Are you aware the best meal at Subway Sandwiches isn't even on the menu?

Are you aware you can buy used books on Amazon.com for a penny?

Are you aware you might be able to buy four printer ink cartridges on Amazon for ten bucks?

If you live in a warm clime and drink iced beverages, is your drink coaster properly sopping up the drips?

Are you (1) male, (2) in your mid-30's, (3) enjoy sex and (4) want to keep enjoying it?

Would you like to discover the terriblest truth about woman and be set free in the process?

Would you like to prevent summer & winter colds?

Would you like to prevent getting sore throats?

Would you like to prevent getting Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?

Would you like to quit sneezing from allergies?

Are you planning on using your teeth past the age of 50?

Do you know how to stop a sneeze in its tracks?

How about hiccups?

If you grow pot, would you like to increase your yield by 1,000%?

Would you like to contact every single member of Congress at once?

Would you like to be on TV at the Olympics?

Would you like to be in the Guinness Book of World Records?

Would you like to hear the real story of the hippies?

Would you like to find out about a wonderful source for pirated software, TV shows, etc?

Would you like to make a zillion dollars with an easily-produced product?

Would you like to try reinventing the first whiskey liqueur in history?

Would you like to know where there's an official iridium strike to make your fortune?

Stay tuned tomorrow for... Doc's Secrets.

Posted by Dr. Mercury in Dr. Mercury's Computer Corner at 11:50 | Comments (52) | Trackbacks (0)

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Would you like to know that you can actually take a bath in your meth tub?

#1 buddy larsen on 2011-07-12 12:04 (Reply)

Eww, who takes baths? That hard bottom, the water getting cold -- not for me! Give me a meth shower or nuthin'.

#1.1 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-12 12:07 (Reply)

...not only that, but ever since the Devonian Era countless generations of fish have been attending to all their bodily functions in it. Yet we just blithely go on bathing in it, drinking it, trying to waterski like someone who doesn't look like Frankenstein on it, et cetera & so forth.

#1.1.1 buddy larsen on 2011-07-12 12:19 (Reply)

Around 1973, I was sitting across the kitchen table from ol' Dave Moffitt, offered him some ice water and he replied, "I never drink water. Fish piss in it."

I didn't pay him any mind, of course. Who cares about a little fish piss?

But when you said "attending to all their bodily functions," that gives me pause.

Now I'm eyeing my Ginger Ale differently, especially the ice cubes. Does Ginger Ale freeze?

#1.1.1.1 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-12 12:25 (Reply)

How is the water in Ginger Ale any different then from the tap other than being flavored and carbonated?

Perhaps the only thing you should drink is alcoholic beverages.

#1.1.1.1.1 phil g on 2011-07-12 15:10 (Reply)

Well, it comes from Canada, so it's got to be pure.

(Doc purposefully shuffles a foot for a sec, thereby distracting Phil and slipping the above comment by him)

Okay, maybe not "pure", as in "pure as the driven snow", but there are certainly fewer fish in colder climes, which is the core issue here. Maybe our Resident Canuckian, Garnook of the Northern Hinterland, can weigh in. (If he does, try to make him feel at home by using expressions like "You're on thin ice, buddy", and "Hey, is this some kinda snow job?")

Re: the alcohol suggestion, check out 'The Magic Elixir' tomorrow. I have a bottle near me now. But only for sippin'. Honest! (hic!)

#1.1.1.1.1.1 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-12 15:26 (Reply)

Merc,

"Adam's Ale" we calls it up here. As for our limited number of fish: they're all potty trained (beautiful river banks I must say).

The only motto we live by is "Don't eat yellow snow" and all is good.

The Canuck

#1.1.1.1.1.1.1 Garry on 2011-07-12 17:37 (Reply)

Now if only someone could tell me how they make marshmallows.

#2 DrTorch on 2011-07-12 12:20 (Reply)

Ok, my answer is 'yes'.

Where do I send my check?

#3 forest on 2011-07-12 12:22 (Reply)

Forest -

The answer's tomorrow!

(But bring your credit card, just in case.)

#3.1 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-12 12:26 (Reply)

It sounds pretty good Doc, but I'm a male, I'm past my mid 30s, and I still enjoy sex. I guess whatever the trick to that one is, I already knew it... I wonder how many of the others I already know? I'll stay tuned, though. It sounds really interesting!

#4 mudbug on 2011-07-12 13:06 (Reply)

Muds -

"I guess whatever the trick to that one is, I already knew it..."

Practiced it. "Knowing" wouldn't have been enough. :)

And thanks for the enthusiasm. It should make for quite the interesting read. Despite probably being the most expensive of the group to accomplish, the Guinness one is pretty cool, in the sense that it's one of the most glorious records in the book and one that stand until the end of time.

#5 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-12 13:18 (Reply)

I guess I'll have to find out what it was to see if I just knew it or practiced it! :-D

#5.1 mudbug on 2011-07-12 14:44 (Reply)

Muds -

Well, if you 'knew', you'd know what I was talking about, because of the specific time frame. Do you remember a book that came out in the 80's called "Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex*, *but were afraid to ask?" This was the one thing I learned in the book, but wow, what a revelation.

As for the 'practicing', it boils down to a pretty simple question: Between the ages of 35 and 40, how many times did you have sex every week? If the answer is "Once, maybe", then I suggest you skip this section.

#5.1.1 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-12 14:56 (Reply)

I remember that book, but for some reason the only thing I can remember about it was Coca Cola douches... ! Why that, I have no idea. I'm waiting with baited browser!

#5.1.1.1 mudbug on 2011-07-12 15:11 (Reply)

I am...intrigued.

DrTorch. Marshmallows are plants of the Mallow family that grow in marshy places. At least that's what my sister wrote in a 2nd grade paper on the subject. (there is, oddly, some truth to her paper)

It was considered medicinal at one point. Why do I know this stuff? Because we used to torment my sister on this subject, until we found out there was a modicum of truth to it.

#6 Rick on 2011-07-12 14:31 (Reply)

Still is in China I believe. They are a salt marsh flower - you can see them all over the Barn Island bird sanctuary in Stonington, CT.

#6.1 Tom Francis on 2011-07-12 15:14 (Reply)

Would you like to know why Dr. Mercury is flogging a new website?

Would you? Huh?

Stand by... :>)

#7 Tom Francis on 2011-07-12 15:02 (Reply)

There actually is an answer, smart guy.

It's because I've decided to launch my campaign for the presidency tomorrow and every piece on the new site has a subliminal clue embedded in it so that by the time they've finished reading, they're ready to hit the voting booth.

It's that, or this was actually finished a year ago and I'm just now getting around to mentioning it. That Google Earth site has also been finished for 6 months, but I never debuted it. They're just side projects.

I've heard their pizza sammiches are pretty good, but never tried one. This has to do with a particular seasoning they carry, but don't incorporate into any of their 'official' meals anymore. And, from what I can tell, the grocery store carries nothing like it.

#7.1 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-12 15:15 (Reply)

It's because I've decided to launch my campaign for the presidency tomorrow...

Really? We need a campaign motto contest then.

Let me see...Mercury....hmmmm.....outboards? Nah. Car? No. Planet? Yeah - there we go.

"Just like the planet, you can be sure he'll change his mind every 87.9 days...VOTE MERCURY!!!" (subtle little orbital mechanics there)

OH OH!! I got a good one!!!

"Not a god, just a guy - VOTE MERCURY!!"

Yep - that's the one.

#7.1.1 Tom Francis on 2011-07-12 18:01 (Reply)

"Crazy 'bout a Mercury" from Alan Jackson's 'Mercury Blues'...
or
"Send A Message with Mercury."
.
It's every bit as specific as "Change"..

#7.1.1.1 Tom Armstrong (Link) on 2011-07-12 18:49 (Reply)

Hey I like those. Then again, guys named Tom always have the best ideas.

#7.1.1.1.1 Tom Francis on 2011-07-12 20:50 (Reply)

This has to do with a particular seasoning they carry...

I know what is it - Starts with O and ends in Y?

You're right - although I've seen the same thing done with other of those genre seasonings.

#7.1.2 Tom Francis on 2011-07-12 18:05 (Reply)

PS: The Subway answer is the pizza sandwich. In theory, they aren't supposed to make it anymore, but if you ask for it, they will make one for you.

#8 Tom Francis on 2011-07-12 15:07 (Reply)

Subway, Tom and Merc? Really??

If you like dog food, I guess I have nothing to say. But I have reason to believe you both are men of the world, and have tasted a good sandwich... maybe even a Philly cheesesteak or hoagie.

Subway is an Obamanation, an insult to all good taste and sensibility.

#8.1 Big___Al on 2011-07-13 07:16 (Reply)

Big A -

Ah, but you missed something, big guy. Let us suppose that you're right and Subway is the worst sammich shop in the universe.

But are you saying that it can't have one exceptionally good meal?

And, if it did, wouldn't you consider that a "secret"?

NOW you understand. :)

#8.1.1 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-13 07:40 (Reply)

Yes, I am saying that!

Unless they've suddenly become a philanthropic organization, they couldn't possibly profit from putting piles of quality meat on quality rolls with quality condiments.

It doesn't compute; and that, I think, you can understand! -;)

#8.1.1.1 Big___Al on 2011-07-13 07:59 (Reply)

Er, I think you're confusing them with a cheap fast food joint. A 12-incher at Subway goes for about 8 bucks, which is only a buck less than a quality Angus hamburger at the restaurant next door. A burger meal at McDuck's is still under 5 bucks, so there's a little disparity here.

Is there such thing as a "medium-paced" food joint?

#8.1.1.1.1 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-13 08:15 (Reply)

You're not helping your cause here, Merc. I can go to any hole-in-the-wall in Philly or vicinity and get the best cheesesteak you've ever had, for $3.50. (Although that is probably 6-inch.)

8 bucks? Subway?! I don't care if it's 80 dollars: They can't make a good sandwich, and they and their patrons don't have a clue.

#8.1.1.1.1.1 Big___Al on 2011-07-13 08:55 (Reply)

"You're not helping your cause here, Merc."

Well, gosh, big guy, I wuz just thinkin' the same thing about you.

After all, you just admitted you live in Philadelphia.

Now who's embarrassed? :)

#8.1.1.1.1.1.1 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-13 08:59 (Reply)

Is this our first fight, Merc? I'm all broken up over this. ;-)

Actually it's fun, as I know you know, so no hard feelings, broski.

Grew up in Philly, but relegated to central PA now. But, *yo*, you can't get the Philly out of this boy! And you've got to admit, we know our hoagies and cheesesteaks, right?

#8.1.1.1.1.1.1.1 Big___Al on 2011-07-13 09:12 (Reply)

"Is this our first fight, Merc?"

I'm afraid it is, big bruiser. Insult a guy's religion, no problem. Insult a guy's politics, no problem. But insult a guy's city..., and there's hell to pay!

But I ain't gettin' into no fight with no Philly phanatic, nossir! Hey, I've seen how you treat your baseball team -- and that's during a winning season! Youz guyz is tuff!

(note how Doc adopts a Philly accent to blend in with the crowd)

"but relegated to central PA now"

Stand by for the "Intercourse" jokes. :) IMHO, PA has some of the most stunningly beautiful countryside in the nation. I purposefully cut through the heart of it on my way to upper NY state (on the way to Lake Champlain where I ferried over to Burlington, at age 22 in my '62 Bug) as I carroused the U.S. Growing up in CA, I'd heard that there was "stuff on the other side of the Sierras", but, like any good Californian, I discounted the possibility that it would be anything worthwhile.

But purposefully getting lost for a week in the wilds of southeast Utah was. Driving across the corn fields of Nebraska was. Watching the autumnal colors change in New England REALLY was. But on that list I'd add the drive through Pennsylvania. What a gorgeous state.

#8.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-13 09:26 (Reply)

Just woke up from a long nap (I think I'm sick), and didn't want your note to go uncommented upon.

Thanks for the laughs. Cheered me up!

Yeah, strange thing that... I lived in the Philly burbs most of my younger years, and had no idea of the beauty of the rest of the state. I was astonished when I canoed the upper Delaware and saw bald eagles and river otters. Even more astonished when we drove like six hours through absolute wilderness to a hiking trail in north-central PA, near the so-called "Grand Canyon of PA."

I lived in Seattle for 8 years, mainly because of the natural wonders. PA can't quite compare, but many would be surprised at the bounty we have here.

(Written sitting in my office at the base of the mountain. And no laughing, westerners! They are mountains, even if they're only 2000 feet above sea level!)

#8.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1 Big___Al on 2011-07-13 14:53 (Reply)

"(And no laughing, westerners! They are mountains, even if they're only 2000 feet above sea level!)"

(tee-hee)

You've got a lot of balls, using the word "mountain" and "2000 feet" in the same paragraph. I believe we call them "starter hills" where I come from. Or bunny slopes. :)

On the subject, are you on Netflix? If so, go stream "The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill But Came Down A Mountain". That movie's got you written all over it.

#8.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-13 15:01 (Reply)

I usually use the term "mountains" in PA for the humor effect, 'cause I have been on real mountains and know the difference. Funny thing is, though, the Alleghenies are pretty rugged, and have historically been quite a barrior to travel and transport.

And no, not on Netflix... but I did look up the movie on Amazon, and saved it in my "to buy" folder. Sounds good, and I trust your recommendation, but I didn't read too much about it so as not to spoil it. I'll let you know sometime what I think...

#8.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1 Big___Al on 2011-07-13 17:56 (Reply)

Well - yeah. I don't eat there all the time, but I have been known to have a veggie foot long with mustard dressing.

mmmmmmmmm - veggie foot long.

Now I'm hungry. :>)

#8.1.2 Tom Francis on 2011-07-13 07:48 (Reply)

Marshmallows (the modern versions with the possible exception of high-end gourmet and/or vegetarian types) use a fair bit of gelatin in the recipes.

Gelatin is a mixture of peptides and proteins produced by partial hydrolysis of collagen extracted from the boiled bones, connective tissues, organs and some intestines of animals such as domesticated cattle, and horses.

Collagen is a group of naturally occurring proteins found in animals, especially in the flesh and connective tissues of mammals.[1] It is the main component of connective tissue, and is the most abundant protein in mammals,[2] making up about 25% to 35% of the whole-body protein content. Collagen, in the form of elongated fibrils, is mostly found in fibrous tissues such as tendon, ligament and skin, and is also abundant in cornea, cartilage, bone, blood vessels, the gut, and intervertebral disc.

Oh, and thanks to Wikipedia for the info and the education. I always thought it was a straightforward case of "processing" horses hooves. Shoulda known it couldn't be as easy as ground and boiled horses hooves mixed with a little sugar.

#9 Knucklehead (Link) on 2011-07-12 18:09 (Reply)

We grow marshmallows in Oregon. Big ones. I've seen 4-footers lined up next to the barns and in rows in the fields down around Tillamook. Marshmallows are white after all the liquid is squeezed out for making cheese.

Vote MERCURY and he'll deliver flowers to you after the election. (Lose the helmet, Doc,)

#10 Sam L. on 2011-07-12 20:42 (Reply)

Okay, the helmet's history -- but can I keep the winged feet? Sure, they're not the height of fashion -- but you ought to see me run the 40-yard dash!

#10.1 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-13 07:42 (Reply)

Really? Height of fashion?

http://alltechnoblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/Adidas-Wings-20-Shoes.jpg

#10.1.1 Tom Francis on 2011-07-13 07:50 (Reply)

Tom -

Omigod! I...I had no idea!

I can't decide if those are the silliest things I've ever seen -- or the coolest.

#10.1.1.1 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-13 07:55 (Reply)

--as a liquid flowing solid
Mercury has no equal;
why, it even had a starring role
in Terminator, the sequel.

#11 buddy larsen on 2011-07-12 22:48 (Reply)

Buddy writes such pretty lines
of that he has no equal.
So how come when he leaves a link
he can't even fuckin' EMBED the goddamn thing?! You've got to do the stoopid cut & paste routine and everything! Kee-rist, whutta nightmare!

I'm still working on the meter. :)

#11.1 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-13 08:19 (Reply)

aHA! FINALLY the author of the 'how-to-imbed-a-link' instruction emergeth from Olympian aerie and, blinking like an albino spelunker, beginneth in the quickened light to realize that neither winged feet nor orbital pride of solar place doth do technical copy necessarily causeth to have been writ anywhere near any known tongue in or nearabout the vicinity of the particular galaxy (known as the home of a chocolate and marshmallow confectionary called "The Milky Way") at issue.

#11.1.1 buddy larsen on 2011-07-13 09:26 (Reply)

Oh yez? Well, that's easy for you to say!

(everyone nods their heads and thinks, "Boy, if that isn't the truth.")

Me, I have the whole thing on a macro key. I hit the F10 key and out this pops:

(url=http://www]text[/url)

(except with angle brackets instead of parens)

I then fill in the text part and paste in the site address and it's good to go. Or, at very least, you could put a simple (url) before it and (/url) after the long link, just to make it active. The info's on the 'site rules' link below.

The next time I have an idle moment, I'll hunt around for a freebie macro keys program. The one I use is commercial. It's a pretty handy feature, like for the above, or for spitting out an email address or your Facebook page. (Allow me to be the first to say that that's a very handsome collar!)

#11.1.1.1 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-13 09:43 (Reply)

well...now you know why the keyboard intricacies always give me such paws.

#11.1.1.1.1 buddy larsen on 2011-07-13 10:03 (Reply)

Or, to turn it around, it's your paws that give you problems with the intricacies, and understandably so.

In all fairness, though, I don't consider hitting the F10 key an "intricacy". But I will, just for you, if it helps your self-esteem.

#11.1.1.1.1.1 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-13 10:09 (Reply)

well, thanks, it does yelp my sel-esteem. In return of the consideration i promise to embark on a fresh watering of the tree of hyperlink pedagogy

#11.1.1.1.1.1.1 buddy larsen on 2011-07-13 10:19 (Reply)

if i'd thought to say 'pedadogy' i bet johnny and ed would've motioned me over to the desk

#11.1.1.1.1.1.1.1 buddy larsen on 2011-07-13 17:12 (Reply)

I'm just shocked that you'd publicly admit you're a pedagogue. What with registering with the police and staying 5,000 away from any schools, it must be tough.

Or is pedagoguery another word for foot fetish?

These "blog" things sure can be confusing sometimes.

#11.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1 Dr. Mercury (Link) on 2011-07-13 17:18 (Reply)

buddy,

Since Merc hasn't responded (to his request for a response from moi...) I think he likes yellow snow.

He'll never be president...imo.

The Canuck

#11.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1 Garry on 2011-07-13 19:16 (Reply)

--he could do it with the right camp pain manager, Canuk. I'd get someone like Professor I.P. Freely to spin the yellow snow scandal, and on the campaign trail i'd want a Seymour Butz.

#11.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1 buddy larsen on 2011-07-14 01:27 (Reply)

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Tuesday, July 12. 2011

Doc's Secrets: The Teaser