Maggie's Farm

After my celebrated piece on Yankee Attitude and a few pieces on The Code of the West,I was invited to consider what some of the unspoken Code of Behavior might be in my rural, ancestral Yankee corner of Connecticut. Codes of conduct are the glue of a society, of course. Most people don't give a damn about what is in your mind - just how you behave. Here's just a random sample, off the top of my head:

If you buy an old place, you can fix it up but you cannot tear it down. It's some other family's homestead. Their history requires respect.

If you play golf, it's assumed you are a weenie, socially-ambitious, or pretentious - so golf stuff hides in the trunk of the car. Same goes for tennis stuff. There are no golf courses or tennis courts in town. (Nor is there a health club, fast food, or any of that sort of stuff. If you want that, you drive. There is a Costco about 40 minutes away, and well-worth the trip.)

If you have cattle or horses, it's in your favor. Sheep and chickens less so, but better than nothing. Hunting dogs are OK.

If you are caught gossiping, no one will speak to you again. You are done. So gossip quietly and safely.

If our constabulary knows you, you can DWI as long as you do not hurt anyone. They also will leave you alone if you kill deer out of season, but do not walk along a paved road with a gun. Dirt roads - fine. Do whatever our (three) policemen want, because they are pals with the Staties (they rely on the Staties for anything half-serious). If you are a town employee, you can do whatever you want, but we only have a handful: we have a Town Meeting and most of the town government is volunteer and home-grown except for a couple of sweet little old lady clerks who have their routines but are easily confused, an accountant, and few road guys, unless you include the staff of our grammar school. Need I mention that the town office is not computerized?

You contribute to the church, regardless of your beliefs or lack thereof, and to the police retirement fund. (The Fire Department is all volunteer. Show up for their annual Spring Pancake Breakfast and ther annual Winter Spaghetti dinner. They deserve the support, and they are there for you if when need them, so you should be there for them.)

You wear a tie to church.

No spandex. Never.

No pink shorts. This is neither Nantucket nor Greenwich. In fact, shorts on men are not really acceptable in any color.

Judge your distance carefully between yourself and others, and assume others will do the same. Friendliness is a gift, and closeness a rare gift: do not be overly familiar with people.

You let other locals fish and hunt across your land as long as they ask. They should leave you a six pack as a thank-you if they spend any time and aren't just crossing, and the filet of the deer if they get one. But that isn't required, because there is an age-honored "commons" ethic. "No Trespassing" signs only apply to outsiders.

Thrift: Highly valued. Fixing it yourself is always better. Real people do not "hire it out."

Bicycle riders on country roads are fair game for cars and trucks. Best to ride in the middle of the road so they have to slow down.

You never, ever say "Have a nice day."

You never talk about religion in public. It's too serious to talk about.

Eccentricity: It is valued and welcome, as long as you do not scare the horses.

If you have money, you may not show it. American cars and trucks only, but no Cadillacs. If you buy a new vehicle, it's best to muddy it up - which is easy to do. You do not want to be called "a fancy." It's an insult. If you want to spend money, buy land and put some cattle on it, or let a farmer grow corn on some of it. Black Angus do well here, they do not take much care, and they provide instant legitimacy. If you need to be fancy, go to Litchfield or Lakeville - not here.

Men do not "chat." They may comment on the weather, the corn crop, and complain about the gummint. Men do not smile much either: it can be interpreted as ingratiating, as a sales effort, or as a con. As a general rule, leaving most things unsaid is probably best.

Guns with a value of over $500 are viewed disparagingly. Guns are tools. When they break, you go to WalMart. I do not use my "nice" guns within town limits.

You do not hunt "grouse". You hunt partridge, and you can do it from your truck with a six-pack next to you on the dirt roads if you want, BUT never on paved roads.

If somebody gets sick or dies, you provide a simple casserole that freezes well, even if you don't know them. Ladies at the church organize that.

You do not sue anyone. Lawsuits are beneath us.

Never overtip. It is tacky.

Somebody - you or your spouse, shows up for the Town Meetings. If you do not, it's assumed that you imagine that there could be something more important than taking care of your home. Summer folk and weekend folk never show up, and thus have no vote. Fair is fair.

Romantic affairs: Fifty miles from the flagpole, please. Or, better, not at all. Otherwise, big messification.

The small "d" democratic attitude: It prevails. There is no elite. Treat tradesmen and workmen with the utmost respect and appreciation. (They deserve it, because you cannot survive without them - and if you do not, they will never find time to come back.) They send you, or drop in your mailbox, a crumpled hand-written bill in pencil, eventually, when they get around to it. It will probably simply say "For work done."  Pay immediately, because they do not get their bills written until they need the money. They will never ask for cash, but they will appreciate a case or two of beer at Christmastime. Coors Lite seems to be the brand of choice, but it never seems Christmasy enough for me, so I give them Sam Adams which they probably do not like as much.

DO NOT feed the birds. It attracts bears to houses. People want the bears in the woods, fending for themselves. Bears love bird seed, so they approach close to houses, then discover garbage, chickens, etc. I do break this rule, but I have an excuse/reason.