The “Battle Hymn of the Jewish Mother” is a reply to the Wall Street Journal article last month, “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior,” that caused quite a stir. At root, the difference is between raising a mensch and raising a child to be a self-centered person with primary responsibility to self, above all striving for success, wealth and status, separated from and above society, and even the child’s own nature.
In Yiddish, there’s no higher goal or compliment than being a mensch. In simple translation from the German, a mensch is simply a man. In Jewish culture, a mensch is the highest compliment, a person of the highest character who knows and acts with a strong sense of what is right and responsible toward others. It is believed that success in life is in being a mensch, and though material success is a possible outcome through the respect from others, success in being a worthwhile, contributing human being is a sure thing and most to be desired.
She [the “Chinese mother’] summarizes the differences between Chinese and Western parents as follows: (1) Chinese parents are not concerned with their children's "self-esteem." They assume that criticisms, even insults, will not harm the child's psyche. (2) Chinese parents believe their children owe them everything. They believe children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them. (3) Chinese parents believe they know what is best for their children and are comfortable denying children their own desires and preferences.
There is no doubt there are components of Ms. Chua's approach that are commendable and consistent with core Jewish parenting values. Our tradition expects parents to have clear expectations of their children and to discipline them when necessary. Certainly, children must appreciate the debt they owe to their parents and are commanded to honor and respect them.
However, there are several major Jewish teachings that are absent in the Chinese model.
Here are some of them:
● The Jewish tradition teaches us that every person is different from every other. Children are individuals and are not all alike. The parent and the teacher must not expect the same results in the home or in the classroom of all children. "Chanoch lena'ar al pi darko - train each child according to his [or her] way" (Proverbs 22:6) - is the central concept of Jewish child rearing. Different approaches are necessary for different children. This concept is sorely absent in the Chinese mother's philosophy.
● Not only does Ms. Chua ignore the needs of the individual, she does not expect her children to be concerned with the needs of other individuals either. Missing from her agenda is the expectation that her children will be compassionate, empathic, and generous to others. She raises her children as if they are "islands of excellence," isolated from society. If a Jewish parent does not teach his or her children that they are responsible to other human beings, that parent has utterly failed.
● Whereas Jewish tradition may not be obsessed with the self-esteem of the child as some Western parents are, our tradition is very concerned with the child's sense of self. A Jewish child must be raised to know he or she is Jewish. Jewish children must be taught about the history of their family in particular and the history of their people in general. They must learn they are part of a special ethnic and religious group and they have an expected role in that group. Ms. Chua, on the other hand, seems totally oblivious to the need to cultivate a sense of identity in her children. For her, it is sufficient that they get good grades and can perform well on the piano. That they are good citizens, capable of altruism and sympathy, dedicated to the good of the greater society, is of no concern to her.
● But there is another glaring omission from the Chinese mother's menu for mothering. There is no mention whatsoever in Ms. Chua's essay of the mother's feelings for her child, nor is there any discussion of what might be parental duties to children. On the other hand, when the Talmud launches into a lengthy discussion of the child's obligation to the parent, it simultaneously addresses in detail the parents' responsibilities to the child. In our tradition, the parent-child relationship is a reciprocal one, a two-way street. Yes, the child owes the parent kavod and mora, honor and respect. But the parent also owes the child a loving and nurturing environment in which the parent can successfully teach the child everything from Torah to a vocation to learning how to swim.
As many American Jewish homes have become more secularized, the central concept of being a mensch is less stressed. And, Christian homes have never been lacking in similar stress on being a worthwhile, contributing human being. Yet, the model of the selfish super-achiever has come more and more to, in my opinion, contaminate our culture. Not only are government, business, academia the poorer for this but they’ve made America poorer, less the City On The Hill.
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