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Friday, March 29. 2013
I saw a nice lady for consultation a few years ago. She was distraught, wanted help in rebuilding her life and her emotional strength. Her husband, age 54, had, after an evening of good sex with her, informed her that he had realized that he was gay, and needed to leave her to pursue a gay life style because he did not want to deceive her or betray her.
They cried together and held eachother. She cried for two weeks. After that, she began having panic attacks. He moved out, and the legal aspects of the divorce proceedings had been easy and mutually agreeable.
Six months had gone by and she still felt shattered. The reality of her life had been exploded. I told her that grief takes at least a year. Mind you, this was a sophisticated urban woman who had once been in the fashion business and who assured me she could readily identify gay guys at a distance. He had always been a loving, sexy, loyal husband with no hyper-macho ways, and no stereotypical gay interests or mannerisms. Good father, too. He worked in finance.
In the six months apart, she told me that he had seemed to transform himself from an ordinary fellow into a flamboyantly gay man who drinks too much, dyes his hair, spends weekends in Provincetown and weeknights in gay bars. He told her it took him 40 years "to find his inner fag." He says he'll love her forever, support her and the kids, but now has found his real self and feels happier than he ever had.
I thought to myself "That was a real gay marriage." I also wondered whether he was Bipolar, but it didn't matter because it was over and her challenge was to write what I term "a new chapter."
I had seen this a number of times before, in mid-life men and in women too. I can't say I understand it. Nobody really does, but I do understand the grief. Agonizing. I also understand the horror of wondering whether much of one's life has been fraudulently-lived in a fake reality.
In my line of work, I encounter plenty of people who live in fake realities of their own construction, but it's not ordinarily about sexual matters. It's usually about other things. I carry the burden of a thousand stories in my soul, but don't feel sorry for me. It's a privilege, and I get paid to carry them.
(nb: real details of this story are totally altered and combined - fake but true)
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This story confirms what I believe to be true: that many so-called 'gays' could choose to live a normal lifestyle. Therefore, it IS a choice, in my opinion.
Sex is not the end-all be-all in a marriage. What happened if your spouse was unable to have sex? Would the marriage 'be a sham'? Would you then feel justified in divorce because your sex needs could not be met? What about when you get older and your interest in sex wanes? Are you 'living a lie'? Are you then justified to find sexual pleasure wherever you can find it because it's all about your happiness and 'real love'?
I would hope not. Marriage is about emotional connections AND physical connections, commitment, maturity and a host of other things. For some reason, those who choose a gay lifestyle have decided that the physical is more important than anything else in a regular man-woman relationship and decide this part of them must be fulfilled or they are not being true to themselves.
I call B.S. on that. I think it is all about self-indulgence. Heaven forbid you should have to forgo sex the rest of your life...or for any amount of time.
Poor, poor woman. She married a narcissist who thought his needs, desires, fantasies were more important than his wife's or his children's. He was a child living in an adult body.
Being on the eve of Easter it might be appropriate to point out that it is believed that Mary, the mother Jesus, and Joseph never had sex, ever. Would that marriage be considered a sham?
Mary and Joseph had other children. James and Joseph are named as the "brothers of Jesus" in the Bible. I am unclear why anyone would think a married woman at that time would not have had sex...ever.
Actually that is debated by theological scholars. It is not clear that Jesus had any blood brothers or sisters. The use of the term 'brother' in reference to what some believe were his biological siblings is a common familiar usage that could refer to his cousins or close family friends.
Hmmm, self control being in very short supply for this man. . . The degree to which he has damaged his wife & children is incredible. She'll be wondering (I would be...) if he had really been despising sex all those years- and if he could lie about it for that long, what else could he have been lying about ?
Being on the eve of Easter, we Christians are reminded that we don't use people, we don't lie for years on end, that we keep our promises, that there are a lot of things that are more important than (as Dr Laura used to say) a warm place to put it.
I simply do not understand those of you who are angry at this man because he ended his marriage. Should anyone stay in a bad marriage? And more to the point should anyone stay in a bad marriage just to make YOU happy??? His reasons don't matter. There are real and legitimate reasons for anyone to end a marriage and it isn't YOUR choice it is THEIR choice.
Was it a bad marriage? Sounded pretty good to me.
Of course, it was his decision to make. He traded a stable life with a family who loved him for his own gratification.
It was obviously a bad marriage for him. If it had been good he would have stayed. It is a personal decision that cannot be made by others. There are many, many reasons for ending a marriage. While you or I may think reason # 12 is trivial or reason # 20 is OK all that really matters is what the person making that decision thinks. Is there nothing that would cause you to choose to end your own marriage. I would assume there is something that would make that decision for you. This man found something that made his marriage untenable. I don't know if he will one day regret it or if in fact it was his wedding he regreted. I do know it is his decision to make and live with.
Everything you said is true. Except you assume it was a bad marriage. As described, Dr. Bliss' recombinated account of the situation sounded like it was good marriage right up to the point the husband decided it wasn't. Given no-fault divorce laws, that's all that's necessary.
There are a lot of facts not in evidence, but did it have to a be bad marriage just because the husband hadn't been able to have the gay sex he wanted? Did that really mean he was "living a lie?" Did he love his wife and children any less for it, or they him?
Is it more important to pursue the sex you've fantasized about or to stick with a positive relationship that has endured for years?
Well, on a situation to situation basis it is exactly none of my business. My bias is that the enduring relationships you've established, like a family, deserve your loyalty to the point of self-sacrifice. I even think it ought to be the default bias, though it sure isn't these days.
Where the self-sacrifice becomes too much to be expected to bear, that's the part that's none of my business.
I have to agree with you, but I'm old-fashioned and I put a high value on loyalty to others. So here's my version of the golden rule, updated for the gay Year 2000s:
a) Harm(to others) - Selfish_Benefit(to oneself) > 0 ==> Suck it up bro' and stop messin' around;
b) Harm(to others) - Selfish_Benefit(to oneself) OK, give it a try but don't go lookin' for sympathy when you make a mess of your life after messing up someone else's life
I'm a little bit tired of this "I can't help it, I was born this way" argument and justification for immoral behavior. Each person is in charge of themselves and if they happen to want something, drugs, alcohol, homosexual experiences, sugary foods, tobacco, whatever, then they will go to places where that is easily available. The previous poster is absolutely correct, these are choices. Each encounter accepted is a choice made by he person. The term "non-practicing homosexual" was used in Cider House Rules. Of course it's the nonsense of a thought crime.
Homosexuality may not be immoral behavior, but disregarding sacred vows, abandoning family, and not exhibiting some loyalty to those who have earned it is immoral. Whatever happened to intellect and character governing human behavior instead of base short term urges?
Guaman you are truely ingnorant.It ain't no choice.If it was, most would not chose gay.
I wouldn't bet on that. Location could make a difference. SF, f'rinstance. Other big cities. Acquainted with 2 in my little town.
Intellect, character, and loyalty...manly qualities, all.
Ironic, isn't it?
Of course, behaving abominably like this man did can lead to you becoming a bishop in certain church denominations.
I have this question: Is there really any difference between the guy that decides to play for the other team and the guy that gets younger at that position?
It might, at the margin, be easier for the older player that is pushed aside for this year's first round draft pick, but there really is no difference.
And I also wonder, how tempted I would be to behave badly? What would I do if I had the money to sign this year's first round draft pick to a contract with a big signing bonus and other guaranteed monies?
I think I'd be a good guy, but I've not ever really been tempted by the choice.
Sad story. Could he have been bored with what sounds like an almost ideal, successful life and what he craved was new experiences and a little bit of danger and excitement? Two hundred years ago, instead of running off to P-town on the Cape, anyone who wanted to "find themselves" and make a new beginning might have packed up all the family's household belongings in the Conestoga wagon and set off for a new life in the untamed frontier (just West of Worcester, that is).
It didn't say he cheated on her.
If he had, I'd place him in the pile of crap spouses that disregard their vows at the drop of a belt....
Men or women, gays or straight...
If you want out, get out...
Dear God Dr.
Don't you ever do numbers? How about the simple fact that if you run a hotel and hire one ONE gay man to work behind the reception desk--you will have a 90% staff of gay guys within 2 years. Everyone in the hotel business understands that "being gay" is NOT GENETIC ! Anyone who has ever lived in/near Hollywood understands that being homosexual is NOT ABOUT GENETICS. When are you and the others in your profession going to have the courage to confront the numbers ?
faculty wife--Don't know whether you were being facetious or not, but that is exactly what happened in my family. My cousin was clearly heterosexual up through high school, with a couple of girlfriends (although I doubt he "did" anything with them; none of us would as the area we grew up in a community that was still pretty conservative about all that). Then he went away to college in L.A., and being pretty good looking and athletic, he got into modeling, acting and the whole Hollywood lifestyle. One day he announced to all of us he had decided he was gay/bisexual. A few years later he was dead of AIDS, along with everyone else in his fast Hollywood crowd.
Oh yes, and I've watched my local Starbucks "go gay" the past couple of years. It's pretty clear now you can't get a job there if you are not homosexual or transgender. It was interesting to watch it happen.
I'm pretty conflicted on this issue, as to it being "born that way" or "recruiting for the other team" as you can find examples of both. I really wouldn't care except that it's in my face constantly. "gvt - stay out of my bedroom" yet the obviously offensive behavior is taken to the streets to protest, and taught in the classrooms as normal. They didn't have detailed lessons in heterosex, why are dangerous, abormal behaviors being taught to children as young as 8 ? (rhetorical )
Have a family member who "came out" after the death of his wife, his life was destroyed financially and socially as he lost everything to go off with some guy. Some guy who turned out to not want to be monogomous with said relative. This is a tenet of homosexuality, mostly among males - the more partners and trysts - the better.
That is the crux of the matter, gays are a small % of the population and gays demanding legalization of marriage are an even smaller %.
The goal of this is to destroy what is left of the sanctity of marriage. Homosexuals, by studies (as long as they are not funded by the left) are self destructive, higher % of drug users, seeking some type of treatment for mental disorder or past abuse, and promiscuous. Children growing up in homes with same sex partners are more likely to be sexually abused, live in poverty and be afflicted with mood disorders.
I've often wondered about situations like this - is it a choice or is it being sick and tired of what is deemed socially acceptable or "normal" and looking for something new and exciting.
Back when I was in the corporate wars, one of my engineers, a very nice gal, came into my office and asked for a short Leave of Absence. I asked how long, she said two weeks and I said fine - there wasn't anything going on or coming up that required her expertise for a while. Then she kind of stood there and I got the idea I was supposed to ask why. So I did.
She told me something similar to Dr. B's patient - she was tired of her marriage, she had had a brief affair with a women in her Bible study group (yes - I said Bible study group) and she was leaving her husband and moving in with this other woman. I think she was looking for confirmation of her "choice" - I didn't bite, just said - well, good luck, see you when you get back, yada, yada, yada.
In my reality, I think that the gay lifestyle is sometimes a choice and sometimes a naturally occurring human condition.
1. Homosexuality is NOT genetic.
Several posters have repeated this "Big Lie" gay-rights myth.
The human genome was mapped in the 90s. There were repeated attempts to find a pattern of genes that correlated with homosexuality. None was found.
The gay rights movement ignored the science, and continued hammering the lie - a lie that conveniently lets them sidestep moral evaluation of the behavior.
2. Compulsive promiscuity is the "norm" in the gay "community" - even for "committed" couples
This truth is carefully hidden by the media, as it would reveal that the push for gay marriage is really a radical redefinition of marriage.
The Dutch and Swedes have already found this out - with government studies showing that "married" gay couples have upwards of 20 sexual partners a year, on average.
Studies of identical twins show that it can't be genetic in all cases since less than 50% are both homosexual. However, we now know about epigenetic mutations and that could be a cause. I believe it's a mental illness, probably related to an obsessive compulsive disorder of some sort and that there probably is a predisposition.
None of this matters for the marriage controversy, however, since the cause is irrelevant for that purpose. I have yet to hear a sound argument FOR redefining marriage to accommodate homosexuals.
Instead of discussing whether or nor someone was born a certain way or chose to be that way, perhaps we could put sex back in the box and discuss it as though it were a conscious action....which one could chose or not chose, to do. And let's put sexual orientation back in the box and discuss love and relationships that are committed to each other's well being and happiness. None of that occurred with this man.
There are multiple thousands of women in this country that weigh eighty pounds or less and believe they are fat! Were they born that way? If you were a surgeon would you take them seriously and agree to cut off a few more pounds to make them feel "normal"?
There truly is such a thing as LIES, and the homosexual lifestyle is one of the biggest ever.