Maggie's Farm

"Good morning, everyone.  And how are you all today?"

"Fine, chief".

"Mornin', sir."

I'm Sorry, Everybody, But I Think Rick Perry is Hot!

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Okay, folks, let's get down to business.  Jane, you're fired.  It's been a resoundingly successful couple of weeks and I'm proud of the whole team.  Department heads, please make sure your staff are aware of upper management's approval.  They set out two specific goals for us, and we've accomplished both of them handily.  Yes, Mary?"

"Make that two and a half, boss.  Doc and Jeanette have cooked up a little something special.  I'll get to it later."

"We'll look forward to it.  Okay, our first goal was to get the candidates to focus on the usual crap, like Social Security and Medicare, rather than the umpteen jillion programs and entitlements that would actually make a difference if they had the balls to cut them.  What'd you call it, Shirley?"

"The 'Don Quixote Plan'.  We've got them tilting at immense windmills they don't have a hope in hell of beating.  Social Security and Medicare are familiar names that everyone knows and are comfortable arguing about, so it's an easy trap to get sucked into.  And, given that every candidate for the past thirty years has promised to 'clean up' or 'fix' Social Security, all it's doing is making them into just another bland brand of standard fare politicos.  Yawn."

"Getting sidetracked with the Ponzi Scheme definition was truly a masterful stroke.  Wasn't that your doing, Mack?"

"I'll humbly take some credit, oh great leader.  Perry actually said Social Security is 'like' a Ponzi Scheme, but by the time we paid off the editors bureau and the bloggers cartel, it became 'IS' a Ponzi Scheme, and you saw the results.  Two solid weeks wasted on nothing but semantics while striking the fear of god into the nation's elderly.  It just doesn't get any better than that."

"Outstanding work, Mack.  And who was it that put the bug in the Witch's ear about Perry's 'crony capitalism'?  Shirley?"

"That would be Jim Buschnel and his team inside Bachmann's camp.  Most of her advisers were against it, knowing it was going to make her appear vicious and vindictive — a typical conservative female politician, in other words — and we all saw what happened in last week's Florida straw poll.  Dead last.  But Jim and his team kept claiming how it would deal Perry a 'fatal blow', and, in the end, she just couldn't resist."

"She just couldn't resist blowing Rick Perry?"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Buschnel told me at the MSM celebration party afterward that the real joke was that they never actually used the word 'Perry' in their discussions with Bachmann.  His team simply kept asking her, 'Don't you want to deliver the fatal blow?'  They just casually forgot to mention who the fatal blow would end up being against."

Bachmann Accuses Perry Of ‘Crony Capitalism’ For Issuing Vaccine Mandate After Receiving Merck Donations

Michele Bachmann Camp Slams Rick Perry 'Crony Capitalism'

Bachmann: Perry Practicing 'Crony Capitalism'

Bachmann: Perry Engaged In 'Crony Capitalism'

"Perfect!  You want another Richard Nixon, folks?  Just vote for Rick 'I am not a crook' Perry!  Yes, Jim?"

"At the risk of incurring the boss' wrath by using the dreaded P word..."

"Go ahead, Jim.  All we need is a little advance warning so we can mentally steel ourselves."

"Well, so far, Sarah Palin has remained the apple of the Tea Party's eye, right?  She has done no wrong.  Unlike Perry, who after only a few weeks has already managed to alienate a big chunk of the voters by calling the US Treasury 'treasonous', Social Security a 'fraud', his attempt to kill innocent young girls with a barely-tested vaccine and encouraging illegal immigrants to invade our country by rewarding their offspring, Palin has managed to avoid any such stigma for four long years, despite our best efforts."

"Well, except for claiming she could see Russia from her house."

"And not knowing which newspapers she reads every day."

"And using her baby as a political prop."

"Right, but none of those have the same zing, the same pop that killing off young girls and old people has.  Worse, the Queen Bitch has fended off every attack by our valiant FemLib troops, never showing any bias to one gender or the other.  Men, women, amateurs, professionals, politicians, voters; they were all gender-neutral in her eyes.  Until now."

Sarah Palin Accuses Rick Perry of ‘Crony Capitalism’ in HPV Vaccine Controversy, Praises Michele Bachmann for Raising Issue

Sarah Palin Calls Out Rick Perry's Crony Capitalism

Sarah Palin: Rick Perry Has Participated In 'Crony Capitalism'

Sarah Palin Slams Perry on 'Crony Capitalism'

"Jesus!"

"Crap!"

"Yikes!"

"So, the Royal Bitch finally shows her true colors by ripping apart her own party just to side with another woman.  Would you see the above if Paul or Romney had made the accusation instead of Bachmann?  Very doubtful.  So, no longer pure, no longer unsullied.  It's the first dark seed of doubt ever to enter her followers' hearts, and there it will fester and grow.  She has now shown herself to be partisan, and once one shows that side of oneself, it's inferred that he or she can be partisan in any area, and, in politics, that usually translates to money. With this one little act, she's implied she can be bought, just like any normal politician.  The magic is gone, folks.  Boss, try not to openly weep with joy."

"(sniff) Sorry, everyone.  It's just that magical little moments like this are what make this job truly worthwhile."

"We understand, boss.  I've got a tear in my eye, too.  It's not often that you get to see history unfold before your very eyes."

"The end of an era."

"A chapter closes."

"The dream is dying."

"Okay, so steps one and two have been accomplished.  We've got them focused on issues they don't have a snowball's chance in hell of actually fixing, ignoring all the entitlements and exorbitant pensions that, if cut, could actually make a real and discernible difference, and the infighting between them is taking on the characteristics of an alley cat brawl.  Jane?  What's the story on Cain and his surprise Florida win?"

"Two words, everybody.  Straw.  Poll."

"Good point.  All right, let's move on.  Mary, you said you had some icing on the cake?"

"You bet, glorious leader.  My department's been busy whipping up a new TV ad campaign destined to drive a stake right through the emotional heart of America.  May I use the projector?"

"Go right ahead.  Doc Murky again?"

"Yep.  He came up with the idea and Jeanette's helping him work on the production details.  We have the first one ready to air.  Would you get the lights, please, Steve?"

(scene opens with elderly Americans ambling along hallways and park paths, half of them in a wheelchair or clutching a walker)

THE REPUBLICANS ARE TRYING TO DESTROY YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY

(scene of elderly Americans shuffling along hospital corridors)

THE REPUBLICANS ARE TRYING TO DESTROY YOUR MEDICARE

(scene of elderly couple sharing a small 79¢ box of Kraft macaroni & cheese for dinner)

THE REPUBLICANS ARE TRYING TO TAKE AWAY YOUR FOOD

(switch to background pics of Republican candidates in their scariest, most hateful poses)

"SOCIAL SECURITY IS A PONZI SCHEME AND SHOULD
IMMEDIATELY BE SHUT DOWN!" - RICK PERRY

"RICK PERRY IS A CROOK!" - MICHELE BACHMANN

"MICHELE BACHMANN IS UNFIT FOR OFFICE!" - TIM PAWLENTY

"LET'S GIVE IRAN NUCLEAR WEAPONS!" - RON PAUL

(ugly, hateful music dies away and the scene changes to a quiet bucolic setting inside a rural post office)

"Afternoon, Sarah."

"Why, good afternoon, Henry!  And isn't it a splendid day!"

"'Fraid not, Sarah.  You know how them Republicans won that last election?  Turns out they's eliminatin' the post office.  'Government waste', they call it."

"Oh, Henry!  That's horrible news!  We all gather here every day to share our gossip and farming tips.  It's the center, the very heart of our little town.  How could they do this to us?"

"Well, Sarah, you know them Republicans.  Money first, people second."

(camera pulls away, looks out over the tiny little town, the very symbol of heartland America, raises up to a dying sunset symbolizing the death of yet another part of an America we once held dear)

REPUBLICANS:

IF THEY CAN'T KILL YOU ONE BY ONE

THEY'LL DESTROY YOU TOWN BY TOWN

(music swells, fade to black)

(room lights come back on)

(thunderous applause)

"Jeez, that's just marvelous, Mary.  Are they really trying to take down the P.O.?"

"Who the hell knows, boss.  If they'd tear down Social Security, they'd tear down anything."

"Too true.  Please give Doc and Jeanette our kudos for a job well done.  Steve, bring us up to speed on any remaining potential candidates and the final date of commitment."

"In a nutshell, Giuliani's not showing any interest and the P word hasn't uttered a peep since her 'Perry is a crook' debacle.  Christie is out, at least according to his brother-in-law's second cousin on his mom's side.  Final date to get in the Florida primary is the end of October, but that'll be too late to gain much traction even for the Royal Bitch, so I'd give them to the middle of the month and no further.  Personally, I think the field is already set."

"Good enough.  Okay, people, listen up.  Our first two goals have been accomplished, but there's still a long way to go.  Don't forget, with an 80% reelection rate for incumbents, we've got history on our side and should be able to squish these people like bugs, but, as we're all sadly aware, the American voter can occasionally be downright unmanageable.  Sometimes, it's almost like they have a will of their own.  Yes, Shirley?"

"Don't sweat it, boss.  Not only will we continue to encourage the candidates to claw at each others' throats, but we'll constantly remind the public how frustrated they are with the current selection with our new 'still looking for' meme."

After GOP Debate, New Hampshire Voters Still Looking

Republicans still Looking for a Candidate to Replace Obama

Michigan Voters Not Entirely Sold on GOP Field

Tea Party Still Looking for Favorite Among GOP Contenders

"Excellent!  Let's stick with that meme right through voting day.  All right, people, you know what to do.  Let's get to work!"