Maggie's Farm

Is this really a laughing matter?

Imho, it’s sad how peanuts are used and abused so freely to give bar patrons cheap feel-goods. Too often the nuts are salted and unhealthy, not to mention the germs from dirty hands lurking in the bowls of gratis goobers that get consumed and damage the well-being of individuals who are only seeking some kind of respite from unkind life with a shot or two at the neighborhood tavern.

And what about people who are deathly allergic to peanuts, when one or two nuts or even a crumb fron one contaminates somebody's drink or pretzel bowl at the bar?

Complimentary peanuts on planes are also a travesty. They give passengers sitting in close proximity to one another really bad breath and desperate cravings for alcohol. Peanut-thirstied passengers subsequently drink and spill their life stories to strangers belted in next to them, unable to escape the unwanted intimacies and exhalations.

Worst of all, many peanuts bought in bulk these days by commercial establishments are imported from countries such as Communist China and are susceptible to being tainted with aflatoxin, Salmonella Stanley and other subversive pathogens. Clearly, “free” peanuts end up being not so free, as they compromise us, our physical and mental health, economy, and ultimately our national security.

So very sorry, buddy. It was a lame joke, you know.

But I'll keep the sound off from now on just for you! Take it away---