Maggie's Farm

I plan to wage war on behalf of the poor Cuba Libre drinker.

Long have they suffered! Every time someone orders one, some smartass in the group comments that they just ordered a Rum & Coke and paid a dollar more for the lime wedge. Imagine the ridicule and shame the poor Cuba Libre drinker must endure!

So-o-o...

Step one is to make every Cuba Libre in a tall, frosted chimney glass with two lime wedges clipped to the top.

Step two is to clue the waitresses in on the scheme. When some poor, hapless slob orders a Cuba Libre and the other guys get on his case, the waitress signals me when she gives me the order.

It's time to go to war.

I've had some tiny pamphlets printed up, only a few inches square with just a few pages. I slap a couple of lime wedges onto the edge of his drink and call for the waitress.

When she delivers his drink, she tells him "The bartender would like to see you for a minute." He walks over and I tell him, "If anyone asks, just tell them I thought you were somebody else. Take this into the bathroom and read it in private."

I adroitly slip the tiny pamphlet across the bar and he palms it. I wave like "Sorry for the mistake!" for his friends who are watching and turn away. He stops by the bathroom on the way back to his table and reads:

Víva la Cuba Libre!

The next time someone implies your Cuba Libre is just a Rum & Coke with a lime wedge, lift the frosted glass up casually for everyone to see, subtly driving home the point that you have a frosted glass — and they don't. Look the person dead in the eye and say, "Are you sure?"

When he persists, again raise the glass, but this time inspect it a little closer, then say, "Apparently, you don't realize what happens to two liquids when they're in a tall chimney glass."

The whole concept of heavier liquids — like the rum — settling to the bottom of the tall, thin chimney glass will suddenly become clear to those in-the-know, and they'll realize that maybe a Cuba Libre actually gets stronger as you drink it, and that you knew this great secret all along!

Then point out that a true Cuba Libre has two lime wedges, one for the beginning of the drink and one for the end, and that "this bartender knows what he's doing." They'll have never heard that one before, causing further confusion among the ranks.

Víva la Revolución!

When he glances at me as he walks out, I silently raise a glass to him.

Víva la revolución, compadre.