As some of you know, there's a country to the north of us. I know it sounds crazy that anyone would lay claim to some vast expanse of frozen wasteland, but as the old expression goes, "One man's trash is another man's treasure", so I suppose it's understandable that someone would come along and claim the parts we didn't want.
The name of this delightful British protectorate is "Canada" (also referred to as "Great Britain Jr."), and the fact that it exists at all is often cited as "The eighth wonder of the world." National Geographic magazine has done a number of specials on it over the years, amazing the readers with photographic evidence that people actually live in this frozen hellhole.
Well, today is their Independence Day, which celebrates the famous day in 1867 when Britain bought a big chunk of it from France for $38 and change (roughly $17.2B accounting for inflation) because they needed to import drinking water to their Caribbean colonies and Canada has lots of snow. Then they filed an Instant Country document with the League of Nations and became "Canada", which is Eskimo for "land of many snow".
In doing my research on this adorable little principality, I quickly discovered that Canadians are very patriotic:
And I'm sure you caught the Biblical reference to covering up the private parts with a Canadian fig leaf (their national symbol), so we have to presume Canadians are also exceptionally moral.
Now, while some people call Canadians and other Nordic tribes "humorless", their money proves this just isn't so. Based on the famous Warner Bros animated cartoon series "Looney Tunes", they named their money "Loonies" and "Toonies".
All in all, that's quite the little accolade for Porky and the gang. Personally, I was always a Yosemite Sam kinda guy. Why, I remember once when he-
Wait... where was I?
Oh, right. Trying to think of nice things to say about Canada.
Well, others have also taken up this mighty challenge, and it was only by combing the very bowels of the Internet that I was able to conjure up what appears at first glance to border upon the miraculous:
Canada Day: 5 Reasons to Love Our Neighbor to the North
Five!
That's about four more than I can come up with, so I'm grateful for the assistance. I get to "Gave us John Candy" and then draw a blank.
Anyway, happy birthday, Canada! Just remember, we like you there. Come the Russian invasion, we think you're going to make a great buffer zone!
