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Tuesday, December 29. 2009

A shrink question for our readers

I discover, sometimes, that things about others which I detest are qualities of my own which I detest, reject, and attempt to disown by pinning them on others.


Although I am not a Borderline Personality, there is an element of projective identification in this. Whether in fantasy or in reality, we can mentally construct another person so as to contain, embody (or, if the person is in our personal lives, to even get them to enact) our own rejected demons. Then we can detest them or look down on them while preserving an illusionary and undeserved self-esteem.


I have learned to reflect on the qualities I seem to be most irritated by or contemptuous of in others and to do a little reality check to see whether it's more about my stuff than about theirs.


Do you find yourself doing this sometimes, as I do?

Posted by Dr. Joy Bliss in Psychology, and Dr. Bliss at 10:21 | Comments (11) | Trackbacks (0)

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I cannot stand people who do that!
#1 Bird Dog on 2009-12-29 10:41 (Reply)
The question is not clear.

Yes, I have qualities I detest. When I see those qualities in others, I detest at least the quality and perhaps the whole person if I know little more of him. This is more a reminder of my own shortcomings than a means of esteem-building.

Projective Identification seems to require the object transforming to fit my perception. Most of the objects I detest I do not interact with, so there’s no mechanism for me cause their transformation.

After years of therapy, I can’t help but see “more about my stuff than others” as almost a tautology or description of the human mind.

Also after my time in therapy, “doing this sometimes” includes nearly everything. As it was presented to me, the question is not “if”, but “how much and how often”. And ultimately, “how does it serve you?”
#2 foxmarks (Link) on 2009-12-29 10:41 (Reply)
OK. You have taken this deeper than I had intended. Good point(s).
#2.1 Dr. B. on 2009-12-29 12:53 (Reply)
No.

It sounds female.
#3 rhhardin (Link) on 2009-12-29 11:23 (Reply)
Funny. I thought it sounded liberal.
#3.1 D on 2009-12-29 12:57 (Reply)
I think you're right, Dr. Bliss, in that this is a common tendency, and even a habit, but one that can be largely corrected with a little practice and self-honesty.

For the biblical twist:


"Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye."
#4 D on 2009-12-29 12:55 (Reply)
Also: "Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack." — Gen. George S. Patton
#5 Uncle Ralph (Link) on 2009-12-29 13:02 (Reply)
One invariably dislikes people who are too much like one's self. Two objects can not occupy the same space at the same time.
#6 ahem on 2009-12-29 13:07 (Reply)
I am often uncomfortable around people who take my own less-admirable qualities a little further than I do. Because I could become like them.

On the other hand, I also admire people who have habits and skills I don't possess. One example would be entrepreneurial skills.
#7 CT on 2009-12-29 15:47 (Reply)
A friend pointed out to me that the things that get me the most upset with my son,are the flaws in my own nature that frustrate me. He is an only child so it is interesting to see that the things that upset my husband the most, with my son, are the things that get in his way when he does them.
#8 J on 2009-12-30 07:50 (Reply)
Sure, everybody knows that "If you spot it, you got it."
#9 David on 2009-12-30 15:09 (Reply)

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