DEMOCRATS SETTLE ON OPINION ON THE CRIMEAN WAR THEY'VE ALWAYS HAD.
Announce plans to weigh in with exquisitely nuanced position on World War One that they had all along next week.
In a blistering attack on the Bush Administration, the Democratic National Committee outlined their position on the Crimean War this week.
"President Bush and his Administration have no credibility left when it comes to the war in the Crimea, yet they continue to engage in partisan attacks, misleading the American, Russian, French, British and Sardinian people about the real state of affairs in The Danubian Principalities. The disclosure of this latest report outlining growing chaos and violence in Sebastopol undermines the President's deceptive proclamations that things are going smoothly in The Crimea. The Bush Administration should release this report so that the American people can have an accurate assessment of the facts on the ground, not more White House propaganda. While The Holy Land continues to slip into civil war and hamper our ability to fight the war on Czarists, with Prince Menshikov still on the loose, even if he is dead, and the Sultan Abu-ul-Majiid gaining ground in the Bosporus, and the Mahdi has set up shop in The Ottoman Empire. That's all bad, we think; and if it's not, then we don't. BushCo. refuses to offer any leadership on the issue."
"A majority of Americans now believe that this immoral and illegal war for BushCo's ancestor's Big (Olive) Oil buddies in Sardinia was a mistake and agree with Democrat's call to begin responsible redeployment of our troops to Gibraltar so that we can fight and win the war on Barbary Pirates, if the topic comes up again. Republicans in Congress have rubber-stamped the President's failed policy 150 years retroactively and refused to hold him accountable for this commitment to a failed strategy in the Dardanelles. But, in November, the American people will hold Republicans responsible for their inept leadership and continued support for Bush's bad policies."
Senator Kerry, stumping for votes among the little people from the deck of his yacht, announced he would hurl his Crimean War Medal bearing the likeness of his great-aunt and cousin Queen Victoria, the two clasps for the battles of Alma and Inkermann, the clasp for the battle of Balaklava, the clasp for the fall of Sebastopol, the clasp awarded to the Royal Navy and Royal Marines for actions in the Sea of Azoff, over the big black fence outside Buckingham Palace. Two weeks later, he pledges to throw the same medals over the White House fence. They will be on display after that in his Senate office, inspiring him to greater heights of fury as he works on the latest version of the opinion he's always had on the Charge of the Light Brigade.
