Maggie's Farm

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT (AWNAA) - A CONGRESSIONAL ACT. WASHINGTON, DC (AP).  Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. AWNAA is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills, ambition, common sense, reliability, or the ability to work effectively with others.

"They can't help it, because they were born this way" said Senate sponsor Barbara Boxer (D-Moon). "Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing." Boxer concluded "This crisis must be addressed immediately, before millions are harmed or killed. It will be worse than Katrina if we do not act now. And think of their children!"

The President pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long and proud policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74% of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability. Politics is higher, at 99%, but the numbers are fewer. Government in general has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (73%). Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middleman" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance for POI and PLWF (Persons of Ineptness, and Persons Living With Fecklessness).

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires. In addition, POIs and PLWFs will be added to the group of "protected classes" in all US legislation, automatically, permitting lawsuits for discrimination, thus putting them on an equal legal footing with PLWDs (People Living with With Disabilities), PRCs (People of Rainbow Colors), PFSCWDUACs (People From Strange Countries Who Don't Understand American Culture), PLWRWRs (People Living with Rare, Wierd  Religions), and PWAATNs (People Who Aren't All That Normal) and PWWFCs (People Who Wear Funny Clothes), and , last but not least, the PWWFCSOTECPOAYCTWTAHONs, (People Who Wear Funny Clothes So Only Their Eyes Can Peek Out And You Can't Tell If They Are Hot, Or Not).

Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" or "Yo wo doona nuka nookie won?" (Australian aborigine for "How good is your linear algebra?", a phrase with which most B and C-level college admissions officers are well acquainted.)

"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me who are victims of PLWF." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel of many generations of discrimination.

Human rights and civil rights activists praised the Act, and encouraged its passage. "This will break down one of the last walls of discrimination in American," said Jesse Jackson. "Judging people just on the basis of performance is Un-American and cruel. We must consider other essential factors, such as skin color." Hillary Clinton, running for re-election, (D-Uranus) had this to say: "I think this advances the cause of fairness in employment. We can't all be Bill Clintons, after all, but we all need and deserve something to do besides baking cookies and watching the soaps. And think of the children."

Said Senator Ted Kennedy, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation. This Act is for your kids, and especially for my own kids, and all of the next generation of Kennedy kids - and thus for the future of America. Together, we can build a great nation which respects fecklessness, ineptness, and victims of POI and PLWF - a truly inclusive nation that we can finally all be proud of."

College sports teams will be exempt from AWNAA, if enacted by Congress, thanks to an amendment offered by Sen. Joe Lieberman (D R- whatever- CT), Senator of the proud home of the Huskies (few, if any, of whom ever lived in CT). Harvard University science departments, on the other hand, have embraced and adopted the AWNAA concept whole-heartedly, to their credit, setting new standards for institutions of higher learning.