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Al Quaida insiders have reportedly told CNN that Osama Bin Ladin has decided to convert to Christianity.
"Only Christ has the power to forgive all of my past sins," he told fellow terrorists yesterday. "From today forth, I will lay down my arms and take up the cross."
A terrorist who was present at this dramatic meeting reports that Osama attempted to lead the group in "A Mighty Fortress is our God," but that they did not know all of the words.
Pundits last night speculated about how this surprising change might have come about. John Fund of the WSJ speculated that former Taliban spokesman and now-Yale student "Wasabi" Hashimi (who had been a sushi chef in the West Village prior to joining the Taliban), who has found Christ at Yale along with a new faith in secular democracy, may have been evangelizing to his friends via telephone.
Chris Matthews opined thus: "The Dems announced that they will "eliminate" Osama on Tuesday, and he converts on Thursday. No coincidence there. He's just scared, because the Dems are way scary when it comes to national defense."
Said Pat Robertson on FOX news last night: "The Lord told me he was watching the 700 Club by satellite, so I knew this was coming. Halleluiah!" Robertson added "Brother Osama, if you are watching now, how about a generous check to the 700 Club? Your brother in Christ Pat is running out of cashmere socks."
Further details as they emerge.
Image: Bin Ladin taping a press conference for Al Jazeera twelve hours ago. The tape has not yet been aired, but an anonymous Al Jazeera cameraman told CNN that Osama vows to abandon his promiscuous bisexual life style, on the tape, and that he will start wearing normal clothes instead of dresses and skirts as soon as he can get to the J.C. Penney's at the mall in Dubai. "These schmatas don't fit me anyways," he supposedly said. "The tailor said he could take them in, but they are still too loose and do not do my lean, Lincolnesque shape justice." Translation of sign behind him: "Jesus Saves."