From our friend Nathan in the future JerusaLand:
Business Flash.
Dateline: The City formerly known as Jerusalem
In a shocking market coup, former Disney CEO, Michael Eisner, has been awarded the 99-year lease for Jerusalem, outbidding Jews and Palestinians.
“I am delighted, like I am in heaven, almost,” Eisner elated. “We pulled an all-nighter, God’s team and ours, but came out with the best deal for Him, a lucrative, exclusive contract for Disney, and Family Fun For All.”
God’s representative, C.O.A (Chief Operating Angel) Gabriel Raphael, added, “That Michael. Eisner has the first name of an archangel had no bearings on the negotiations: the deal was struck on its merits: the best price for God and a history of Disney’s fine management. Our C.E.O, whose name we do not use in vain, has had concern about management of this city, since Kollek was retired. We had handsome offers from the Vatican, Dubai, and Jimmy Carter, but our CEO is not in this for the money and we were searching for a manager and corporation with a reputation for excellent, consistent customer service. Based on market research, we have counted more smiles and a child-friendlier atmosphere at Disney than at churches, mosques and synagogues, or at Carter’s lectures.” God was not available for comment and messages were not returned.
Eisner effused, “After an international naming contest on Inter-American Idols, we are renaming the city, “JerusaLand,” City on the Hill, Fun-Town for All. Runners up were “Jewro-Disney” and “Mickey’s Heaven.”
“This is a new era for JerusaLand,” Eisner ebullianated. Since there are already only two entrances to the city, there will be entrance fees covering all events within, with VIP packages additional. No money will be used by tourists: everyone can buy Holy-Gelt chips, like Club Med, but without the Mediterranean nor sand. Everyone living in the city will be employees of JerusaLand Corp., International. We are professionalizing the beggars,” he continuated. “Everyone now begging, will be an employee of JerusaLand, and will be uniformed in historically authentic beggars’ tatters from the various eras. You can give Holy-Gelt chips to a beggar from Jebusite, or King David’s era, or Roman right up to the present, knowing that each beggar will turn in his chips at the end of the workday for a salary and benefits. We will have an incentive system for all employees, including beggars, with vacations to EuroDisney or Disney World. Beggars will be promoted based on performance, with areas near the Western Wall as prime.” Eisner notated that any Beggar-employees caught praying at the Western Wall, then requesting charity from others for their prayers, will be restationed by the Dung Gate. “Prayer will be free, no charge, in JeruseLand! This, the Big Guy insisted on.” Eisner enunciated.
“You will notice,” Eisner persisticated, “that we have renamed this the Western Wall: wailing is not permitted. Other activities, such as shuckling, dancing, spinning and bobbing are encouraged. We will have rides, including a praying roller coaster that while not the highest ever built, will be the holiest: imagine getting closer to God while looping the loop on the holiest mount.”
“And if that isn’t close enough to God,” Eisner emphasated, “We have an introductory package that includes DirectLine. For only fifty cents a minute children can use the Red Phone to talk with God!” When asked about the very reasonable price, Eisner pointed out that this was a local call. “God has specified that he will only talk with children, as they seem to hear what he says better.” (This reporter was able to use the service and can ascertain that God speaks with a Viennese accent, and responds with “Uh, huh.” Yesss,” and “Vat do you make of zet?”) Videophone service – called MosesPhone -- for those reclined, is planned in the future.
“We have specialty packages, for instance for Cohens. Since they can’t mount the Mount until the Temple is rebuilt, we have a hover-craft package, called Lift-a-Cohen (or, Coney–on-the-Spot) so that they can float over Aaron’s spots.”
“A major innovation is our DisneyDivinity virtual glasses. Each visitor can choose the virtual glasses of his desire and see the JerusaLand he wants. For instance, if you rent the First Temple glasses, when you look at the Mount, you see the first Temple, including reenactments of bloody sacrifices, without any animals being harmed. (Pixar has animated this process.) You could choose the Second Temple era and do the Herod tour. We even have a PG-18 version of the Roman era, in which you can watch Romans on horseback slaughtering over one million Jerusalemites (as they were called before the city was renamed JerusaLand), and watch the Roman horses struggle through rivers of blood up to their bellies. Moslems can get a modern 8th Century version to see Mohammed on a camel, fly through the eye of a needle to get to the Temple Mount. We will have subtitles explaining that Mohammed never was in Jerusalem, but that this is a virtual enactment. Don’t want to see women? We have Lubie-Goggles that eliminate all females of the feminine persuasion from the virtual visual field.”
“Everyone will be happy, happy, happy. It’s the Disney Way,” Eisner exhuberated. “You can see what you want, believe what you want, as long as it’s in the Disney Spirit.”
For me, this caps a lifetime of achievement; it adds the third M – Moses --to my first two loves – Mickey and Mouse.” Eisner was sporting a t-shirt with a logo of MMM: the first M is mouse-eared; the second tailed; the third, bearded with horns. (The t-shirt is available in JeruseLand Disney with the M-n-M-n-M’s Logo.)
“We are giving new meaning to Universal Studios,” Eisner ejaculated, “Giving the other Universal a run for their money.” In this spirit, Disney is collaborating with others to make this a universal experience. “We are negotiation with Spielberg to do the Spanish Inquisition, entiled “Kindler’s List.” Industrial Light and Magic will do all special effects, including a Daniel and the Lion’s Den. This will be next to a special section for Members of Knesset. There will be virtual lions for the Daniel actor and real lions for Members of Knesset found guilty of turpitude. No turpitude is permitted in G.O.D. enterprises.”
Spielberg already has a project in the works, “Raiders of the Lost Quark.” This will not only be an exciting plot, but hi-tech innovation. The innovation is called “Ride-a-Movie”, a joint G.O.D./Disney venture. It was the Big Guy who noticed during our all-nighter that the Walls of the Old City look pixilated: He suggested our showing a film along the Walls and incorporating a ride in which the participants enter and leave the Action Flick – think “Purple Rose of Cairo,” but more Jewish than Woody Allen. The plot is scripted by Spielberg and Jackie Mason: the world feels more awry than usual. In addition to plagues, wars, death and misery (all produced in virtual reality by Disney/Pixar/ILM – no animals will be harmed) people notice other things off: old Jewish guys stop feeling heart burn – worry that they have died. Flatulence ceases in these guys, strengthening their Death-Anxiety. Old men keep forgetting to put up the toilet seats, AND their wives don’t notice! Jimmy Carter is speechless, and his pilot calls him “James” and won’t fly him anywhere except Palm Beach. And so forth. Scientists are puzzled by this wrinkle in the fabric of life. Only one renegade scientist, Israeliana Jones (notice Disney Corp.’s dedication to combining ethnicities!) suspects the problem: a quark is missing from the Universe – has been stolen -- and must be found to restore the Universe to its balance. Israeliana -- Izzy for short -- suspects – despite others’ scepticism – that this is the work of Adolf AhmeniBaddyBad, the Emperor of Irania. (Notice Disney’s use of fictitious names and countries, a sign of our sensitivities to the feelings of others and not wanting to lose anyone’s business.) I cannot reveal the entire plot, but to give a taste of G.O.D/Disney’s technological innovations, Spielberg has recruited the actor formerly known as Harrison Ford to star as Israeliana Jones, with startling innovations: he has agreed to undergo JewVination (patent pending), a new process that converts goyim into appearing like and sounding like Jew’im. This JewVinated actor, who will be renamed Hershel Fort, will sound like a combination of Jackie Mason and Woody Allen without glasses. In collaboration with Mr. Allen, we will use a transformative cinemagraphic process that Allen used in “Zelig” to gradually change the actor’s appearance from the actor formerly known as Harrison Ford to someone akin to Menahem Begin with peyiss. Only G.O.D./Disney can do this!” Eisner eructated.
An additional process, ReJewVination for those of the Non-Jewish persuasions is being considered for VIP visitors.
God is our co-producer and maintaining 51 % ownership. Our enterprise will be called, G.O.D, Good Ole Disney (copyright pending). His representatives maintain veto on major decisions and has made stipulations.
For example, our Messiah-in-training Program. We will have Open competitions, called “A Messiah is Born,” produced by Simon of American Idol. Contestants will have to be multi-talented – singing, dancing, and magic tricks. No miracles will be permitted.
“Admission fees include all rides. Free entrance for magicians and jugglers. Anyone professing to be a messiah, will be permitted to perform one miracle at the Gates to JeruseLand: Penn and Teller will be in the judging panel: anyone professing to do miracles, but performing magic instead will be forever barred from JeruseLand. And, Disney has learned that when God says forever, he means it. They will be caged outside the entrance to dance the limbo eternally, never permitted to enter the City. Jim and Tammy Baker will be recalled to hoot and hollar “How Low Can You Go!” and oversee this franchise, LimboLand.”
“All rabbis will be vetted by God and his representatives. As yet, God has found none qualified to enter JeruseLand. Applicants should download the form from www.G.o.d.com, an equal opportunity employer. Minimal requirements include following all eleven commandments; the additional one is for professed rabbis – don’t be a hypocrite.”
“And we are improving life for those employees living in the City. All garbage cans will now be removed from sidewalks -- you know, the big green things with covers never closed that are set afire by the Lubies and the Bratz during gang wars – Gabriel Raphael said the Big Guy is “pissed” about this. Cars will no longer be permitted to park on sidewalks, nor block store entrances, nor smack bicyclists. In fact, there will be no cars permitted in the City, other than Disney vehicles, including our Trans-Jew express Magneto-Monoliner, which will take all tourists, regardless of denomination to all sites.”
The Temple Mount will be our premier site. We have planned rides on the Walls, and underground. We will have performances from all eras of Jerusalem ongoing from 10 a.m. to midnight, such as David’s sighting of Bathsheba, who will be dressed in a body suit, suitable for children. We will have Jesus throwing the moneychangers out of the Temple. Also, by special engagement, The Governor of California – the artist formerly known as Schwarzenegger -- will do a limited engagement as Christ, playing against type, in which he overturns the money-lenders tables, then turns to the audience and says: "I vill be Beck!" Since we have learned that God speaks with a Viennese accent, we thought it fortuitous to hire a Viennese actor to play Christ.
The Governor is delighted. “Der are term limits in Caleefornia, zo I cannot run again. Because I vas born in Vienna, I cannot be de President. Zo I am looking for odder uppertunities. I vas told zat God speaks vit a Viennese accent and smokes Montecristos also -- Monte Cristos, get it? Kha, Kha. Dis iz a vonderful uppertunity. I am given to understand zat the Jesus role is like screen rehearsal: det dis could be a regular gig. And, I vould not refuse further promotions. You know det Charlton Heston did DeMille’s Moses and vent to de NRA? I am already a member of de NRA. Jesus iz de role of a lifetime: Moses vit better Yichus.”
The Governor's wife – the artist formerly known as a Democrat -- appears in a Cameo as the Virgin Mary: the hollow cheeks clinched it during the casting call.
On Yom Kippur, we have a new ride called the Jew-Vibrator: everyone paying the entrance fee will stand on the Temple Mount, feel vibrations and see a special effects display of lightening and thunder and a synthesized voice of God coming out of a cloud, as a specially trained actor portraying Aaron, enters the Virtual Holy of Holies. All participants will receive a specially minted Golden Shekel that says, “I survived the Jew-Vibrator.” For an extra fee, you can spend the day at the Slim-Fast/ExLax-sponsored Starverator, run by certified, G-Stringed, anorectic technicians. Their motto: Pure? We will clean you out!
“This will be multidenominational, Yom Kippur. Anyone can join. For those uncircumcised who really want the experience of a lifetime, there will a Drive-Thru Circum-Cator. Double Arches above the Drive-thru will announce in Henny Youngman’s voice: “Take a little off the top --- Please!” The remains are returned to you in miniature, but expandable bottle, suitable for hanging on a necklace or as a belt buckle, depending on size. (However, foreskin rubbing is prohibited JeruseLand grounds.) All participants will receive a specially minted Golden Shekel that says, “I survived the Jew-Vibrator.”
Amberson Productions will create a tasteful and updated Westside Story, renamed, “Western WallSide Story.” The Lubovitzers and the Bratislavers will be in gang war: the Lubies and the Bratz. We will open with “When you’re a Brat you’re a Brat all the way, from your first cigarette to your last tzitzit day!” Yonni is a Lubie who has an Odeipal thing (It’s a Jewish version, after all). He meets a woman who reminds him of his mother: “The most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard, Ma-Ima, Ma-Ima, Ma-Ima, Ma-IIIIma!” Eisner expurgated.
“We will have sanitized sewage running down the center gutters in the current Arab Quarter. We are negotiating licensing agreements for all the Quarters: Gucci/Italy has offered to redesign the Christian Quarter. The Armenians have not been able to place a competitive bid for their Quarter – Sony and Toyota has outbid them and this Quarter will be renamed following an upcoming contest on International Idol. If licensing goes well, we will divide all the quarters into quarters, so that we will have 16 franchized quarters. ‘You name it, we got it (Toyota-sponsored)’!” We have offers from China to build a “Great WesternWall of China -- Dung Gate.” Japan’s proposal for a quarter is ‘Japan -- the other ten tribes.’ IB Farben has proposed a German quarter that they promise, ‘Will be a gas!’ Dubai has made a handsome bid for “Dubai-Y-Not?” I cannot reveal everything, but know that Mel Brooks is in the wings negotiating a special, “Springtime for AhmaniJaberwocky in Pers-zia”,” with terrorist bombers dressed and performing as the Rockettes and an Arafat in a Nazi helmet, sucking a Cohiba. There will be Christians performing as Keystone cops chasing elusive souls and Hassidim dressed in drag.
Then there will be the TranSubstantiation Show, sponsored by VW. Ten Jews with big Jewish Stars enter a VW Beetle, and five hundred, yes, Five Hundred Christians in gold-lame togas and diamond-studded crosses exit the other side, entering a VW bus, from which, five thousand Shaheeds with sabers and bomb belts, screaming, “Allah Akhbar!” exit! What a show of shows! avunculated Eisner.
Another big event in JeruseLand will be Hallow-week. Children can rent costumes of their favorite character: Mickey, Donald Duck, Mosey, Abey, Joshy, even Jonah-y or Whale-y for large families. Adults will be required to change clothes for the day: Lubies and Bratz as Tom and Jerry; Greek Orthodox priests as spinning tents; Bedouins as Manhattan cab drivers.
“And talking of cabs, no one will be left out,” expurgated Eisner. We are recruiting local talent. We have been approached by the Arab cab owners outside the King David Hotel. ‘til now, they take tourists to Mamilla -- four blocks down the street – charge a flat fee of $100, then drive around the City for half an hour. Under Disney, we are introducing the Freyer-Ride. All cab meters -- which drivers say never work -- will be replaced by one-arm bandits. (As a family-friendly enterprise, Disney does not support gambling, so these will not be called slot machines.) For only 5 shekels the visitor will pull the bandit’s arm. If he gets three falafels (a sign of Disney’s cultural sensitivity), he gets a ride to exactly where he wants to go, with guided tour on the way. If zero falafels, then the driver takes you nowhere, no place at all! This will be a fun activity. We are still doing market research on the name of this Ride-NoRide: besides FreyerRide, the drivers have suggested, “Putz-Putt.”
And for the more adventurous, beyond FreyerRide and the Trans-Jew Express, we will have the JewLerCoaster, a roller coaster starting at the entrance to JeruseLand, traveling throughout and ending at the Temple Mount. This is the It! Three thousand years of Jewish history in a twenty-minute ride. (Only riders over 18 and waivers of responsibility for bodily damage are required, this reporter later learned.) Just like a history book, but more exciting! You start by being four-point harnessed into a camel-looking conveyance and plod slowly through a desert up to Egypt, where you are suspended upside down for 460 Disney Years (about 3.4 minutes), then swoop down into King David, then Solomon, then the coaster breaks up into Diaspora subtrips – Greece, Rome, Moorish Spain, the Inquistion. Then the cars reconnect as we enter the Nazi era, where you will loopy-de-loop through virtual illusions of death camps, mass graves and crematoria. Surround-Sound-N-Smell Corporation will collaborate on special effects. Throughout the ride, virtual audiences from around the world will be watching and will do … absolutely Nothing! Now, here is the Disney/Pixar?ILM touch: One-third, that’s 33% of the riders will disappear before you exit the Reich! When you get to the Mount, there will be guides to help you find any relatives lost. There is an extra charge for this Obligation-Free service.” Eisner prevaricated.
“Everyone working and living in the city will be now called JerusaLanders. We have built a new planned community for residents/employees, OurLando.”
“This is a new era for JerusaLand, nee Jerusalem! Our prospective motto: “Closest you’ll get to Heaven on Earth.” The city will be clean, fun, and have something for everyone!” Eisner terminated.
Rumors in the business community are that negotations are under way for Masada and Sefad, which will be retitled Matza-ded and SoFad?SoGood!
