We are a commune of inquiring, skeptical, politically centrist, capitalist, anglophile, traditionalist New England Yankee humans, humanoids, and animals with many interests beyond and above politics. Each of us has had a high-school education (or GED), but all had ADD so didn't pay attention very well, especially the dogs. Each one of us does "try my best to be just like I am," and none of us enjoys working for others, including for Maggie, from whom we receive neither a nickel nor a dime. Freedom from nags, cranks, government, do-gooders, control-freaks and idiots is all that we ask for.
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, Beer and TV 3.0, and the now-antique but still functional Stay out Late and Get Drunk and Stupid with Pals and Then Drive Home Drunk 1.0. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but my uninstall doesn't seem to work on Wife 1.0. Please help. Thanks,
Reply: Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed to monitor everything. It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean, Dust and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, Do Me Once a Month Maybe 3.2, Constructive Criticism 4.o, and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Dumb Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Amen! It is odd, though, that there is no male equivalent of the dumb secretary with a short skirt, smelling nice, for intelligent matrons to secretly lust after. Proleterian women, I'm told, fancy male strippers and beefcake calendars. But I've never met a Cliffie who did.
Women like me like intelligent, complicated Christian men who don't advertise their sexual wares. Remember, the brain is the main erogenous zone. I wish I could get a charge out of hunky construction workers, as there are more of them around than sexy intellectuals. I know plenty of intellect-challenged hunks, but my instinctive reaction is to be their mom, to feed, take care of them and listen to their troubles. I am better at being a mom than a siren. This, of course, is what the original computer piece was complaing about, about sexy girlfriend transforming into a mom.
Very funny piece, so true. And I am living proof of the dreadful transformation that occurs after marriage....I think the reason our middle aged husbands so often leave us is that we so often believe that when we become moms, we must put aside feminine wiles and allure or we will be bad moms. It isn't a rejection of the husband necessarily, just the fear of letting the kids down.