We are a commune of inquiring, skeptical, politically centrist, capitalist, anglophile, traditionalist New England Yankee humans, humanoids, and animals with many interests beyond and above politics. Each of us has had a high-school education (or GED), but all had ADD so didn't pay attention very well, especially the dogs. Each one of us does "try my best to be just like I am," and none of us enjoys working for others, including for Maggie, from whom we receive neither a nickel nor a dime. Freedom from nags, cranks, government, do-gooders, control-freaks and idiots is all that we ask for.
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Wednesday, June 7. 2006
The Americans With No Abilities Act of 2006
Another piece which dropped in over the transom while I was sleeping at my desk at my do-nothing job. No idea where it came from - a little birdie:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT (AWNAA) - A CONGRESSIONAL ACT. WASHINGTON, DC (AP). Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. AWNAA is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills, ambition, common sense, reliability, or the ability to work effectively with others.
"They can't help it, because they were born this way" said Senate sponsor Barbara Boxer (D-Moon). "Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing." Boxer concluded "This crisis must be addressed immediately, before millions are harmed or killed. It will be worse than Katrina if we do not act now. And think of their children!"
The President pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long and proud policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74% of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability. Politics is higher, at 99%, but the numbers are fewer. Government in general has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (73%). Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middleman" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance for POI and PLWF (Persons of Ineptness, and Persons Living With Fecklessness).
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires. In addition, POIs and PLWFs will be added to the group of "protected classes" in all US legislation, automatically, permitting lawsuits for discrimination, thus putting them on an equal legal footing with PLWDs (People Living with With Disabilities), PRCs (People of Rainbow Colors), PFSCWDUACs (People From Strange Countries Who Don't Understand American Culture), PLWRWRs (People Living with Rare, Wierd Religions), and PWAATNs (People Who Aren't All That Normal) and PWWFCs (People Who Wear Funny Clothes), and , last but not least, the PWWFCSOTECPOAYCTWTAHONs, (People Who Wear Funny Clothes So Only Their Eyes Can Peek Out And You Can't Tell If They Are Hot, Or Not).
Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" or "Yo wo doona nuka nookie won?" (Australian aborigine for "How good is your linear algebra?", a phrase with which most B and C-level college admissions officers are well acquainted.)
"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me who are victims of PLWF." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel of many generations of discrimination.
Human rights and civil rights activists praised the Act, and encouraged its passage. "This will break down one of the last walls of discrimination in American," said Jesse Jackson. "Judging people just on the basis of performance is Un-American and cruel. We must consider other essential factors, such as skin color." Hillary Clinton, running for re-election, (D-Uranus) had this to say: "I think this advances the cause of fairness in employment. We can't all be Bill Clintons, after all, but we all need and deserve something to do besides baking cookies and watching the soaps. And think of the children."
Said Senator Ted Kennedy, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation. This Act is for your kids, and especially for my own kids, and all of the next generation of Kennedy kids - and thus for the future of America. Together, we can build a great nation which respects fecklessness, ineptness, and victims of POI and PLWF - a truly inclusive nation that we can finally all be proud of."
College sports teams will be exempt from AWNAA, if enacted by Congress, thanks to an amendment offered by Sen. Joe Lieberman (D
Editor's note: We have been informed that this is a re-working, by us, aka a "plagiaristicalistical" adaptation, of an antique piece originally published at the esteemable and essential Onion, America's Finest News Source. When good bits come in, we cannot always determine what their provenance is, partly because we have jobs! Thanks to another alert reader. We try to be honest thieves but sometimes, as Paulie Walnuts would say, "things fall off trucks," and land in our front yard. So we bring them home to Maggie's. We "improved" this one by 50%, but the core of the recipe is from The Onion.
Posted by Gwynnie in Politics at 05:48 | Comments (13) | Trackbacks (2)
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Wow, that explains a lot. My company must have seen this coming. They're way out front on this.
You work at a very advanced company, Santay. Finally, the American private sector will be able to catch up with government employees, and the advanced European model, of fairness for all.
Discrimination of any sort is intolerable.
Haha. Finally catching up with Canada!
Love the post on the Flying Machines.
Ted, we'll never catch up with the gouvernment de Canada, which we believe even secretly raids the US to hire away our PELTs (Persons of Extraordinary Lack of Talent) for their gun registry management and health care system, necessitating additional incentives here to attract and retain the necessary quotas.
WHEN CAN i VOTE? I have been witing for this type of legislation my etire working life or non-working life oh what does it matter just sign me up . good stuff gwynnie
That post is very harsh, Gwinnie. Insensitive to the "otherly-gifted" and the "eating and breathing-gifted." Maybe make up for it by offering a job to mp, above.
Very cruel. And made all the crueler for being so true.
Hohoho. Think of the children. But Ted "Hic" Kennedy makes a good point: only politics and trust funds keep the Kennedy kids off welfare.
Good dog. Not only are you the friendliest of your breed that I have ever met, but funny as well.
But I think you need to point out this is a joke from The Onion website and from 1998.
well, we improved it enough to make it our own. will acknowledge, tho - thanx for keeping us honest
I wasn't born in 1998; I'm only six. A cat named Nikki sent it to me -- I bet the Onion was in her kitty-litter box - cats pee indoors! Sorry Bird dog!
That's one of the most funny things I've read all day :-P Thanks for sharing, even if you didn't invent it yourselves.
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