Maggie's Farm

The top 10 Redneck Survival tips.

‎10. Smokes and Chew: Marlboro Lights for a category one hurricane or tornado, Marlboro Mediums for a category two or three, Marlboro Reds for a category four. You need a serious smoke for a serious hurricane. Chew is important because it c...ounts towards your daily supply of vegetables.

9. Booze: Hide the Budweiser and have a couple cans of Milwaukee’s Best incase strangers stop by or you need to barter with neighbors. Follow this safety rule for consuming alcohol in emergency situations: beer for morning and Jack Daniels for afternoon and evenings. If you are too drunk to walk then use your ATV otherwise it will take you forever to get anywhere.

8. Food: Slim Jims and if you want to live large get some mustard for dipping, beef jerky, pork rinds and anything that was on the table that the dogs didn’t eat or wasn’t sprayed with Raid when you were clearing cockroaches during dinner.

7. A Boat: A true redneck has a boat in his yard for years at a time without ever using it once. That’s because it’s for emergency purposes. I highly recommend a two-stroke motor that will always start after it’s kicked a few times. Preferably that motor will be a Johnson, because jokes about your Johnson never get old.

6. Pickup Truck: A redneck is a man that has less than 50% of his vehicles running at any given time. It’s easy to tell the vehicle that is driven the most by counting the 7-11 hotdog containers on the floor. But, when a hurricane hits, it’s certain that a redneck in a Ford F-150 that is held together with bondo will be pulling your Lexus out of a ditch. And remember, that’s not just a redneck’s truck; it’s where his kids were conceived so understand that bench seat is sacred ground.

5. A Dog: A dog will tell you if something is edible or not.

4. A Flashlight: You need one in addition to the light the family uses at night to go out to the bathroom.

3. A Radio with a Powerful Speaker: That way you have something to drown out the wife, kids, mother-in-law, your sister-in-law Crystal, your sister Crystal, cousin Crystal, and your neighbor Crystal and her daughter little Crystal.

2. Home Security System: 1. Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots. 2. Put them on the front porch with a copy of your most recent assault charge. 3. Put some giant dog dishes next to the boots and court papers. 4. Leave this note on your door: "Jake and Buster: I went for more ammo & beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Satan took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. The cops will be back too.”

1. Guns and Ammo: I’m not talking about the magazine. Looters will be shot on sight and their loved ones can buy their watches and rings back from the pawn shop. And personally, I’d like to say that if you have a gun then squirrel is always on the menu if a disaster causes the traffic to be bad.

Get yourself prepared in case you have a shortage of rednecks in your area. Don’t expect the government to be able to get to you or provide for you. And of course, stay loaded my friends.